LONDON, 1845 [EAP] Conservatives have come out against the stimulus package aimed at reducing the number of people starving to death as the result of the ongoing Irish potato famine.
"This is unacceptable" said Lord Grover Norquist: "All we're doing is subverting the free market process. These people should be allowed to starve to death so they can learn how not to starve to death next time."
"I am voting against this bill because of the pork projects." said MP Eric Cantor, pointing specifically to the shipment of pork to Ireland that would immediately feed the one million people in danger of starving to death.
"What these starving Irish peasants need is a tax cut!" bellowed Sir Rush Limbaugh. "Everyone knows that with enough tax cuts, those potatos will defeat the potato blight and start growing again. Now go bring me my opium."
Others disagree. Economist Atrios Krugman DeLong points out that this stimulus package will pay for itself in the long run. "If you keep these guys from starving to death, they can contribute to the aggregate economy in the long run by being, you know, not dead. And not to be all wonkish and everything, but we have pretty good data showing that dead workers earn significantly lower wages than live ones."
The GOP is quick to trot out their own expert witness. Economist Ralph George Hawtry Sr Sr argues that this government package will only crowd out private charities: "As we of the Fresh Water-upon-Thames school of economics all know, this kind of government intervention will have a net effect of zero, since the number of people fed by private charities will reduce one-for-one by the number of people fed by this stimulus package."
Mr. DeLong is incredulus. "Are you guys insane? The stimulus package dwarfs the current charities expenditure to Ireland 50 to 1. Are you saying that our Anglican priests will steal 98% of all food shipments just to even things out?"