Dear DCCC,
Thank you for the recent phone call asking me to help elect more Democrats to the House of Representatives. Since you have my unlisted phone number, you should be able to safely assume that I have donated to you or other Democratic candidates in the past, and have at least a general idea of Democratic politics.
Because the caller identified himself as calling on behalf of the DCCC right from the start, I didn't hang up on him as I normally would. Actually, you should be happy that I'm waiting on my new sofa to be delivered, otherwise I wouldn't have answered a call that had the caller ID blocked, but that's neither here nor there.
The reason I'm writing this letter is to inform you of the person who called me. He was very polite, a little long-winded, but was able to follow the script provided for him fairly well. He didn't stumble over the words at least, which is a nice change from most solicitation calls.
In the chance you haven't received one of your own phone calls, let me give you a quick synopsis of how the call went:
Caller: Hi I'm Joe, calling for the DCCC how are you today?
Me: Broke, sober, and I've got a pimple on my left ass-cheek that hurts like hell when I sit on it.
Caller: Excellent. Did you know that Republicans are really horrible and evil, and not a single one of them voted for the stimulus package, the most important piece of legislation since Pompei was wiped off the face of the earth by rogue Mermaiden terrorists? We need to get rid of the Republicans once and for all. Can we have some money?
Me: I know exactly what you mean. I work very closely with the local Democratic party and I would to donate some money, but unfortunately none of that money ever seems to make its way back to my district where it's needed now more than ever, so I think I'm going to pass this time around and donate to my local candidate. Besides, I'm broke after buying a new sofa.
Caller: I understand. Perhaps I can mail you a pledge card. I'll just put you down for $35.00 and you'll receive it in the mail in a few days.
Me: I don't think so. I really don't want to donate to the DCCC right now.
Caller: But the Republicans are evil. They'll starve your children and melt the soles of your shoes so you slip on the ice when you walk out your front door.
Me: I know this. Believe me. My Congressman is John Boehner.
Caller: Is he a Democrat or Republican?
That long period of silence on the tape recording of my call isn't a Nixonian cover-up attempt, but my inability to find the appropriate words when a caller from the DCCC didn't know if John Boehner is a Democrat or a Republican.
In the end I gave up and explained to the caller that I understood his situation, that this was just a job for him, and as a result I wouldn't hold him responsible for his lack of knowledge. Instead, I'm going to hold the DCCC responsible for this man not knowing who the hell the House Minority Leader is.
Seriously folks, if you hire a telemarketing company, make sure that they provide their employees with at least the basic information about why they're asking for money. I mean, the perma-tanned wonderboy from Ohio has become a master at getting his face on television since November, so I would expect the callers to at least know who he is and what his position is, along with a few other prominent Republicans.
The other point I made to the caller still stands as well. I live in the House Minority Leader's district. The DCCC didn't do a damned thing to see him lose the election in 2008, and so far I've seen no indication that they intend to spend money defeating him in 2010. I fail to understand why you, the DCCC, are not going after prominent Republican leaders directly each and every election cycle.
Republicans have a history of attacking Democratic leaders in Congress, specifically targeting their districts and forcing them to devote time and money to defending their seats, and in a few cases even defeating them. When are you going to learn from them and take the bull by the horns and fight back?
Go after the Republican leadership, and perhaps the next time you call me asking for money I won't care that the caller doesn't know who the House Minority Leader is.