Hey it's a slow Sunday night, and the appearance of Whitney Houston doing her best Mad TV imitation of herself with that weird cracky voice and those big heavy lids, I knew somebody needed to live blog this sucker.
That guy is not me.
I know, I know, this is not a real diary. PLEASE RECOMMEND anyway so others can see it....
But it is a live blog, if you will make it so.
Let's talk about Whitney. Crack is whack, Dianne! She looks gorgeous but she looks like they just rolled her out of the bed to be there.
Now Jennifer Hudson wins. She seems to have the napkin from her dinner affixed to the front of her dress.
God, I love this show already.
UPDATE: After incredibly lame monologuing from first "The Rock" and then Justin T., which seemed to take up about the first hour of the show, the thing is redeeming itself with a hot version of "Let's Stay Together" by Justin and the inimitable Al Green. (Editor's note: Apparently this performance was a last-minute substitution for either Chris Brown or Rihanna, both of whom dropped out of the show due to an incident of domestic violence)
UPDATE x2: After a pretty good effort by Chris Martin and Jay-Z (thanks muzikal) and the rest of Coldplay on "Viva La Vida," we now have Carrie Underwood channeling the Jeannie C. Riley look while singing the hell out of that song "I Don't Even Know His Last Name." I think she is red hot.
UPDATEx3: Remind me, if I ever win the Lifetime Achievement Grammy, to ask for more than the two-second kiss off they just gave Brenda Lee.
UPDATEx4: Coldplay wins "Song of the Year" for Viva La Vida, rawther a predictable win. And here is Kid Rock looking like a turtle in a porkpie hat.
UPDATEx5: Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift sing charmingly, if slightly off key, a song by Swift, and I say they were pretty good for a couple of girls whose combined age is 35. Robert Plant/Allison Krauss win the award for something or other - I was at the fridge when they named the category.
UPDATEx6: Jennifer Hudson makes a dramatic entrance in a black spangly dress that suits her much better than the stapled-on-napkin dress from before. The song "You Pulled Me Through" is boilerplate inspirational, but her powerful reading redeems it.
UPDATEx7: In the saddest waste of talent in television history, Stevie Wonder plays keyboards and sings backup for The Jonas Brothers.
UPDATEx8: "Best Rock Album" goes to Coldplay for "Viva La Vida." Okay now I am sick of Coldplay.
UPDATEx9: The juicy and gorgeous Katy Perry descends in a giant banana, performing "I Kissed A Girl" with lots of girl-kissing, lots of Katy's decolletage, and a mucked up microphone that made her voice nearly invisible. Which was a good thing.
UPDATEx10: "Best New Artist" is between Adele, Duffy, Jonas Brothers, Lady Antebellum, and Jazmine Sullivan. The winner, Adele, did look surprised and pleased to win, and left off chewing on her chewing gum for about one second to cry and give her acceptance speech.
UPDATEx11: I am not a Kenny Chesney fan, but the man can sing.
UPDATEx12: Record of the Year presented by the lovely Natalie Cole, Herbie Hancock, and "Sean D. Combs," which is I guess the latest name for Puffy. Robert Plant and Allison Krauss win for "Please Read the Letter." Cryptic non-speeches from Robert Plant, T-bone Burnett, had a nice old-fashioned fucked-up rock star feeling.
UPDATEx13: Show staggers to a new low with the "Rap Pack" and some strange pregnant woman (MIA) in a kind of a fishnet bug suit.
UPDATEx14: Paul rocks out on "I Saw Her Standing There." He looks fantastic - divorcing that woman definitely agrees with him.
UPDATEx15: Jennifer Nettles gives her powerful voice a workout (she is one half of Sugarland) and then gives it over to Adele to sing "Chasing Pavements." Adele is an unusual talent and has the feeling of someone who'll be around a long time.
UPDATEx16: I've been waiting all night for Radiohead, and it is very cool to see them backed by elements of the USC Ttrojan Marching band percussion section....
UPDATEx17: Neil Diamond, aging gnome, paces the stage and sings "Sweet Caroline" as if he is a great superstar and not some form of low life worm who has defiled our ears with his sleazy, sappy pop junk for almost my entire freakin life.
UPDATEx18: Having literally clawed my own ears off to keep from hearing Neil Diamond, I have stitched them back on and enjoyed a nice memorial version of "Bo Diddley" by B.B. King, Keith Urban, John Mayer, and an awesome guitarist whose name I do not know. (It's Buddy Guy - thanks LadyLibertine!)
UPDATEx19: Props to Li'l Wayne and Robin Thicke for a moving tribute to New Orleans "my city still underwater, people floatin," and then Allen Touissant and the Dirty Dozen Brass Band, and Terence Blanchard from the Crescent City in which this very liveblog is originating tonite! Li'l Wayne wins the Grammy for Best Rap Album and thanks God, New Orleans, and the audience.
UPDATEx20: Rockin' performance of two of the hits from their album by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss. Nice harmonies, and scorching guitar picking from T-Bone Burnett on "Gone Gone Gone." Plant's speech is interrupted by the get-off-the-stage music. He looks depressingly sober.
UPDATEx21: And here is good ol' Stevie Wonder, having somehow survived full immersion in a vat of the Jonas Brothers, singing a song I don't know to play the 2009 Grammys off into a well-deserved oblivion.
For those who haven't seen the show yet: I envy you many moments, including your first good luck at M.I.A.'s costume. Good night and rock on!