We all appreciate how hard it's been for you these past eight years. There's so many reasons to hate this man-
We all hate him. Sometimes, we might even think violent thoughts about him. But even you, Lone Nut, were stopped from doing anything about it because you knew that behind that man was this man-
As of Tuesday, that was no longer a problem. There is no longer a worse evil behind the evil and I know you're thinking to yourself, "now is my time." Well I am here to ask you to please avoid making front page news and go back to crafting your newsletter.
I'm not going to insult your intelligence by telling you not to because it's illegal. I'm sure even you, Lone Nut, are aware of that.
Here are my reasons for you to please leave him alone-
- Martyrdom
Oh sure, we all hate him now, but what happens if he gets rubbed out by you? I'll tell you what, he becomes a martyr. Oh, I know what you're thinking, what kind of asshole would consider THAT guy to be a martyr?
Well, it's happened before. For example, there was St. Olaf, martyr and patron saint of Norway. St. Olaf spent most of his life killing and converting... sometimes converting, then killing. Sometimes torturing first. Finally, he was killed by his own people who just couldn't take him anymore. Now, he's patron saint of Norway.
Please do not make Bush the patron saint of Crawford.
- Justice
Oh sure, you think it would be justice to get him, but what about the rest of us? You are denying us the one thing we're all hoping to see. Namely-
You might not be old enough to remember when Kennedy was shot. I know I wasn't... but I do know that everyone was pretty pissed off with Jack Ruby for shooting Oswald because everyone else wanted to see him get raked over the coals.
We want to see Bush raked. A lot. Over and over again... but not in the way he would probably have it done to an Iraqi. We'll give him something he didn't care about- the law. Justice can be a bitch, lone nut. I'm sure, being a lone nut, you've had personal experience with the bitch justice before. Maybe you served a little time... imagine being Bush and having to serve time... think about the living hell that would be. See? You don't need to do anything to hurt the guy.
- This man:
You'll be stealing his thunder. He finally gets a chance to shine and you'll go ruining it by making him attend funerals and memorial services and saying all kinds of nice things the way you do about dead people. No one wants to have to say nice things about Bush.
- No one will be able to make fun of him for years.
Once a guy dies, especially if it's tragic, it becomes 'too soon' to make fun of him. For years. Making fun of Bush is the only thing that got us through the last eight years. If you off him, you'll make all those jokes taboo and we won't be able to watch re-runs of The Daily Show or That's My Bush!
(Okay, we won't be watching That's My Bush! reruns anyway, but you get my point)
- Kennedy Syndrome
The news people will find all kinds of ways to compare him with Kennedy. Just no.
- No Celebrity Status
You think it will get you famous? I'll give you famous- Leon Czolgosz. Charles Guiteau. Ever hear of them? No? Well, not by any fault of theirs since they both killed presidents. The problem was that they killed presidents McKinley and Garfield and they were pretty mediocre to begin with.
So please, Lone Nut With a Gun, please limit your living creature shooting to the animals you survive on in your Montana shack and don't go killing anybody... even when that person is really, really, bad. It just ain't right.
- Significance
Don't let him have any.
Oh, and as for this guy-
Don't even bother. He died back in the 1980s and his hate keeps him moving.