8:45 AM: "Make coffee for Laura in hopes of some long-overdue quality time."
8:47 AM: "Call Dick for permission to use the half and half instead of the skim milk.
Ask if I can have 2 eggs instead of the 1 I usually got at the White House.
Also ask Dick if he thinks the brown shoes with the Lee jeans and the studded belt projects that all-important 'still-virile, used to be The Decider' look."
9:00 AM: "TiVO The View."
11:00 AM: "Send Barney to black-operations site in Tanzania for rendition to determine the location of right, currently missing, erstwhile 'chewed' slipper."
"NOTE TO SELF: Stress positions and electro-shock to sexual organs may still be fine (call Dick on this matter), but water-boarding, apparently, is a big no-no."
11:15 AM: "Meet with biographer on book of my time in the White House."
"Discuss deleting the proposed chapters on the American Economy, the Iraq war, Hurricane Katrina, Weapons of Mass Destruction, FISA wiretapping, Vladimir Putin's Soul, Scooter Libby, Karl Rove, the 'Bin Laden determined to strike in the US" memo and... what's her name... the house-keeper I nominated to the Supreme Court."
12:00 PM: "Ask Dana to get me out from under the whole 'Why didn't you take out the recycling' fiasco. If Laura gets loses her shit... tell Dana to claim 'executive privilege'."
1:35 PM: "Invade Sally and Howard Grunzenbecker's property on account of the CIA intelligence that they have a disturbingly loud riding motor."
1:38 PM: "Avoid anything resembling an apology and blame the CIA for mistaking the Grunzenbecker's cat Mr. Stinkers for the aforementioned offending riding motor."
"Call the FEMA about a 'temporary Gruzenbecker residence'. Is the Super Dome available?"
1:39 PM: "Draw up plans to invade the Nitterwald's."
2:00 PM: "Death-match Jenga with Turdblossom."
2:35 PM: "Call Investment Broker about recent royally ass-fucked 401K statement. When I was Governor the holdings were worth TWICE what they are now."
"Some nimrod screwed this up, BIG TIME."
2:45 PM: "Make similar call to Real Estate Agent on diminished value of house."
3:50 PM: "Finally finish 'The Pet Goat'."
Ha-ha-ha. God... just thinking about that hungry goat makes me... ha-ha-ha...
4:00 PM: "Prank call John McCain's office and ask for the President of The United States."
"If John doesn't laugh... ask to speak to his 'black-child'."
5:00 PM: "'Attend 'Advanced Abs Shoe Ducking Hip Hop with Gloria' at 24 Hour Fitness."
6:16 PM: "Sneak away for piña colada with 'Chocolate-Love'."
"Ask her if we managed to fuck 'Old Europe' on the way out the door... just because."
8:00 PM: Make sweet love to Laura. (Check w/ dick first.) (Check w/ Dick Cheney as well.)
8:03 PM: "Hang 'Mission Accomplished' banner over bed."
8:08 PM: "Sleep soundly knowing the world is in good hands."