for punishing White House leakers like Karl Rove, President Bush is busy leading a double life. Sure, his plate is full in the Oval Office. But what you may not realize is that, in addition to acting as the Commander-in-Chief and de facto Leader of the Free World, President Bush also moonlights as an advice columnist to parents. Below the fold is an exclusive look at his next column.
Ask Dubya
By President George W. Bush
Dear Mr. President,
I have a bit of a problem I'd like to get your help with. Our teenage daughter Jessica isn't always straightforward and honest with us. Recently, though her curfew is 10 p.m., Jessica stayed out all night, drinking liquor from her best friend's father's cabinet. After that, Jessica took our car - without our permission - on a joyride and nearly wrecked it several times. What's more, she lies to us about other things, too. For instance, she's missed 10 days of school this month alone, though we had to find out from her high school's guidance counselor, not Jessica herself. She told us she was an A student and an avid French Club member. We're so tired of being lied to, and we want our little girl back.
Lying in Louisville
Dear Lying,
Thank you so much for sharing your story with us! Having a daughter who lies is uniquely American, isn't it? But let me ask you this: Has Jessica broken any laws? I mean, has she been convicted of drinking underage, grand theft auto or truancy? Because, if she hasn't, I'm afraid she really hasn't done anything wrong, now has she? If she has been implicated in any of the offenses you mention, however, I would try to hold your punishment until all of the details are out, as it is, of course, an ongoing investigation. But Jessica sounds like a good girl to me. Sounds quite familiar, indeed.
W.
Dear Mr. President,
I don't know what to do! My son, Peter, is a third grader. He's a smart boy, he's just a bit misguided, I'm afraid. Recently, he took a test where he had to name the capital of all 50 states. We were so excited to put his perfect score on our refrigerator, right next to the church bulletin and below the Domino's coupons. However, when putting a note into his lunch, I noticed something fall out of his backpack - a cheat sheet. My husband and I were devastated. Our son is a lot of things - a good ballplayer, a great brother to his younger sister - but he can't be a cheater, we thought. We want to help him, but don't want to push him away from us. What should we do?
Cheating in Chesapeake
Dear Cheating,
Sounds like Peter's a lovable little shaver, doesn't it? I remember how I was when I was his age! Listen, think for a second about the outcome of Peter's actions: He proved himself to be smarter than the other kids in the class, didn't he? Don't worry about how it happened, just be happy you've got a child who clearly hasn't been left behind. Besides, did Peter's teacher catch him? Did he get suspended for cheating? Doesn't sound like it, so I ask again - what did he do that was so wrong? Next time you're in Washington, bring the little rascal by the house for one of our tee ball games on the South Lawn.
W.
Dear Mr. President,
I would like to share a story with you: The other day, while at the mall, I happened to catch my middle-school daughter Zoey red handed trying to steal earrings from Hot Topic. When I made her empty the contents of her bag in front of me in the store, a shirt and short skirt fell out as well. I was furious. I mean, we do well as a family and our children have never wanted for anything. So why is Zoey stealing? It can't be the actual haul, because she has closets full of clothes she'll never wear. Is it the thrill? What should we do?
Stolen in Syracuse
Dear Stolen,
I think I have an idea why young Zoey likes doing what she does: It makes her feel good. Did you ever think about that, ma'am? I mean, if she likes doing it and it makes her feel better about herself, it can't be that bad, can it? Look, we've all had a case of the sticky fingers before. Hell, just last week I got caught taking a handful of official White House pens. Sure, I work here and I can have as many as I want, but I love to take 'em with me on plane rides and stuff. Just teach Zoey how to shoplift without getting caught, so you won't have to deal with the consequences later. Until she's calling you from the police department, I don't see what the problem is.
W.
Well, that's enough for this week, my fellow Americans. Please read my column next week, when I take on three difficult relationship issues. Until then, thank you and may God bless America!