Orlando (BNN) - Rush Limbaugh, in an unprecedented press conference today, invited reporters to attend the grand opening of his newest trophy room.
"For years people have been saying I've got cojones," the corpulent comedian cooed, "Well, today you can put a picture to that!"
Strutting before a shower curtain covered with pictures of Ronald Reagan and the American flag, he bloviated for forty minutes about his role as the de facto leader of the Republican Party, the Conservative Movement, Real America, and the Secret Order of Kuklos Adelphon.
Wheezing to a stop, the radio personality paused to catch his breath. He signalled his assistant, who began a drum roll. It took a couple of tries, but on the fourth tug at a golden cord, Limbaugh succeeded in pulling down the shower curtain (rod and all) to reveal his trophy wall.
Everyone gasped as he unveiled his collection of tastefully framed pictures. Pictures of Rep. Gingrey (R-GA) and Rep. Cantor (R-VA) were both displayed in wooden frames. A picture of Michael Steele, the titular head of the Republican Party, was also visible. With the exception of Steele's portrait, every other one was hanging over what appeared to be a set of bronzed balls
Limbaugh snapped his fingers and his assistant scurried off stage. He quickly returned with a velvet sack. Kneeling down, the assistant raised the bag over his head. Limbaugh dramatically reached in and pulled out a fresh set of bronzed balls. Limbaugh held them aloft for the crowd like an Aztec priest offering the beating heart of his victim to the gods. "These are Steele balls," he giggled.
As Limbaugh nailed his newest trophy to the wall, he declared, "Ladies and gentlemen of the press, what you see before you is not merely a trophy case. It is more than a reliquary. What I am sharing with you today is a shrine through which all those seeking Republican office must now pass. It is through this shrine that we will determine who is serious and who is delirious. It is through this shrine we shall sift the anointed from the disappointed. It is through this shrine that we will separate the men from their balls."
Mika Brzezinski, of MSNBC, looked at the trophies and seem puzzled. "Why don't you mount their heads as well?" She asked. Limbaugh curtly cut her off, "Madame, do you have any idea how hard it is to remove a Republican's head from their ass these days?" Everyone nodded in agreement as they furiously took notes.
Neil Cavuto, of FOX News, studied the wall in awed silence before whispering, "It's like an American Blarney Stone." Limbaugh overhearing the comment, smiled indulgently and bellowed, "Yes, Neil." The assembled corporate media , misunderstanding Limbaugh's remark for a command, dutifully knelt before him. Limbaugh, towering above them with hands on hips exclaimed, "That's right, kneel before me and bask in the glory of my shrine and know this: Any Republican who seeks to wield power must pass through these hallowed halls and show themselves worthy."
Anderson Cooper dreamily raised his hand. "What test must the supplicants pass? Will it be hard?" he asked in what can only be described as a hopeful voice. Limbaugh laughed, "All they have to do to demonstrate their devotion is kneel before the shrine and kiss my balls then...." The remainder of his comment was cut short as Michelle Bachmann, Michelle Malkin and Ann Coulter all screamed in unison, "You be da man! You be da man!" and rushed the stage.