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Oh! More Things I Know

The Medicare prescription drug overhaul is a failure. I know this because Montel Williams has to drive around the country in a bus giving drugs to everyone.

You are directly responsible for anything bad that was ever said by anyone you ever knew. [Slap!] Shame on you!

John McCain and Joe Lieberman deserve each other.

Today is the first day of spring. I can tell because this morning the thermometer outside our window broke 30.

Democrat Eliot Spitzer was forced to resign for hiring prostitutes because he seemed to be such an upstanding public figure. Senator David Vitter, on the other hand, wasn't forced to resign for hiring prostitutes because, well, that's what America has come to expect from Republicans.

Eliot Spitzer and his wife will write separate tell-all books that will net them tens of millions of dollars, ensuring they live in the lap of luxury for the rest of their lives and provide their heirs with comfortable inheritances that will last for years.

The Bush Countdown Clock runs approximately thirty percent slower than regular clocks.

If I don't sign an online petition in the next thirty seconds I'm gonna freak!!

I've created a new kind of toilet paper that's as soft as a baby's bottom. It's made of actual babies' bottoms.

If Barack Obama continues improving his political skills as quickly as he is, when he officially squares off against McCain it'll be a bigger rout than Ultraman vs. Zanbolar.

We hadn't seen much of Dick Cheney before his Iraq visit because he's been stockpiling gold bars and fine art as he prepares to flee to Oman after his term ends.

The least popular Daily Kos diary of all-time: "Liveblogging: Tucker Carlson's Last Show"

Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]

Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, March 20, 2008

Note: You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.  This is not a good thing because the other dreamer drives a steamroller.


By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Montana and South Dakota primaries: 85
Days 'til The Netroots Nation convention in Austin July 17-20: 119
George W. Bush's approval rating: 26% (down from 34% in Feb.)
(Source: Zogby poll)
U.S. trade deficit in December: $57.9 billion
U.S. trade deficit in January, despite record exports: $58.2 billion
(Source: Commerce Dept.)
Number of state quarters with state outlines on them: 15
Number of state quarters with nuns wrestling goats in a JELL-O pit as Brad Pitt nods his head in approval from his macaroni throne: 0


Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:

Hillary Clinton has become the functional equivilent of a national Rorschach test of our attitudes toward the changing role of women.  All the doubt, guilt, anxiety, and confusion we feel are being projected onto Mrs. Clinton, who is being made to stand for everything from a role model for working mothers to some fang-dripping militant feminist.

From my own brief acquaintance with Hillary Clinton, I'd say she's not only exceptionally bright, but also a kinder, funnier and nicer person than is generally perceived.  As we all get to know her, I suspect much of the controversy will die away.

---November, 1992


Puppy Pic of the Day:  Spring!!!!!


CHEERS to Spring!  I don't care what the weather's like.  Today I'm going to put on my warm-weather tutu, strap on my fairy wings, go outside and romp barefoot through the barley field with the wee village folk (if the past is any guide, I'll end up smooshing half a dozen of them---my apologies in advance).  Oops, just a minute...  I've been informed that the barley field is now a Wal-Mart, so our plans have changed.  We'll be romping barefoot in the lingerie section.  (Wow, I never knew Cokie Roberts had her own line of sports bras.  Nice tassles.)

CHEERS to the right kind of might.  Barack Obama, on an absolute roll over the last 48 hours, gave another major speech yesterday, this time on foreign policy.  SusanG has the details and the transcript here.  This should be music to a lot of ears:

In order to end this war responsibly, I will immediately begin to remove our troops from Iraq.  We can responsibly remove 1 to 2 combat brigades each month.  If we start with the number of brigades we have in Iraq today, we can remove all of them 16 months.  After this redeployment, we will leave enough troops in Iraq to guard our embassy and diplomats, and a counter-terrorism force to strike al Qaeda if it forms a base that the Iraqis cannot destroy.  What I propose is not---and never has been---a precipitous drawdown.  It is instead a detailed and prudent plan that will end a war nearly seven years after it started.

My plan to end this war will finally put pressure on Iraq's leaders to take responsibility for their future.  Because we've learned that when we tell Iraq's leaders that we'll stay as long as it takes, they take as long as they want.  We need to send a different message.

Like maybe: "Hey, it's been fun, but it's just not working out.  No, it's not you, it's me!  Really, you're kind and sweet and lord knows you're a great lay.  But I just need a little space.  Here's your key.  Can I have my toothbrush?"  Yeah...that's tactful.

JEERS to the government of, by and for the people Dick Cheney.  The evil one told us all to shut our pieholes yesterday:

Cheney: On the security front, I think there’s a general consensus that we’ve made major progress, that the surge has worked.  That’s been a major success.

Martha Raddatz: Two-third of Americans say it’s not worth fighting.

Cheney: So?

Martha Raddatz: So?  You don’t care what the American people think?

Cheney: No.

I'm not sure if he said that before or after he commemorated the Iraq war anniversary by going fishing from his man-size safe aboard the Sultan of Oman's 60-foot royal yacht.  He's a busy boy.

CHEERS to a pleasant stroll.  War demonstrations broke out across the country (including Maine) yesterday, the fifth anniversary of whipped cream rationing the Iraq war.  A smattering of right-wingers were out, too, but their chant---"Two, Four, Six, Eight, the surge is working militarily and if we give up now al Qaeda wins!"---didn’t have the usual zip to it.  Paging Frank Luntz...

CHEERS to cutting and running.  In a move that would've gotten him court-martialed by President Bush for "not finishing the job," on March 20, 1942, General Douglas MacArthur pulled out of the Philippines during World War II so his forces could live to fight another day.  His words made history: "I shall return."  Not so historic were the words that followed:  "Accelerator's on the right, you idiot!  Go Go Go Go Go!!!!"

JEERS to local knuckleheads.  This'll be a two-parter.  Part one: this letter to the editor in yesterday's Portland Press Herald from someone who lives nearby:

[C]ontrary to popular wisdom that our planet "has a fever," as the eloquent "professor" Al Gore has so brainwashed our populace with, it is being made known by many knowledgeable scientists that, on the contrary, the Earth is heading for an upcoming cooling period. ...

People should check the scientific facts before they fall for the man-made global warming "myth." Why do we listen to hysteria and unproved "science" to drive our energy needs, rather than to common sense, and realize that we have all we need to fuel our economic engine right now?

Part two: This article in yesterday's USA Today about the fact that the signs of spring keep arriving earlier and earlier:

Pollen is bursting.  Critters are stirring.  Buds are swelling.  Biologists are worrying.  "The alarm clock that all the plants and animals are listening to is running too fast," Stanford University biologist Terry Root said.

Blame global warming.

The fingerprints of man-made climate change are evident in seasonal timing changes for thousands of species on Earth, according to dozens of studies and last year's authoritative report by the Nobel Prize-winning international climate scientists.

Nice try, neighbor.  Maybe you'll have better luck when you publish your "Jesus rode a dinosaur to work" letter.

JEERS to shocking moments in American history.  On March 20, 1899 Martha Place of Brooklyn became the first American woman to be strapped into the electric chair in Sing Sing prison.  Her crime: Muuuuuuurderrrrrrrr!  It took 'em two tries to finish her off.  The public read about it the next day in their local paper's current events section.


One Year Ago in C&J:  March 20, 2007...

CHEERS to fearless predictions.  Columnist Kathleen Parker---a conservative---looking into her crystal ball on The Chris Matthews Show Sunday:

"The Republicans may have a harder time than we thought taking back the House.  I hear that, in the next six months, as many as 10 [Republican] members of the House are going to announce that they're not running for the House."

It's just not as much fun after Democrats restored all those pesky checks and balances.  [3/20/08 Update: To date, around 30 GOP Reps have either exited or announced their imminent departure.  So Kathleen was a third right.  Which is how I know she's a conservative.]

CHEERS to fresh table scraps.  As I read it, virtually the entire supply of wet pet food is tainted by who-knows-what.  If you've given your dog or cat any recently, USA Today says to watch out for these and other symptoms:

• Seems excessively thirsty
• Urinates much more than usual
• Vomits

But enough about me.  What about my dog??


And just one more...

CHEERS to the Rude Pundit.  We couldn't form a proper opinion of Obama's Tuesday speech until we checked in with the rude one's live-blogging post.  Now we know it was a #!#@&%! home run:

10:59: Damn.  We're not used to this sort of honesty from a candidate.  Can't compute.  Cynicism circuit shorting out.

11:00: Talking about Wright, he's gonna hang the Reverend out to dry, says Wright's comments present a "distorted" view of America.  Whew.  Thank god, the cynicism circuit can work again.

11:02: Oh, shit, now he's getting Wright's back.  Saying that Wright's a Marine who has credibility, intelligence, compassion.  Shorting out again.

11:03: Reading from his own book.  Amazon braces for Oprah-like surge in sales.  [Note: Yup...#13 and #21.  -bipm] ...

11:16: Addresses affirmative action and welfare anger and how politicians and the media have exploited those things.  How the Reagan Revolution was based on it.  The Rude Pundit gets an erection.

11:23: Brings up OJ, Katrina, Wright, says we can keep race as a divisive issue and "nothing will change."  This is the straightest talk this blogger has heard from a major presidential candidate in a very, very long time, maybe, truly, without hyperbole, in his lifetime.

Bottom line: that was a motherfuckin' speech by a motherfuckin' President of the United States.  You remember what that's like?  No, not here either.

Gosh darn right, by golly!  Gee whiz!


Oh, if you go to Dunkin' Donuts this morning and mention my name, you'll get a free dirty look.  Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?


Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:

"Bill in Portland Maine's rhetoric is so exhausted.  He rarely makes any news."
---Julie Mason
The Houston Chronicle


Originally posted to Daily Kos on Thu Mar 20, 2008 at 05:54 AM PDT.


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