Five Reasons to Doubt the Existence of God or any Benevolent Supreme Being, starring:
Prepare to test your faith below.
Reason #1: The Rise of the Microbots.
The Army has dumped $38 million—you know, pocket change—into the research and development of tiny robots that can search small spaces for disaster victims or, more ambigu-terrifyingly, "monitor terrorists."
But don't be scared! Take a look at this lovable little scamp:
He's just like Lassie, except arachnoid, soulless and made of titanium. Be sure to budget your fear, because Fido here is merely the first horseman of the robot apocalypse. What does the future hold?
Eventually, the scientists hope to develop one microrobot that can walk like a spider, climb like a gecko, fly like an insect, hover like a hummingbird and cooperate like bees, all while gathering still images, video, radar and other information that can be sent back to commanders in the field.
We have a feeling these little fact-gatherers will be hovering over a free speech zone near you in the not-too-distant future. Not to worry. I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords.
*****
Reason #2: The Rapid Spreading of HFMD, or Hand Foot Mouth Disease, in China
From a CNN wire story:
Hand-foot-mouth disease has struck 11,905 people and has proved fatal in 26 cases, all of them children, China's state-run news agency Xinhua reported Monday.
The real numbers are likely much higher.
I don't have children, but I can't imagine watching any child suffer from HFMD. The symptoms:
It is characterized by fever, sores in the mouth, and a rash with blisters. HFMD begins with a mild fever, poor appetite, malaise ("feeling sick"), and frequently a sore throat. One or 2 days after the fever begins, painful sores develop in the mouth. They begin as small red spots that blister and then often become ulcers. They are usually located on the tongue, gums, and inside of the cheeks. The skin rash develops over 1 to 2 days with flat or raised red spots, some with blisters. The rash does not itch, and it is usually located on the palms of the hands and soles of the feet. It may also appear on the buttocks.
Warm weather aids the spread of the disease, so it's only going to get worse during the upcoming summer months.
But the real insult to injury? Stories like this one, which frame the HPMD outbreak in the trivial context of bad PR, as if that's the real damage being done here. After all, HFMD exists only to cast an ominous shadow over the upcoming Summer Olympics in Beijing, like other unpleasantness such as the recent crackdown on Tibet or the ongoing treatment of North Korean refugees as illegal aliens.
Oh, my heavens! The bad PR generated by dying children, refugees and political prisoners really takes the joy out of a sporting exhibition sponsored by a corrupt cartel that considers itself above the law of any nation.
*****
Reason #3: Hillary Clinton and The Gas Tax Holiday
Pandering never takes a holiday. Out on the campaign trail Monday in North Carolina, the would-be populist senator developed from New York said:
I know what these gas prices are doing to people . . . And what I want to do is provide some immediate relief. Senator Obama doesn't want to do anything.
Swallow that if you can, because nothing says keeping-it-real-and-working-class like earning $109 million in eight years when most people's wages have been stagnant.
Last Saturday night at a fundraising event in Indiana, Clinton thundered away at Wall Street:
Why don't we hold these Wall Street money-grubbers responsible for their role in this recession?
Like whom, Senator Clinton? Hedge fund managers? I hope Chelsea was busy placing that bet at Churchill Downs and didn't hear you speak ill of her employers.
*****
Reason #4:: Blow-Up Dolls in the Clubhouse
My favorite baseball team, the Chicago White Sox, have fallen into a mighty hitting slump after their fast start this season. Baseball players are a quirky, superstitious and generally uneducated bunch, especially when it comes to nebulous concepts like luck. With all due respect to bearded weirdo Wade Boggs, I think this unprecedented maneuver triumphantly writes a new chapter in baseball lore:
In an unorthodox attempt to inject some mojo into their slumping offence, the White Sox erected (rimshot added-AF) a tawdry shrine in their clubhouse before yesterday's game. The shrine included inflatable female dolls posing with the team's bats.
Yes, you read that correctly. The White Sox have thrown a World Series, allowed their fans to destroy disco records on their field, forced their players to wear short pants, and now they've used sex dolls as a (rhythm?) method to break a team-wide hitting slump.
The gimmick fell limp, as the Sox couldn't stay firm enough to score at all last night, falling 1-0 to the Toronto Blue Jays.
Cold showers for everyone.
*****
Reason #5:: Mike Erickson for Photo Thief
Finally, Republican Mike Erickson, running for Congress in Oregon's 5th district, has been running local TV ads decrying the scourge of illegal immigration. The fear of a brown, Spanish-speaking America is a central theme of his campaign.
On his web site, you can download the PDF version of a direct mail postcard in which he uses variants of the word "illegal" five times.
But take a look at the upper left- and right-hand corners on the back of the postcard:
Those are preview images, indicated by the watermarks. Mike Erickson's graphic designer or advertising firm didn't bother to pay for these images from iStockphoto, meaning they were stolen. And I'm pretty sure theft is still illegal.
Except if you're a Republican.
*****
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