I always thought I could forget my past and get on with life.
But something wasn't working out. I was depressed, negative and felt cheated out of being a kid. So how could I be an adult if that needy child was still screaming for attention?
She finally got my attention. I attended my first Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting almost a year ago, and together, my inner child and me, we're beginning to nurture one another to sanity at last.
Have you ever lived in an alcoholic home?
Have you ever put off inviting friends home to play because you were so embarrassed when Daddy (or Mommy) would make a fool of themselves?
Have you ever slept in a bedroom near your parents and heard them argue about sex all night?
Have you ever known nothing but hand-me-downs from cousins?
Have you ever seen your dad throw glasses at your mother?
Have you ever asked your parent to stop drinking and been told to mind your own business?
Have you seen your mom pregnant just about every year of your childhood, only to find out that she had another still birth?
Have you ever experienced a first memory of having the doctor pull the blanket over the face of your deceased little sister?
Have you ever sat in the car with screaming siblings while your parent spent hours in the tavern after school?
Have you ever had to walk home to the country from your town school because your parent didn't remember to pick you up?
Have you ever had to wash dishes at school so you could eat lunch?
Have you ever had to be the big kid and take care of all the other young ones?
Have you ever had your front teeth pulled and replaced with false teeth as a teenager because your parents couldn't afford braces for you?
Have you ever been ridiculed at school because you looked like Bucky Beaver?
Have you ever been given the silent treatment from the other kids in your class because you were the teachers' pet?
Have you ever counted the days until you could leave all this mess and start a new life?
This was my life, and I did leave this environment more than 45 years ago. However, I still carry these hurts and memories with me as a grandmother. I still seek isolation from people. I am afraid of authority figures. I always think that people don't like me. I continue to feel unpopular and invisible. I know that not all of my problems as a child was my father and mother's faults, but nevertheless, they didn't give me the comfort and confidence I needed to become a halfway decent adult.
But there is good news. I am recovering. I am now in my Sixth Step of Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA). When I am with my group every other week, we often cry as we remember our childhoods living with parents who were either alcoholic or headed up dysfunctional families.
I urge you, whoever you are....an alcoholic, a co-dependent, a child or an adult child....to join your local Alcoholics Anonymous, Co-Dependents Anonymous, Ala-non, Ala-teen, or ACOA. You can be the link that changes future generations. It's never too late.
My father was an alcoholic. My mother was a para-alcoholic or co-dependent. My grandfather and great-grandfather were alcoholics. I am proud .... this day, this year... to step out in faith and love for my children, and break that chain of dysfunction that alcoholism and other addictions cause.
I was not the perfect parent myself when my children were young and needed me. I was still trying to do stuff to be noticed by my parents who remained wrapped up with their own problems. I put my children second in my life. And I am sorry for that.
If only today I could hug them and cuddle them, sing lullabies and play games with them! If I could praise them and kiss them every time I saw them!
A Higher Power did wonders with my children, and they have turned out to be wonderful adults. Nevertheless, they will always miss the fact that they did not have an adoring, loving mother.
May you today look at your life, reach for that inner child in you. Communicate with him or her. Integrate that child into your life today, helping it be nurtured by a loving parent in your heart. Re-assure your inner child that he or she no longer needs to hide, to cry, to be embarrassed of dysfunctional parents.
Help that child to shed its fear and enter into the sunlight of redemption. Help him or her to be assured that he or she is loved, even if it's by no one other than the Higher Power.
That small child is now invited to grow up, to be an adult in a new world full of kind and loving people, if we only step out in faith and give them a chance to like us.
Today, step out in that faith, and at last live the life in which all humans have a right to experience. Your children will thank you for coming out of the shadows.
If you need to, seek professional help. I am and I know I have much farther to go before I'm just as happy and secure as those persons who came from loving and nurturing parents.
That inner child needs you and your Higher Power in order to grow up and be the Real You!