Updated: Funny Stuff Here
Fri Mar 14, 2008 at 06:19:35 PM PDT
[Title edited in desperate attempt to attract 1 reader]
Comics all across the country are confessing to growing apprehension as they anticipate the end of the Presidency of George W. Bush. "I walked into my Joke Manufacturing Caucus yesterday," say jester Sam Goodall, "and I swear it could have been a meeting of the GOP election committee. Pessimism so thick you could cut it with a ... damn, I can't think of a funny ending."
"We're all out of practice," consoled Jill Gilverson. "Many of us are wondering if we still have the chops. I mean, I'm not proud of this, but some days I just sent articles in straight out of the paper. The parody has been writing itself."
"Yeah, and the country has been so desperate that we could throw out almost anything and people would laugh. I mean when you're being mocked by your own government, and all your most treasured traditions are being trampled, a good laugh, even if it's a trifle hysterical, is about all you can turn to."
So, in honor of the coming end of what will undoubtably be known as a Golden age of Parody, I offer these headlines from The Onion. Here for your enjoyment is seven years of painfully accurate parody of the worst President in US history. The links are included, but if you like your hilarity concentrated, simply read through the headlines with a few short excerpts.
Bush Vows To Make It Up To Country Somehow
WASHINGTON—"It's just that its been so crazy at work lately," Bush said in the brief 14-minute address, acknowledging that he and the country had drifted apart."
Bush Makes Surprise Visit To Work
Bush Urges Nation To Be Quiet For A Minute While He Tries To Think
WASHINGTON, DC—While acknowledging every American's inalienable right to free speech, the president asked citizens to "hold off on it for, say, 60 seconds."
Bush: Vacation Ruined By 'Stupid Dead Soldier'
CIA Asks Bush To Discontinue Blog
Bush Cuts Off Diplomatic Relations With Congress
Bush Seeks U.N. Support For 'U.S. Does Whatever It Wants' Plan
Bush To Throw Out First Through 120th Pitch Of World Series
Bush Finds Error In Fermilab Calculations
85 Percent Of Public Believes Bush's Approval Rating Fell In Last Month
WASHINGTON, DC—85 percent of Americans strongly believe that the American people no longer strongly believe that Bush is performing effectively.
Bush Vows To Pay Closer Attention To Needs Of Non-Presidents
Bush Thought War Would Be Over By Now
WASHINGTON, DC—Following a 12th consecutive day of fighting, a puzzled and frustrated President Bush confided to military advisors Monday that he "really figured the war would be over by now."
Bush Challenges America To Produce The Perfect Romantic Comedy By 2009
Bush Reluctantly Accepts Donation From Parents
Long-Awaited Beer With Bush Really Awkward, Voter Reports
Bush Calls On Business Leaders To Create 500,000 Shitty Jobs By 2003
Bush Reaches Out To Hispanic Community With Generous Tip
Democratic Mob Censures Bush In Effigy
WASHINGTON, DC—Armed with neatly lettered signs, the mob angrily chanted "Down With the Idea of Executive Privilege, Both In General And As It Relates to Bush!"
Bush Begins Preparations For Nation's Final Year
WASHINGTON—The president assured citizens he would do everything possible over next few months to promote a smooth transition into utter oblivion.
Bush Begins Hunger Strike To Protest Human-Rights Abuses In Nepal
WASHINGTON, DC—Against strenuous objections from his advisors, President Bush began a hunger strike Monday to protest human-rights abuses in Nepal, vowing to subsist solely on water and vitamin supplements until "the twin clouds of violence and oppression are lifted from the land."
Bush To Make Up Missed National Guard Service This Weekend
Bush Horrified To Learn Presidential Salary
Bush Commits One Additional Troop To Afghanistan
Bush Vows To Wipe Out Prescription-Drug Addiction Among Seniors
WASHINGTON, DC—Pledging to help "the millions of elderly Americans who can't get through the day without popping pills or shooting up insulin," President Bush announced Monday that he is committed to wiping out prescription-drug use among seniors.
Arizona Man Steals Bush's Identity, Vetoes Bill, Meets With Mexican President
Bush Grants Self Permission To Grant More Power To Self
WASHINGTON, DC—The landmark decision enables the executive branch to allow itself more protection from restriction at the hands of the legislative and judicial branches.
Bush Lifts Ban On Vigilantism
"Let's see what happens," says President
WASHINGTON, DC—In a striking departure from centuries of American belief in rule of law, President Bush gave his approval Monday to a limited experiment in public vigilantism "to see if it works."
Bush 2004 Campaign Pledges To Restore Honor And Dignity To White House
Bush Actually President, Nation Suddenly Realizes
Bush To Increase Funding For Hope-Based Initiatives
Bush Vows To Eliminate U.S. Dependence On Oil By 4920
Devious Rabbit Tricks Bush Into Signing Gun Ban
Bush Braces As Cindy Sheehan's Other Son Drowns In New Orleans
Addressing Climate Crisis, Bush Calls For Development Of National Air Conditioner
Bush Vows To Remove Toxic Petroleum From National Parks
Bush Gives France 30 Days To Speak English
Bush's New Dentist Faces Tough Confirmation Hearing
WASHINGTON—Democrats were wary of the nomination, stating that America needs someone who will not blindly accept it as fact when told Mr. Bush flosses daily.
Documents Reveal Gaps In Bush's Service As President
Bush 'Refuses To Dignify' Mass-Murder Allegations
SUNNYVALE, CA–Telling reporters and critics to "stick to the issues that matter," Republican presidential candidate George W. Bush declined to answer questions Monday concerning his alleged involvement in a 1984 Brownsville, TX, mass murder, in which 17 people were ritualistically murdered...
Critics Blast Bush For Not Praying Hard Enough
WASHINGTON, DC—Scandals, war and high gas prices have prompted many to wonder if the much-touted Bush-God alliance is unraveling.
Bush Launches Preemptive Attack On Social Security
Bush On North Korea: 'We Must Invade Iraq'
Bush Addresses 8.2 Million Unemployed: 'Get A Job'
WASHINGTON, DC—Calling the unemployment rate unacceptable, Bush told Americans Monday to get off their duffs and find a job.
Bush: Maybe U.S. Military 'Just Not Very Good'
WASHINGTON, DC —"Maybe our men and women overseas just aren't what they're cracked up to be," said the President Bush of the thorough lack of quality in personnel.
Bush To Appoint Someone To Be In Charge Of Country
Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'
WASHINGTON, DC—Mere days from his inauguration, president-elect Bush vowed to undo the damage not done by the Clinton Administration.
Bush Offers Taxpayers Another $300 If We Go To War
WASHINGTON, DC—Amid growing anti-war protests and polls indicating eroding public support for an invasion of Iraq, President Bush is offering U.S. taxpayers a rebate in the amount of $300 if we go to war.
Bush Nominates First-Trimester Fetus To Supreme Court
Heartbroken Bush Runs After Departing Rove's Car
WASHINGTON, DC—"Why can't I go with him? When is he coming back?" a tearful President Bush asked advisers as Karl Rove's sedan disappeared over the horizon.
Bush Regales Dinner Guests With Impromptu Oratory On Virgil's Minor Works
WASHINGTON, DC—According to Bush, much pleasure is to be found in Virgil's lesser-known The Eclogues and The Georgics.
Bush Bravely Leads 3rd Infantry Into Battle
Bush's Surveillance Act
You really should follow the link to read all the provisions. Here's one:
Eederal law enforcement officials, when asked to produce a warrant, are allowed to punch the inquiring individual in the mouth and say, "There's your warrant!"
Bush Re-Election Campaign Creates Thousands Of New Jobs
Laura Bush Noisily Devours Infant
Bush Asks Congress For $30 Billion To Help Fight War On Criticism
Bush Extremely Proud Of New Suit
Bush Executes 253 New Mexico Democrats
ALBUQUERQUE, NM–New Mexico's five electoral votes swung back into the Bush column Monday when George W. Bush executed 253 Las Cruces-area Democrats
.
Bush To Cut Deficit From Federal Budget
Cheney Regrets Buying Bush Laser Pointer
Cheney Suspects Bush Listening In On Other Phone
Bush Arrives At Debate Wearing Flight Suit
Bush Visits U.S.S. Truman For Dramatic Veterans'-Benefits-Cutting Ceremony
Bush On Economy: 'Saddam Must Be Overthrown'
WASHINGTON, DC—Amid growing concerns about the faltering stock market and deepening recession, President Bush vowed to tackle the nation's economic woes head-on Tuesday, assuring the American people that he "will not rest" until Saddam Hussein is removed from power.
Bush Earmarks 1.5 Billion Gold Stars For Education
Bush Won't Stop Asking Cheney If We Can Invade Yet
WASHINGTON, DC—Vice-President Dick Cheney issued a stern admonishment to President Bush Tuesday, telling the overeager chief executive that he didn't want to hear "so much as the word 'Iraq'" for the rest of the day.
After Careful Consideration, Bush Recommends Oil Drilling
Bush Subconsciously Sizes Up Spain For Invasion
WASHINGTON, DC—During a meeting with the Spanish prime minister, Bush kept returning the subject to Spain's military strength—or lack thereof.
Bush Acknowledges Existence Of Carbon Dioxide
Bush Announces Iraq Exit Strategy: 'We'll Go Through Iran'
Bush: Thousands Of Registered Democrats Needed For 'Extremely Important' Mission
WASHINGTON, DC—The president praised stalwart, progressive Democrats as "the only ones capable" of making the highly secret operation a success.
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