Somewhere along the line my life has spiraled out of my control. I have become the mistress of debt mismanagement, and I do not see any way to change it. Hell, I'm not even sure I can figure out how it happened in the first place.
It did not happen overnight; that much I know. I was not ever rolling in money. But only five or six years ago I had little non-equity debt, and I was doing my very best to pull things together after a difficult transition following my divorce that tapped me. I had had some high uncovered medical bills as well; that was not helpful, and a poor real estate investment in New Hampshire kept holding me back, so I was struggling, but I was breathing.
As of today, I don't know where the air is anymore.
The $700 autopayment for my $70K equity line came through, which I had been trying to get them to postpone, officially making me that much overdrawn, and I don't get paid until the 10th. My credit card debt probably totals half again that much, and the one card I actually use is maxed. I have nowhere to get money unless I go to one of the cards with obscenely high rates and borrow it...which of course would be at even more obscenely high rates. My house is undoubtedly worth far less than my mortgage--isn't everyone's?--so I have no more equity to draw on. And my 23-year-old son has recently moved back in along with the plethora of psychiatric issues that prevent him from holding down a steady job.
This is four months in a row that the money has run out before the bills have stopped coming in. I'm going insane.
I spoke to my bank's manager today; thank goodness I have a relationship with her. I asked if it would help me to borrow the only $230 remaining on the equity line and pay off not part of the checking account debit but rather the maxed-out overdraft line so that small autopayments that come in this week wouldn't cause new rejections. She said it was a good idea and did so, further offering to watch out for any overdraft charges that might accrue between now and whenever the transfer "takes."
It's a new kind of robbing Peter to pay Paul. I'm robbing one aspect of my debt to pay off another. I used to do this sort of thing to get better rates on credit cards, not to get by from day to day.
Frankly, this sucks.
I know I am not alone. And I know also that I am not the person here who is in any way at all the worst one affected by horrific finances this year. I've read the diaries of those who have lost so much more than I could bear to lose, and I cry for them. I wish I could help them. I wish I could help a lot of people: the victims of famine and poverty and genocide and AIDS in Africa, the millions who have suffered the loss of homes and loved ones from natural disasters in this country that our lack of modern infrastructure did little to help, those everywhere suffering from diseases that are incurable only because the money is not readily available for research, the people around the world whose governments oppress them and who do not have the rights to speak out. I wish I could help them I wish I could help anyone.
I cringed today when I realized how little money I had given to charity last year. I donated more to political campaigns than to charitable organizations in 2008, and I didn't exactly max out my political donations. It's not been a banner year for me in any way.
I wish I could realistically blame the economic collapse for my troubles, and it is partially to blame. It's the reason my husband is unemployed. It's a contributing reason for my son's lack of employment. But I have a steady (and tenured) job. It's not just the economic collapse. It's... I don't know what it is. I live in a small, overcrowded townhouse with my husband and three cats and whichever offspring happen to be here at the moment. I have few indulgences in my life that I can easily get rid of. My car is 12 years old, and I have not replaced a television set in ten years. I do have cable, but it's about the only "optional" thing in my existence.
I'm whining. I'm sorry. I needed a place to vent and you guys won the coin toss. I don't actually believe that there is a solution to this crisis, or that I am more deserving of anyone's sympathy--or even as deserving--as hundreds of thousands of other Americans whose lives are being stomped upon by money matters at this time. In fact, don't waste your time feeling sorry for me. But if you do have the money, and you can help someone, please do it. The person who is in trouble might be someone you've never met.
But it might be your neighbor.