I've read some funny stuff here on DailyKos. We need a good laugh now more than ever. I've seen funny comments, snarky comments, satirical diaries, etc. All of it has been pretty good.
I've been doing a satirical blog lately, mostly about my town's petty politics, but also going a little nationwide lately. I encourage others to do the same. Using humor instead of anger helps me get through tough times, and I know a lot of us are having tough times right now.
I hope you find this diary funny, or at least mildly amusing. It's a spoof on the day's events re: Senator Ted Stevens' case but also a poke at what happened to the DOJ under Bush. What those idealogues did was a disgrace, and I can only hope they pay for it in the afterlife...
Dispatch, Washington, D.C., April 1, 2009
In a sharp break from the policies of the Bush Administration, United States Attorney General Eric Holder announced today that the Constitution is indeed, constitutional, and that the rights of the people enumerated therein would be enforced.
The shocking development came to light when the Department of Justice, with Mr. Holder at the helm, asked a federal judge to dismiss an indictment against former Senator Ted Stevens (R-Alaska) and toss out Stevens’ conviction on corruption charges because DOJ attorneys under the former administration failed to disclose exculpatory evidence in Mr. Stevens’ case, a violation of ethics rules and, basically, the very principles of fairness and decency. The DOJ also indicated they would not seek a new trial.
When reached at his home in Alaska, the former Senator expressed delight at the sudden turn of events. "I can’t believe I’ve finally been vindicated, and by Democrats no less," said the exultant Stevens. "I think I just might change my party affiliation and run against Sarah Palin in the next gubernatorial race."
When reached in Wasilla and asked to comment on Stevens’ statement, Governor Palin asked what "gubernatorial" meant.
Former Attorneys General John Ashcroft and Alberto Gonzales disputed Holder’s interpretation of the Constitution, The Bill of Rights, and all that other ACLU crap. In a joint statement issued by Ashcroft and Gonzales, they defended the findings of the DOJ under the Bush Administration in the Stevens’ case. "In any criminal proceeding, the prosecution is required to turn over exculpatory evidence to the defendant and his or her counsel, but we saw no evidence of exculpting here. We sent FBI investigators to every pottery studio in Alaska, and there was no evidence of any exculpting by the prosecution whatsoever."
Since taking office, Mr. Holder has wrestled with DOJ directives handed down during the Bush administration that seem to interpret the Constitution according to Evangelical Legal Theory. A 1976 graduate of the Columbia University School of Law, Mr. Holder explained that Evangelical Legal Theory had not yet taken hold when he was in law school, and no such classes were offered.
"I’ve certainly read up on it since that time," explained Mr. Holder. "I’ve taken several CLE (Continuing Legal Education) courses in Evangelical Legal Theory because I have to fulfill my CLE requirements just like anybody else, and what I’ve found is that it’s not a particularly difficult concept to grasp. Basically, it requires that whenever there is evidence of a crime or civil infraction, the prosecution has to ask "What would Jesus do?" Since Jesus forgave everybody for everything all the time, no exceptions, it’s a pretty easy legal principle to apply. For example, if someone shoots someone else, society as a whole and the victim have to forgive the perpetrator. It really cuts down on the cost of the prison system. There is some stoning on occasion, and an a pox on someone’s house once in awhile, but it’s not a bad system of jurisprudence. Unfortunately, the First Amendment requires a separation of church and state in this country, so we have to abide by the rule of law as set forth by our founding fathers, and not by the law grads of the Regent University School of Law."
When word reached the Regent University School of Law campus that bar exam questions were based on actual laws and not the Bible, a mass email was sent to all alumnae explaining why the school’s bar exam pass rate was so low, and suggesting that all Regent law grads would make partner at a big firm in heaven.
Upon learning of the DOJ’s new theory of justice, attorneys for Ted Stevens filed a motion in Federal Court demanding that the government immediately order the Centers for Disease Control to remove the pox that has been placed on the former Senator’s house since his erroneous conviction last fall.