From: Boss #176
To: C&J Employee Relations Team
Subj: Mr InPortlandMaine's Employment Outlook
We have been made aware that Mr InPortlandMaine could find better paying work outside Teh Orange. While many of his problems as an employee (office nudity, virulent flatulence, computer hacking, unscheduled sick days among others) have been documented during previous Bosses Meetings, we are not currently in a position to find a suitable replacement. We reviewed several H1B Visa applicants but determined that they would cost more than Mr InPortlandMaine's current salary and (non) benefit package.
I have scheduled a meeting so that we can brainstorm non-monetary ways to ensure Mr InPortlandMaine's continued employment with our firm. I need to stress that any suggestions cannot result in felony charges. Therefore, do not submit anything that involves physical harm to wingnut pundits, Village idiots and Republican members of Congress no matter how much Mr InPortlandMaine states he would work for free if given those opportunities. "In kind" services from willing dupes members of the firm should be given highest priority.
Thanks for your prompt attention in this matter.
Regards,
Boss #176
Greetings from the always red region of East Anklescratch, Central Misery. Once you realize that Missouri is a strange mixture of Rush Limbaugh insanity and Mark Twain common sense, everything becomes clear.
Oh, We Got Numbers:
Days until I'm eligible to retire: 3142
(but who's counting)
Days until my retirement account allows me to retire: 3142
(Source: Lady Esmerelda, my palm reader. She's no less accurate than most economists)
Days until Cold Wars: 9
(Grown men playing with toy soldiers. Bam!)
Days until Selection Sunday: 11
Number of hits when typing "kit bond alchoholic" in Google: 436,000
Years until completion of the New Mississipi River Bridge: 5
Years until interstate signs in St Louis and KC make sense: Don't hold your breath.
Your Weekly Steve Gilliard
For the better part of a decade, the conservatives made liberal a dirty word. Well, it isn't. It represents the best and most noble nature of what America stands for: equitable government services, old age pensions, health care, education, fair trials and humane imprisonment. It is the heart and soul of what made American different and better than other countries. Not only an escape from oppression, but the opportunity to thrive in land free of tradition and the repression that can bring. We offered a democracy which didn't enshrine the rich and made them feel they had an obligation to their workers.
From the I'm A Fighting Liberal post of 3 Dec 03. We miss you Steve.
From the "Against It Before I Was For It But Not Really" Department.
Senator Kit "Hiccup" Bond
After getting $2 billion for low income housing put into the stimulus package and saying that "The need for housing is great everywhere, particularly with affordable housing.", he replied when about his vote against it "It stimulates debt, it stimulates growth of federal government, but it doesn't stimulate the economy to create jobs."
Kit, rumour has it that you have a booze problem. Methinks these kinds of statements do nothing to quash those rumours. Next time, skip the 3 martini lunch. Here's a better idea: skip the last two years of your term. If you go, I promise you we'll find a way to make Burris go.
"My" Congressman Blaine "Generic Wingnut" Leutkemeyer
"Within the stimulus package there is some Pell Grant money, which is a good thing. It helps students be able to pay for their education and that's kind of a long term stimulus effect there. I mean obviously that's not gonna provide a job in the next 120, 180 days, but the ability of someone to get an education is an economic development tool. If they go back to the rules, it will make it very difficult to get earmarks through the next two years because number one we don't have any more money, we just blew it all on this stimulus package...."
Er, um, Blaine, you forget that the Misery state motto is "Build Prisons Not Schools." I guess you missed that memo when you were wrecking the state's Division of Tourism. Also, I thought yours was the party that hated earmarks. Or was that earwigs? I always get the two confused.
Cheers to Mark Shields. Last month on The News Hour, he provided a simple talking point to refute every right wing bobble head's attempt to take down FDR and the New Deal: In 1933 when Roosevelt took office, unemployment was at 25%; by 1937, it was at 9%. Actually, I like my talking point better: Amity Shlaes, shut your F&#@(#*$& pie hole!!!!!!
Jeers to the Village Media. Last week, Perry Bacon Jr, one of the WaPo's "stellar" (if you define stellar as a black hole sucking in a black hole) political beat reporters, said that Susan Collins "is on the left wing of the GOP". If she's the left of the party, I'd hate to see what the right is. Oh wait, I do every time James Inhofe opens his mouth. Ah yes, good ole Villager labels that have no reference to reality.
Cheers to Barney Frank and...Tweety. To quote the latter "oh god"; the End Times must be nigh if we're cheering that poster child of Villager idiocy. But let's give credit where credit is due. To the Wayback Machine (last week) and his interview with Frank and pesky wingnut Darrell Issa:
Matthews: Well, I think the Democratic Party calls itself the Democratic Party, not the Democrat Party. Do we have to do this every night? Why do people talk like this? Is this just fighting words to get the name wrong?
Issa: This isn't intended to be fighting words.
Matthews: They call themselves the Democratic Party. Let's just call people what they call themselves and stop the uh, the Mickey Mouse here. Save that for the stump-seriously.
Issa: Chris, Chris.
Matthews: Now let's get to the issue here, seriously we've got a fiscal challenge. I want to go back to Congressman Frank and to some English here. Congressman Frank are you worried about the size of these WWII numbers here? Again, 1.75 trillion deficit this year. A spending level of almost 4 trillion. We're almost running deficits as big as the revenue number we're bringing in.
Frank: Well Chris let me first of all come to the defense of my colleague Mr. Issa and the Republicanistical Party that he represents, um and say that ah...
Issa: Thanks Barney.
Frank: You're welcome there Darrell. The point is this. For him to say oh these are the Democrat's deficits. I have never seen people disavow their own handiwork so quickly.
We need about another 250 Barney Franks in Congress. Now that would be change you can count on. And sound bites you can count on. See, everybody wins!
Cheers for finding lost gems. A blog post from 2002 is like reading an illuminated manuscript from the 1300s. Best line: "the rest of you just want your guns, drugs and brothels (here in the US we call them folks "libertarians")." And Kos wants to court these people? Oh well, any port vote in a storm.
Jeers to the dying Chesapeake Bay. Let's see, in 25 years the crab harvest is down 70% and the oyster harvest is down 99.99%. Meanwhile, regional officials keep putting off meeting clean-up deadlines. So, after billions spent, the Bay remains essentially unchanged 25 years after a so-called "cleanup program" was started. You'd think the Bush Administration had been in charge of this all these years. Just goes to show you that being in a "Bush State of Mind" can transcend time and party affiliation.
Cheers to commercials you'll never see on the teevee: Trader Joe's. Best rant evah from the comments:
I love the store but hates the customers. The aisles are way too narrow with hordes of yuppie spawn skittering about the place, yoga moms on their Blackberries chattering like gibbons to their BFF about the price of coffee. Clueless, vapid dudes staring at each item on the shelf like its going to speak to them. All of them moving through the aisles like a slug in January, oblivious to anyone else who happens to want the product they've so generously parked their cart in front of. Ask them to kindly move gets a look that would curdle cream. I can see it in their eyes as they look at me - "Dirty hippie, how dare he come in to my store? Don't his kind have their own store to go to, why come here?"
I'm guessing that one of us actually wrote this under another name. Now's your chance to come forward.
Jeers to car dealers. This could generate some hate mail but if you don't believe me, go to here, here, here, here, here, here and about a bazillion other places on the web. Still don't believe me? Read this. Do ya know why the Big 2.8 are, in some ways, having a hard go at effective restructuring? Dealer franchise laws in every state. Who has the local lobbying clout in your respective cesspool of bribery and corruption, aka Your State Capitol? That's right, car dealers. When GM axed Olds, it cost the General 1 Billion dollars in payouts because of dealer franchise laws. And whenever you see somebody defending car dealers, keep in mind that it's mostly car salespeople. And whenever you see somebody attacking car dealers, keep in mind that it's the rest of the galaxy. Again, repeat after me: Most Car Dealers Suck. Why? You never know what kind of deal you got. And if any car dealers are reading this: Could you give me below invoice plus dealer holdback on my next car? Keep the undercoating. And change your business model. We all want to like you.
Tomorrow's C&J episode will be brought to you by PoliSigh. The pool should be clean by then.