With the What Me Worry? Legacy Tour in full retrograde swing I thought I would enumerate the many dangers soon to be former President Bush (STBFP Bush) saved us from having to face. After all, this is a reality based community and we should admit to the instances where STBFP Bush's policies, actions, and brush clearing cowboy swagger stopped dead in their tracks dangers, abominations, and national coups.
First and foremost, he prevented the Lizard People from being elected. Yes, they were on the ballot in all fifty states but thanks to Bush's cleverness he directed all those Secretary of States to print the Lizard People's names on the ballots in invisible ink so the only people who could see that they were actually on the ballots were the people who smuggled black lights into the voting booth. And if you think I am making this up all you have to do is take a peek into some of the votes in the Franken-Coalman election where people too poor to possess black lights but nonetheless wanted to surrender our nation to the supposed safety of the Lizard People wrote their names in on their ballots. Thanks STBFP Bush we were spared having to install warming rocks in all public places and he kept live rodents from being served at fast food restaurants.
Second, STBFP Bush has stalled the Rapture from happening. Now I know many people would think that Bush would encourage its happening and that his Middle East policy is centered around creating the armageddon that will herald the return of Jesus Christ Superstar but W knew all too well that he wouldn't be ascending on fairy wings to play hoops with the Heavenly Father so he made sure that the Rapture wasn't allowed to happen until he's accrued enough Magical I'm a Good Boy points so he can enter Heaven. Current OMB projections state he'll be ready to enter by 4200 or so.
STBFP Bush has kept the Chinese and Russians from forming a strategic alliance and invading the homeland. And you thought the Department of Homeland Security was all about terrorism but it was secretly about preventing the nefarious plots of the Russians and Chinese from taking over America and forcing us to eat borscht for breakfast and stir-fried crickets for dinner. Bush's ingenious posturing has prevented these two nations from becoming friendly with one another and ganging up on us and we should build him a big, shiny statue somewhere near the inner core of the planet so one day it can be toppled over by liberating magma people.
Speaking of the magma people, Bush has also kept countless volcanoes from exploding and blanketing the world with a nuclear winter like haze. Granted, he had to promise to increase the rate of global warming to keep the magma people happy but it worked and we haven't had a single volcano blow up and kill millions of people. This is why you heard all these stories about the rumblings in Yellowstone; the magma people were declaring to Obama that he better continue Bush's pro-global warming policies or they will start erupting volcanoes!
STBFP Bush has also kept teh gays from teaching our children how to dress stylishly, which is their number one recruitment tool--I should know because they recruited me with a fabtastic Jenny Jones style make over that has gotten me laid a million times since coming out. No Child Left Behind wasn't about insuring children were learnt good it was about making sure it wasn't teh gays doing the learning and Bush waved his manly Andover pom-poms from his cheerleading days and suddenly all homosexuals and lesbians suddenly became obvious to everybody so school districts could insure they weren't hired. God bless W for keeping our children's precious bodily fluids pure from taint.
Speaking of precious bodily fluids, STBFP Bush led the call for AIDS in Africa by insisting that ever failing abstinence based plans be the center piece of his policy along with giving those infected cheap meds that they couldn't afford on their dollar a day incomes. With the help of Rick Warren and military juntas disguised as fascist priests Bush's policies insured more and more people would get AIDS and we would be there to rescue them with magical pills.
Bush also had his secret agents insure that the Star Wars prequels sucked so that the government's Star Wars program would look all the better in comparison, which was assuredly needed because after decades of time and billions upon billions of dollars they are nowhere near reaching their goal of being able to shoot a bullet down with a bullet and I for one and am tickled pink that money will still be dumped into this program that helps us sleep safer at night dreaming of magical missile shields. Sure, they don't actually work, but they make us feel safer and isn't that what national security is all about?
On the science front Bush has kept us safe from its predatory practices of putting truth before ideology. STBFP Bush has kept us safe from the evils of evolution, stem cell research, and, most importantly, he had a black ops teams sabotage the EU's Large Hadron Super Collider preventing the spontaneous creation of a black hole and the subsequent annihilation of the globe in a way that wouldn't bring about the Rapture. Again, this was probably more because he wanted to make sure he got into Heaven than actually protecting humanity, but at least his heart was in the right place.
Another story the liberal media has quashed is the story regarding how kick ass American sports are over all other sports. Football--the real one with the ole pigskin and not the one with they immensely weak soccer ball--is still the number one sport in the world! The statistics that claim otherwise are the product of the pro-soccer statisticians and their attempts to force upon us the world's most boring sport--that's baseball's job and it come froms America unlike the EU's footie. Seriously, how can you take a sport seriously when it's called footie? America also won all the gold medals at the Olympics thanks to Bush secretly spiking all our athletes with undetectable super-duper steroids that had been engineered with a 90 billion dollar grant from the Department of Homeland Security with the intentions of making sure our athletes would remain dominant across the globe. You might remember other nations winning gold medals on the televised portions of the Olympics but those were staged so that the foreign countries wouldn't feel so sad to the point that they'd launch all their nuclear weapons to hide their shame from the rest of the world. In this case STBFP Bush kept our dominance in the sports world but also protected the world world from nuclear destruction.
Another story kept from the headlines was Bush resolving the writers' strike in Hollywood last year. Once the talks had dragged on long enough that Bush was annoyed over missing new episodes of Sesame Street and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, he sent Condi Rice to Hollywood and had her strangle a dozen well known writers and then used the government's secret resuscitation technology to revive the writers at which point she delivered an ultimatum: either get back to writing or the President would have them sent to Gitmo. Those twelve writers spread the word to their fellow Hollywood elites and in less than a week the strike was settled protecting Americans right to be exposed to an endless barrage of poorly written and acted television shows.
The internets and the googles was also preserved by STBFP Bush. Did you know that Alaska's former Senator Ted "Tubes" Stevens accidentally spilled one of the three drops of the remnants of his soul onto the master control keyboard of the the internets, which would have caused the collapse of modern society but Bush used his super secret MacGyver skills to string together a dozen Blackberries, five Ipods, and a Play Station 3 to serve as a temporary master control unit until Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, and Hiro Nakamura could fix the problem. Because of this Americans did not have their perpetual stream of pron, cutie animal pics, and morans on You Tube injuring themselves to become famous interrupted. If you wanked to porn during the first two weeks of March 2005 you have STBFP Bush to thank for it!
Are you a fan of hamburgers? Or of hamburgling? Guess what? You have STBFP Bush to thank for all that burgery goodness! How did this happen? Quite simply, the President came across a conspiracy by PETA to infect all our cows with a biologically engineered meta-super strain of mad cow that had been designed by the military to upset Hindus, because military intelligence had mistakenly connected them to Al Qaeda. By a stroke of luck, Bush had secretly attended a Dave Matthews Band concert where a PETA poser was overheard talking about the project in an effort to impress a hippie chick so he could get laid. The President then infiltrated the inner reaches of PETA and uncovered the plans after torturing key suspects by making them watch endless video loops of bull fighting, the movie Babe, the gross scenes from Fast Food Nation, and MacDonalds commercials. The President took six months off from governing the world to learn how to hackey-sack properly so he could breach that inner circle and we all owe him a big phat thank you for making that sacrifice for us.
The fashion world was also saved by the mighty W. With falling ratings, he secretly went on Project Runway after having his consciousness transferred into the body of a talented by snotty know it all named Christian Siriano. Yes, that's right, President Bush is really the season 5 winner of Project Runway. His favoring of skinny jeans and skinny pants has not only reinvigorated the fashion industry but also empowered the diet and exercise industries plus has helped to employ a legion of therapists who helped countless people overcome the loathing of their bodies.
Ending with where we began, STBFP Bush also halted an invasion by the notorious inter-dimensional aliens known as the Grays. Remember when NASA's efforts to investigate Mars went awry over and over? That was because the Grays live on Mars and did not want their impressive cities documented by our government. Knowing there was no way to prove their existence, Bush went to Cheyenne Mountain and dialed up the Stargate and snuck into their base where he killed all their men and impregnated all their women with his powerful man seed. With all their men dead and their women pregnant the Grays realized their race was only going to survive if they accepted their new hybrid status. Of course, he later learned that the Grays were isolationist pacifist and never would have attacked us and didn't even have the military capability to attack us but that did not stop Bush for proclaiming "Emission Accomplished" and that he had stopped an alien invasion. He's currently shopping the story to Hollywood but the NSA keeps telling him the film cannot be made as a matter of national security but his excitement to star in his own blockbuster action film is causing him to forget that. Fortunately, Laura Bush is keeping an eye on this matter and has an amnesia dart at the ready if W seems like he's about to spill the beans to the wrong people.