We've all experienced them - situations (and people) so annoying that they suck the will to live out of us, leaving us empty husks forever doubtful of the inherent goodness of man and whose life has been drained of colour except for that red mist that comes down when he - AAAAAARGH! - does THAT GODDAMN THING again.
This diary/open thread is dedicated to all that in life which causes the red mist to fall upon our eyes, triggering a berserker rage (or at least a snide comment or two).
Oh, and lest I forget, a big TIP O' THE OLD HAT to Granny Doc, whose tip jar comment has inspired me to throw this together.
In no particular order, I present to you the Abbreviated List of Things Which Bug Me:
- Weird cults which don't get the hint
The doorbell rings and before you stands a lad wrapped in a white sheet with a vacant look and a naive, idealistic smile who wants to interest you in the books he's selling, and his religion. Fair enough. But it's not fair anymore when he replies "I'm sorry. I'll return tomorrow to see if you've changed your mind." And he returns the next day. And again. And again. Never mind the threats, the requests, the begging, the claim that you're a kabbalist who wants to debate the merits of human sacrifice with him. He just keeps coming back. Like malaria. Or leprosy.
So, how'd I get rid of him? Down the street lives a trucker. A big, aggressive bloke, and an idiot to boot. So I said to the erswhile missionary that I wasn't interested, but X down the street might be. I also suggested that he worked night shift and that the missionary should pay him a visit at around 4.30 A.M. when he would just return from work. I never saw the chap since. I do hope he's all right.
- People who act like total goddamn idiots at the theatre
All right, I've just about got used to the fact that people act like unwashed barbarians at the cinema, but when they crawl into the theatre I still get that misty eyed look:
All in all, Guantanamo bay should be reserved for people who bring McUnfood, Kebabs, crackle snacks (actually happened), or who answer their goddamn mobile phones in the middle of the play.
- Taxi drivers who don't shower
Jesus-fucking-Christ. And you can't get away from them, either. Tuck yourself into the seat and hope your nose shuts down.
- Bratz dolls
Teaching your kids it's fun to be a Hollywood hooker.
- Holiday reading
By Murphy's ineffable laws, the book you'll buy to read at the poolside will suck, big time. I bought The Historian when vacationing in Portugal. That has to be the most overy-hyped book I've ever read. All that suspence for a banal resolution and a climax which is about a page and a half long. Big font. It feels like you've ordered a gourmet feast and all you get is stale prison food.
- Botox and facelifts
Because looking like a space alien crawled into your head is so sexy - Botox can turn out... bizzarely, shall we say? As for facelifts... if a woman (or Silvio Berlusconi) has a few too many she begins to look like a frog, what with the perma-grin and weird eyes. See also: Michael Jackson (Prolly the only human with a removable nose, and proof positve that America is a land of opportunity: You can be born a poor black kid and die a rich white woman.).
- Brats who torture animals
The only thing that can drive me to an act of violence. Let's just call it a... whazzat... bendy educational thing... learning curve.
- Scientology
Now that's just weird. And it seems they've ensnared half of Hollywood, notably Will Smith and Tom Cruise. Also, any religion where it's pay-to-play deserves all the derision it can get. As an aside, it may get banned in France as a cult and a scam. Fancy that.
- Ultra-conservatives
A more obnoxious version of the street preacher with a "The End Is Extremely Fucking Nigh!" sign, but with better clothes and a nice car. And a less-coherent message.
- Yuppies
Bateman ain't a role model, you pricks.
- Exploitative flirts
If you think I'll help you because of your cleavage and because you're all so friendly and seductive while you ignore me and spread weird rumours behind my back outside of exam time, then boy oh boy are you in for a nasty surprise.
- Roadtanks
Overcompensating, are we? Well, if you have to... BUT DO YOU HAVE TO ACT LIKE A RHINOCEROS IN MATING SEASON ON A BOX OF VIAGRA while you're at it?
- People who cut lines at the post office
Yes, I know you're in a hurry. But everyone is, so at least ask and give a reason and don't act like a haughty eejit.
- British tabloids
Because I really don't want to know about the Royals, the octomom, or any random z-list celebrity. Also, your design and article titles suck.
- People who wreck busses
You don't need to break things to prove your manhood. As a general rule, only a man can act like a total prick anyway, so there's no need to underline the point.
- Lawsuits over inheritance
Is that goddamn tea set worth alienating your entire extended family?
- Airport security
My belt is NOT an explosive device. Also, if I manage to kidnap an entire plane with a pair of nail scissors (itty-bitty little things) then the passengers fucking deserve to be kidnapped. And tell me again why I can take a lighter on the plane with all those flammables around?
- Peas
Haven't eaten them since I was old enough to spit.
- Skinheads
When I go out to party I do not want to get my skull bashed in by a group of random idiots such as these. At least the cops, in my experience, hate them.
- Brits who want to get a tan
Portugal again. If you're pale, like me, you won't sunbathe much, now, will you. Ah, but Brits (at least in my experience) tend to confuse brown with red or, occasionally, scarlet.
The most extreme example was a yoghurt-skinned Brit at a pool in Portugal. He sunbathed from dawn 'til dusk every day. Now, I'm not a doctor but I'm quite sure skin isn't supposed to be violet. Oh, well, he had to be aiming for that Chernobyl look.
- Films that suck in uninteresting ways
Titanic: God, oh, God, you're actually happy when the ship sinks because the nightmare will be over soon.
Harold&Kumar 2: The first part was all right, but the second part is an abomination before God and Man.
Red Dawn: I. Do. Not. Want. A. Peek. Into. Chuck. Norris's. Head. Savvy?
The Matrix 2&3: They do not exist. They never existed, and will never exist.
... ad infinitum
- Insufferably cheery coworkers
No one has the right to be full of energy on a wet monday morning. Also, anyone who actually enjoys corporate morale-building exercises has a few screws loose up there.
- Obnoxious drinkers
I went out to party, not to have someone throw up all over me and my friends. And I do not appreciate something sticky spilt over me, either.
*
Well, that's it from me. And what's bugging you?
Update:
- These guys
Because to say that this song is disturbing is like saying the Atlantic Ocean is damp.