Ann Coulter Goes NeoProg
Mon May 19, 2008 at 10:08:02 AM PDT
There I was, sitting at a bus stop bench on Santa Monica Boulevard and minding my own business, when a woman sat down beside me. I didn’t recognize her at first because of all the Barack Obama literature she had clutched to her chest. I saw bumper stickers and campaign buttons and brochures.
Ohmigod it's her.
I wasn’t surprised at seeing Ann Coulter, nor that she was perhaps scouting out the opposition for some timely political snark, but I was surprised she’d be taking public transportation. I introduced myself, told her I recognized her, and asked her about that.
"I suppose it’s going to come out pretty soon anyway," she sighed, "so I guess I might as well get in some practice for my unrehearsed responses."
Ann stared at an Obama lapel button for a long moment. "I have to rebrand myself," she said with conviction, "if I hope to get the financial support, not to mention the adoration of more than 10% of the voting public."
That would be a tricky move, I said to myself.
"I’ve got to try something different," she added with a faraway look. "I figure that I’d try starting off with something easy -- like riding public transportation -- as a test to see if working people come to think of me as one of them, and buy the new book I’m working on."
I was understandably stunned. "Rebrand yourself? What, like from Dittohead heavy to Dittohead light?"
She shot me a look as if I was a moron. "No, from neo-conservative to neo-progressive!" With great flourish she then mimed a large banner or slogan or something in the sky: "NeoProg!"
"What the hell is a NeoProg?" I asked.
She cackled in that way only she can. "A new label, meaningful only to the media. Oh, you just wait! I’m the first, but many will follow – if they know what’s good for them." She then proudly exclaimed, "One of the first things I’m going to do is, like, make a NeoProg music video suitable, like, you know, for sharing on YouTube?"
I gave her another perplexed look, which only reinforced her notion that I was a complete moron. I guess she felt sorry for me, because she gently patted my leg. "It’s very simple," she said, as if talking to a child. "As one who is on the cutting edge of political snark, all I have to do to get paid is be outrageous." She winked at me. "Only this time I have to outrage the other side! They’re on the outs, you know."
I knew. She laughed and got all full of herself as I said, "Your positions on issues – and non-issues, even - are very well known. How do you go about doing that?!"
She was so caught up scanning an Obama bumper sticker that she didn’t catch my own snark. "I merely substitute ‘neo-con fascist’ for ‘liberal’ in my speeches and commentary. I mean, let’s face it, Republicans screwed up royally on just about everything, and voters know it! Worse than that, they’ve put a screeching halt to my dreams of power and influence. They deserve the snark!"
I couldn't have agreed more. "But you’ve said some pretty nasty things about ‘liberals’ over the past 8 years of the Bush Presidency. Can you really repair all that damage merely by coming up with a new label for yourself and like-minded pundits?"
She was shocked, or at least gave that impression, as if I had accused her of being a Nazi appeaser. "That was all tongue-in-cheek -- I never really meant any of that stuff!" She returned to her you’re-such-a-moron look, shaking her head. "You obviously don’t understand the media in this country."
"Maybe not, but don’t you think there are going to be a lot of pundits and bloggers skeptical of your new positions on stuff?"
"I’m prepared for that."
"Oh?"
"As long as a political luminary such as myself claims to have undergone a miraculous change, the media jumps on that like a lion on a gazelle."
"I see ... sort of like a religious conversion."
"Absolutely! And I don’t even have to define the term ‘NeoProg.’ I merely have to use it in several sentences, and let everyone else define it over the ensuing weeks – network TV, cable, newspapers and magazines ... and especially the bloggers!" She looked around to see if anyone was listening, shrugged guiltily, and whispered, "Once a palatable consensus branding definition emerges – that’s PCBD for short -- that’s the one I go with. It’s --"
Ann reacted in shock to something behind me. It was the bus pulling to a stop, full to overflowing with brown people and black people and yellow people... "Oh, my!" she said, startled. I could see the sweat beads on her temple, and she was near tears. "I don’t know if I’m ready for this." She clutched the Obama literature even closer to her chest.
The bus door opened, several people filed out, and I motioned for her to go ahead of me. She searched in panic, spotted something, and raised her hand.
"Taxi!" she shouted, and ran off.
As Ann Coulter disappeared into the back of the taxi, I had only one prescient thought: Maybe she didn’t have exact change...
Hey, whaddya expect from a self-described ... well, you know.
Note: If any person reading the above truly believes this event did or could actually occur, you need to sign up today with www.neoprog.com.
Permalink | 10 comments