It seems that the Bush Administration is committed to conducting at least one more heinous act of torture – a prime-time TV "farewell" on Thursday night.
The expected victims: factual reality, common sense, common decency, and the English language.
Some predict that the speech will draw fewer viewers than an Eight Is Enough rerun. But I think it features a certain lurid appeal – kind of like the urge to look back at a horrible traffic accident one has just passed.
(And at least several thousand Republicans will likely be watching to see if there’s any new news on how wide the attempt at blanket-pardons is likely to be.)
For those still weighing their interest in watching (or stomach to watch), I thought it might be worthwhile to try to figure out what Bush is likely to say.
Now its a foregone conclusion that the speech will be a celebration of the passive voice – i.e. along the lines of "mistakes were made, lies were told."
And we’ll likely hear the media and the US Congress - as well as irrational exuberance, extremism in defense of liberty, unforeseeable events and basic cruel fate – get blamed for everything that went wrong.
To get more specific, though, I have borrowed a state-of-the-art forecast model from one of our leading Wall Street financial institutions to help systematically make predictions.
Presented below, then, are the top 10 things Bush might say or do in his farewell address:
- Issue an executive order (effective immediately) adopting the Julian calendar - effectively postponing Obama’s inaugural by another 13 days
- Warn, thoughtfully, of the dangers of the rising plutocrat-religious nut-military-neoconial complex (Note: after Bush, there just isn't much "industry" left in the mix)
- Expound on various principles and secrets under-girding his legendary nicknaming prowess
- Offer an exclusive tour of the Presidential bubble (complete with sauna, plasma TV, and air hockey table)
- Insert quick-flash images of Washington, Lincoln, and Truman subliminally (subliminably?) throughout the speech
- Declare a new pre-emptive war (enemy TBD)
- Explain that, despite what he’s done, it should always be remembered that he liked children and dogs
- Announce that the rapture is starting
- Amend his pledge vis Osama bin Laden to "We're going to capture him dead or alive – or at least in some keepsake photographs"
And the top thing Bush is likely to do in his farewell address:
- Raise the terror alert to Orange, for old time's sake
I guess these Wall Street models can be a little shaky of late – so let me ask (in the spirit of celebrating the passive voice) are there any that got missed?