Health Care Series: Life With An Eating Disorder
Thu May 08, 2008 at 04:05:00 PM PDT
I have lived in relative secrecy with an eating disorder for the past seventeen years. My disease has manifested in every range of the spectrum from anorexia, bulimia, purging, to compulsive overeating. At times it may be apparent to the outside world but mostly it is an internal battle that that is waged in my mind. My symptoms are fluid, depending where I am on that spectrum. But what is constant is the desire for control, feelings of low self-esteem, shame, and isolation. My struggles are not unique. Statistics show that up to 7 million females, and one million males are suffering from an eating disorder in the US. We are your sisters, mothers, neighbors, teachers, waitresses, doctors: eating disorders do not discriminate against race or class. Chances are you know someone who struggles. 5%-20% of all untreated anorexics will die from their disease (many taking their own lives) and it carries the highest death rate of all mental disorders.
My hopes in writing this diary is to raise awareness for those who are not affected, and to assure readers who are affected, that they are not alone.
Eating disorders are poorly understood in both popular culture and the medical community. Here are a few common myths that I would like to point out:
- Anorexia and Bulimia are issues of vanity.
Eating disorders may appear to be about weight and one’s self-image, but true eating disorders have little or nothing to do with appearing attractive in a prom dress or bathing suit. Obsessing over weight is a symptom of a complex disease that is rooted in low self-esteem, poor-body image. and the desperate need to control a life that feels out of control.
- Eating disorders are a disease of rich, teenage- white girls.
While its true that many sufferers are Caucasian, the incidence of anorexia and bulimia is on the rise across all races and segments of our society. The truth is that it is often the wealthy who can afford and seek treatment (the cost of inpatient treatment can easily be $30,000 a month, and $100,000 a year in total oupatient costs. Source)
With treatment options limited, disorders that often develop in adolescence and college can persist well into adulthood (as in my case).
- People with eating disorders are ultra-thin.
Eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes. It is because of this myth that sufferers are often not diagnosed or afraid to come forward. As someone who has been quite underweight from anorexia, I can tell you that some of my darkest times emotionally have been when I was overweight and purging. Body size and weight are merely a symptom and are not reflective of how much a person is struggling.
How do eating disorders develop/My story
As with many diseases, there seems to be a mix of genetics and environment at play. It can be associated with trauma (physical, sexual, emotional, though ceratinly not everyone with an eating diosrder has endured this kind of trauma), periods of high-stress, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety and depression. Combine any one of these factors with low-self-esteem and poor body image and you have the potential of devloping an eating disorder.It often starts with an attempt to lose weight and quickly spirals into a world of obsession with one's body.
My odyssey began when I was 16 years old. I was always on the curvy side as a teen and had never in my life dieted or watched what I ate. Because I came from a family of heavy eaters I thought I would have to try "extra hard". I began to cut back on my snacking and decided that wasn't working so I cut ceratin meals out altogether. Within weeks I had teachers complimenting me on my weight loss and I felt such a sense of accomplishment (interesting how it wasn't any academic achievement or performance in choir that I was prasied for, but weight loss) For the first time in my life I didn't hate the way I looked and felt like I was in control of my appearance. The feeling was a drug-like high that kept me desperate to get another fix (keep losing weight). I restricted more and began purging. I never got underweight and to most people looked like your avergage american teen but my head was consumed with thoughts of food, avoiding food, what to eat or not to eat, get rid of calories and fear of gaining my weight back). This silently continued on throughout most of high school.
In college things took a turn for the worse. I partied and indulged and found myself overweight and struggling with all the feelings of insecurity that had led to my disorder in high school. I was desperate to avoid those feelings and spiraled downward. I would eat around my roomates and purge in secrecy afterwards and began heavily resticting what I ate. I lost weight rapidly and entered into a deep depression. I withdrew from my friends and stopped attending clasess-all the time being obsessed with the number on the scale. I knew I couldn't keep living that way so I sought the help of a psychiatrist on campus. This resulted in a hospitalization that was only known to me and my parents. I was afraid of looking "crazy" to friends and other family members and kept the month long hospitalization a secret, saying I was away for the holidays. I spent Christmas and New Years in an eating disorders program on a general psychiatric ward in 1994. After 30 days my insurance coverage ran out. I was in a better place physically and emotionally though in retrospect, it was just long enough to break the cycle I was in but did not scratch the surface of what led me there in the first place. For my financial circumstances, it was the best I could hope for.
The next several years I lived with the eating disorder mindset and some of the symptoms but as time passed, I began to make a life for myself that did not revolve around my weight. I maintaned long friendships, worked, got married, and even gave life to two amazing children that bring light to my life every single day.
I wish I could say that was the end of my struggles but my disorder reappeared again around the time I turned 30. While I still felt the need to "chase the high' of losing weight it was different than when I was younger. It had become like a security blanket or soothing mechanism during difficult times. I used it to isolate myself physically and emotionally from the world.
As a nursing mother, I found myself in what had always been an unattenable place: My weight was down yet I was consuming food without guilt or hesitaton. When my children were no longer infants that required breastfeeding, I felt my weight begin to creep up and this set the stage for my eating disorder to recur with a vengence.
My life was once again consumed with a madness to lose weight. This time, the physical effects exerted a much greater toll on my body then when I was a teenager; my hair began falling out, my menstral cycles ceased and I looked and felt like the walking dead. I hid from everyone except my children and even with them, I could only go through the motions of taking care of their daily needs while being trapped in my obsession. I refused to go anywhere that invlolved food and stopped seeing friends and family. I worried what my accomplished friends would think of me.
I felt shame for having a "teenage" disease. I cooked elaborate meals for others to consume but had lost the ability to nourish myself. I lived off a diet of dry cereal and brown sugar for almost a year. Any attemtps to eat something beyond that and I would purge, often multiple times a day. If I had to venture out, I concealed my disease with three sweaters and two pairs of pants. I cut my hair to hide the veins that protruded on my forehead. I was trapped between feeling like I could not live without my anorexia and the profound feelings of guilt for being a woman who was letting a beautiful life slip away. This was not the life I had envisioned for my children. I strove to give them the best existence possible on earth and there I found myself physically uanble to scoop them up into my arms.
You hear about people reaching "rock bottom" with an addiction, mine came almost a year ago to this date. It was more of a profound realization that may seem obvious to others but had been elusive to me. I stepped on the scale one day and saw a number that I never thought I could "reach". All the years of starving, purging and worrying had brought me to this point and I asked myself how it felt to finally weigh this little? The answer was that I was miserable and nowhere near happiness. I knew if I was to continue living that I would have to make peace with myself. I could hate my hips at an anorexic weight just as easliy as when I was overweight. The answer was not in a number on the scale, but in learning to love myself. For me, that was the begining of my journey to heal and I am lucky that I survived to reach that place-many, many others die before they get there.
Today, I am physically in a much better place but still am dealing with the damage I have put my body through. My weight is back on the high end and I vacillate between acceptance and going back. I struggle with my new, "healthy shape", body-image, and low self-esteem. I am much more engaged in the world and have worked at building new friendships and social outlets. My children are thriving and happy little people (who I am able to pick-up all the time now). And while not all my symptoms are gone, I fight every single day to keep going.
How to help someone you care about:
- If you suspect your partner, friend, etc. has an eating disorder share your concern. One of the biggest lies we tell ourselves is that "I don't have a real problem because no one suspects a thing.." You may not get an honest answer, but the fact that you called them out on it will register with them.
- Encourage them to seek help. You may feel emotionally drained and confused watching someone you love waste away. It's not your job to "fix" them but to provide compassion.
- If you are a parent or are around kids-build up your childs sense of self-worth (the benefits of this reach far beyond the prevention of eating disorders).
- Watch your own obsessing with diet and weight-these are powerful messages we send to our kids and others. Keep the fashion mags out of the house, the scale locked up and put the emphasis on being healthy -not skinny.
If you are struggling with an eating disorder:
- The earlier you can seek help the better the long-term outcome. If you can't aford a private therapist, start with a family physician (if you have one) or check out local hospitals or college campuses which often offer free support groups.
- Reach out to someone- this disease carries so much shame that this can be difficult. Try a trusted doctor, teacher, professor, or someone you trust. You don't have to announce it to the world but telling someone is a start.
- Remember that no matter how much it feels like it really is about food and weight-it isn't. Don't fall victim of the "I'm not thin enough to get help". Youl'll never feel thin enough ( I never did) and could very likely die before you feel that way.
Useful links for finding help:
http://www.something-fishy.org/...
http://www.caringonline.com/...
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.o...
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