Either the janitor is correct in his estimation of a conspiracy - we would ask him but he did make it to the staff poker game this week, and he was up almost fifty cents when last we checked in so we will not disturb him - or confusion reigns on the campus of Blogistan Polytechnic Institute. Or at least down here in the mail room. Confusion about the economy and how the administration is trying to solve it. Confusion about the proper media role of former candidates' children and current presidents. Confusion about the importance of the NCAA Division I basketball tournament. Just ... confusion.
We endeavor to clarify what we can and further obfuscate the rest, below the fold....
First, however, we suggest a Japanese breakfast of cold, pickled vegetables and marbled rice, with a cup of hot green tea. Please use the chopsticks for the vegetables and the rice, not the tea.
+++++
Dear Ms. Crissie,
I've noticed a lot of diaries on Daily Kos criticize me. I would like to suggest a program for dealing with these toxic assets. First I propose a stress test whereby we consider a diary's performance over the next six months. Diaries that remain on the DKos recommended list throughout that time would remain, while those that don't - some call them 'zombie diaries' - would be taken into receivership and clarified before recirculation into the private sector. Of course those who support the diarist would receive guaranteed mojo, paid from Kossacks as a whole, including recommend bonuses for diarists whose contracts provide for such, offset by depreciation of appreciation from the reading of non-readers, amortized according to the diarists' Capitalization of others' underlying proper nouns. I would ask if you agree but I've already implemented it.
Timothy in D.C.
Dear Timothy,
If we understand you correctly, and we are not at all sure we do, you would like to receive less criticism for your mistakes. If that is your goal, we offer a simpler strategy: make fewer mistakes.
+++++
Dear Ms. Crissie,
I've been informed that Timothy in D.C. will be writing to you. As I'm a busy writer and professor myself, I'll keep this short: whatever he said will be wrong, once anyone can figure it out.
Paul in Nobel Jersey
Dear Professor,
While we generally don't encourage sweeping conclusions, yours may well be correct in this instance. We read Timothy's letter, and we think he was likely wrong, but we are sure we are not sure.
+++++
Dear Ms. Crissie,
You just said you're sure you're not sure. I'm confused.
Janitor in Blogistan
Dear Janitor,
Please return to the poker game. The Chef needs you for her retirement fund.
+++++
Dear Ms. Crissie,
I don't understand why people are upset at me for calling Megan McCain a fat cow. First, she is. Second, she said something I disagreed with so I had to insult her. Why are people so thin-skinned?
Ann in NY but voting in FL
Dear Ann,
We would explain the niceties of social discourse, but we are certain you would stop listening to comb the snakes that comprise your hair.
P.S. We are informed below that you did not call Ms. McCain a fat cow, but that this was another blonde-haired, female, conservative pundit. We apologize for any confusion and you may return to styling your asps.
+++++
Dear Ms. Crissie,
What is that guy doing on the Tonight Show? And wishing Iranians a happy new year? He's supposed to be keeping us safe - by which I mean planning ways to invade countries I hate - not yukking it up with comedians and being nice to evil-doers. Or did they change the rules for presidents since I learned them on the playground in second grade when I was able to beat up skinny nerds who got better grades than me?
Frothing in Red Blogistan
Dear Frothing,
First, we suggest a napkin for that spittle, as it looks most unseemly amidst the beard stubble. Second, the beard stubble doesn't make you look rugged; it makes you look lazy. Third, the rules did indeed change, because the country elected one of the skinny nerds who got better grades than you.
+++++
Dear Ms. Crissie,
Let me first say I greatly admire our new president, despite my having been a lifelong Republican. I think he is an outstanding man and I believe he will be a great president. I am, however, concerned that he took time away from dealing with our country's many crises to fill out an NCAA basketball tournament bracket on TV. And not just because he has chosen my state rival to win the tournament. Should he not focus his time on the important issues of his job?
Coach in NC-but-not-UNC
Dear Coach,
We shall first say that we greatly admire the tradition of excellence you have built in your school's basketball program. You are to be greatly commended for that. We also applaud your kind and sincere comments on our nation's president, and wish more in your party were as committed to our winning as a nation rather than their winning as a party. As to your complaint, however, we wonder whether your time would have been better spent preparing your team for the tournament, rather than appearing for press conferences and writing us letters?
Of course we ask that question only rhetorically, as we are sure you can manage your time well enough to do both. We are also sure our president can do likewise. Good luck in the tournament!
+++++
Dear Ms. Crissie,
Cold, pickled vegetables and marbled rice? The green tea sounds good though, and I've just made a pot. Want some?
Chef in Blogistan
P.S. Thanks for fixing the buffer, and for sending the janitor back. My retirement fund looks much better.
Dear Chef,
While it may sound odd at first, that traditional Japanese breakfast is actually quite refreshing. Please don't be put off by the notion of marbled rice. It is simply rice with soy sauce, compressed into one or more hand-rolled balls. And yes, we would be delighted with a cup of your always perfectly-brewed green tea.
P.S. You're welcome. The usual thirty-percent split?
+++++
Happy Sunday!