Book Deals for Everyone! Put America to Work!
So I hear that Rod Blagojevich has a “six-figure” book deal. Why can’t I get a damn book deal?
Okay, I don’t have any crimes to write about, although I could describe in intimate detail how it feels to be cross examined by some, probably underpaid, call center worker in Costa Rica. Or, and here's a good angle, I could write about how when other people are late paying me, it makes me late paying my bills, and pretty soon the economy collapses. (What? You don’t think anyone wants to read about that? How about if I make it funny, and touching, and in the end uplifting?) An advance would really improve my relationships with certain of my own creditors and allow me to take it easy on some of my accounts payable, which is just good for everybody. Of course it would also make for a lovely resolution to the story of this part of my life.
But honestly, Mr. Blagojevich won’t be writing about crimes. He’ll write about bravery in the face of adversity, stoic survivorhood. I could do that. I wouldn’t have to pump it up with revisionism, either.
For a nice (low) six-figure advance I’d be happy to write about lots of things: The Wonderfulness of My Daughters, My Life as a Single Mom, Politics and Life, The State of the Economy And How It Got This Way, The Many Pathologies of Right Wing Weirdoism, whatever. I could write about what it’s like to write about those things, if that’s what it takes. My engaging wit and insight will make any subject both relevant and fascinating to a broad audience.
Oh, and I had breast cancer once. It’s not my favorite subject, but books about cancer are great sellers because it’s known that reading, or at least owning one has a protective effect. And as soon as my advance comes through I’ll schedule that mammogram I’ve been putting off because I keep paying more than I can afford for health insurance that never pays for anything. (Blago won't have that problem, at least if he goes to prison.) If we put our heads together I’m sure we could come up with a health care topic that cries out for a book-length treatment, from me, for America.
I could write about volunteerism, or in my case, doing good without doing well. A book deal for me wouldn’t just boost the economy that deals in goods and services bought and sold. It would also support the organizations I volunteer with. So you see, this deal would send stimulating tingles throughout the community. And wouldn’t that make you feel good?
Heck, for six figures I’d even make stuff up, as Blago undoubtedly will.
I’ll do it myself, too, Mr. Publisher and Giver of Book Deals. We could split your budget for a ghostwriter. I promise you will be very pleased with the quality of the finished product.
So bring it on. I’m easy to find.