I was going to incorporate this into a Totally Irrelevant Crap diary I'm working on, but it was getting a tad long. So I thought why not throw it out there on its own as a late-night question to ponder; what is the worst moviegoing experience you've ever had? The impetus for this is an article from the good people over at the A.V. Club in which this is discussed.
If it's a movie I'm really interested in seeing, I generally prefer watching it in the comfort of my domicile on Blu-Ray than going to a theater. Don't get me wrong. I like watching a good film with an audience & feeling the reaction, but there are some things that I just hate about it too. For one thing, there's the robbery at the snack bar for Popcorn, Cokes, and those Hot Dogs that have probably been spinning in a rotisserie for days like their 7-11 counterparts. The teenage workers who are text messaging in-between taking $3 for a small Coke should have ski-masks & knives to just complete the milieu of the whole process.
Then it's on to your seats in the theater.
The worst movie experiences can start with something simple, but it's largely related to something I think is inherent with most of the world's problems. I call it "The 5 Percent Rule."
Under normal circumstances, 95% of the world's population cause no problems in a public setting. However, there is that five percent, consisting of both men & women, and every race & age group, that are just utter & complete selfish jag-offs who have no clue how to act in public or probably at home either, and don't care how their actions might affect other people. From there, most conflicts flow, and anyone who's worked in a service industry job has encountered someone from that 5 percent at one point or another. If we could just isolate & eradicate that "wanker" gene in the human genome, what a world it would be.
So how to judge the worst movie experiences? For me, I'm going to go a little Dante Alighieri and present these as descending Circles of Moviegoing Hell. So lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate.....
- Bad Movie - You get into the movie with your $10 tub of popcorn, sit back, and wait for the Hollywood magic. However, the film is utter shit. Then the decision becomes do I get up & walk out, or do I stay & hope it might get better? The only movie I've ever walked out of is the Jean-Claude Van Damme cinematic classic 'Street Fighter' (I was a small kid & I still knew it was crap).
- Shitty Theaters - I don't know how many times I've went with someone to see a film, and when the movie starts, notice the projector isn't aligned correctly with the screen (so part of the movie is being projected onto the curtain to the side of the screen). I've also heard of bulbs in the projectors blowing out, and movies being projected onto torn screens. Then there's the sound, which may not be in sync, not at the right levels, cut in & out, or not play at all.
- Talking To The Screen - "HEY!!! Look Out! He's BEHIND YOU!!!!" Memo to all the people of this planet: I know it can seem real at times, but the characters in the movie can't hear you. You know who can? The people sitting in the room with you, who want to hear what the characters are saying.
- Discussing The Movie In The Middle Of The Movie - This is sort of like talking at the screen, but with the added twist of having the equivalent of a book club discussion in the middle of the f-ing film. I want to see the movie, not listen to someone discuss the characters' motivations with their friend. Discuss the fucking movie after its over. This also occurs when people happen to be.....
- Bringing Small Children To Inappropriate Movies At Inappropriate Times - Someone give me a rational reason to bring a 4-year-old to a midnight showing of 'Friday the 13th', 'Last House on the Left', or even a movie like 'The Curious Case of Benjamin Button.' Either the child gets bored with the movie, at which point its time to run up & down the aisle, or the kid wants mommy & daddy to explain why Jason is hacking up a camp counselor.
- Assholes With Their Cellphones - How hard is it to put a phone on vibrate, or even turn the bloody thing off for an hour and a half? Even worse is when the phone rings in the middle of the movie, and the idiot decides to answer it & have a conversation. I've seen brawls start over people not being able to have just an iota of consideration with their damn phone.
- Infants In A Movie Theater - I've mentioned this in past diaries, but there is no reason EVER to bring a baby to a movie. It's not like the baby is watching the film, and when the 6-month-old at an R-rated flick starts screaming its head off, what does mom & dad do? They just sit there and let their child scream over the movie, instead of getting up & walking outside to see if they can calm the child down.