Moldy Grampa-Stink
Fri May 09, 2008 at 10:03:03 AM PDT
I woke up this morning with flop-sweat, really understanding for the very first time how the Fantastidelegates must be feeling.
I'm just not sure Barack Obama is the right candidate.
I mean I'm sure, but I'm not SURE.
Well, really I'm SURE, but I'm not absolutely SURE or rather absolutely and completely SURE or rather still totally, absolutely and completely SURE or even maybe wholeheartedly, supremely, divinely, totally, absolutely and completely SURE.
See...
...in 2004 we as a party were SURE enough with John Kerry that we were able to get done with this process by the second week of February and in 2000 Al Gore was so SURE that Bill Bradley didn't win a single primary state.
Both those men had the kind of passionless, fact-based, sure-footed, we've-been-here-before, dull-as-a-grammar-lesson obviousness and electability that made us SURE that they would destroy George Bush in the general election.
Which they did!
See, that's the kind of iron-clad, definite, wholehearted, supreme, divine, total, absolute and complete SURITY I think the Wonderdelegates are looking for before they step in.
You know who else made me feel SURE?
Walter Mondale.
He had gravitas and experience and white skin that white skinned people LOVED.
He had that moldy-grampa stink and had been there when the chips were down.
Please, I suspect dude was drinking enSURE while he campaigned.
And that's why the Mondale years were so successful!
The Hallelujadelegates are just doing us the favor of making sure we're Mondale sure.
The LAST thing we want to do is be like the 1976 Republicans who had to chose between the SURE George H. W. Bush and WHAT-ARE-WE-THINKING Ronald Reagan.
Remember Ronald Reagan?
Of course you don't.
But be assured that guy is what the Wetoldyasoadelegates are trying to save us from.
So, while I'd LOVE to just commit to Senator Obama I really think maybe we should get a blood test and a CAT scan and all his taxes and his parents taxes and his grandparents taxes and a urine sample and two contrasting essays and all the drawings he did back in kindergarten and a full diaper and a call biopsy from his umbilical cord.
Y'know so we can have orgasmic, omniscient, utter, floral, alien-head, iron-clad, definite, wholehearted, supreme, divine, total, absolute and complete SURENESS.
