Once upon a time,
Financiers, known in the kingdoms the world-over as FreeMarketeerBOOBs (Benign Order Of Bankers) had one primary job, and that was making money helping people. It was a good and noble job, imposing some discipline on the creation of new businesses and helping to stabilize existing businesses and providing for expansion, helping people own homes -- all for modest fees. And life was pretty good minus a few skirmishes with wildlife here and there, spotty healthcare and whatnot.
But the FreeMarketeerBOOBs were not content. The business of helping people to create and maintain businesses and homes had created a strong desire to make more money enable ever more people to have homes and businesses. And so the BOOBs directed their attention near and far to see how they could break free to make more money achieve this end. Over decades they enticed oglers the populace to borrow money against their yearnings and then their asses, but despite the bigger mansions happier populace, BOOBs were still not satisfied. Their hopes sagging, they covetously followed financial markets that were rapidly rising -- and over cruel fences of regulations from eras long past, they could be seen stealing peeks at the scantily clothed boys of Summers, the FreeMarketeerNUTSACs (Nabobs Ubiquitously Trading Securities and Commodities).
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For longer then most could remember, the FreeMarketeerNUTSACs had been a relatively conservative bunch, ever since several of their kind had hurled themselves at the ground in an effort to fly. At first such efforts met with failure and bruises. Undeterred, some NUTSACs decided that the problem was simply one of elevation, and so from loftier perches, they tried again -- this time to disastrous results. Eventually, the surviving NUTSACs were chastened and given lifesaving guidelines of behavior by their lords and for years on end, they quietly toiled in their profession and didn't cause much trouble.
It's worth noting here that prior to the NUTSACs dismal flying experiment, they were heavily engaged in erotic behavior with the BOOBs. It wasn't so much that they loved each other, but they both loved (and still do to this day) money helping businesses, homeowners and other common folk. So with fluid monetary exchanges between the two professions, it was no surprise that when the NUTSACs crashed to earth, many BOOBs were left with deflated relationships and suffered greatly themselves. Of course, all of the people who had relationships with NUTSACs and/or BOOBs were devastated as well and some descendants still glance up nervously when walking past tall buildings.
In the end, the greatly annoyed lords of the realms were none-too-pleased to learn that the BOOBs had in fact encouraged some of the risky NUTSAC behavior and declared that the two professions should cease their entwining for the good of all. And so it was as we rejoin our tale several generations later.....
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In recent years, the fascinated BOOBs had seen the effort that the NUTSACs were going to in order to increase the length and breadth of their financial earnings. They watched as the NUTSACs boldly convinced their present day lieges they themselves could be the noble regulators of the search for more money free enterprise system in order that all the subjects of the kingdoms who had time to play the game properly might grow to be bigger, stronger and more than above-average looking. "Trust us!" chanted the NUTSACs in unison to their lieges, "Through our diligent manipulation scrutinizations of securities and commodity markets, and aided by millions of individual loyal gamblers investors, businesses will be forced to maximize their worth to the gamblers our people by improving the near term profits goods, services and prices offered to the them."
"Whatever," said the distracted lords of the realms, "just less for us to worry about." And quicker than the abuse smoking of a cigar, all of the hedges were covered with milk and honey so that the people of the lands might taste the joys of being a NUTSAC.
Then one day, not so long ago, the peeking BOOBs were spotted by the scantily clad NUTSACs and a thrill of recognition coursed through their loins. "If only we could be together again." they sighed. "But we can!" exclaimed one of the NUTSACs. "Our lieges trust us now and have been profiting by our actions for quite some time." added another. "The kingdoms shine with opportunities that can only be accessed by our combined skills and passion. We will make love again and the voyeurs will watch it on pay-per-view!"
And so it came to be, the lords of the kingdoms, preoccupied by many troubling wars, agreed to allow a great wedding of BOOBs and NUTSACs. Under a full moonie, banking was merged with gambling outfits the rest of the financial services and the kingdoms the world-over rejoiced at the sight of multi-billionaires proliferating and making the world safe for fecundity. From this fertile alliance were born the FreeMarketeerDOOFUSes, aka The Devine Order Of Financial Umbrella Services.
Invigorated by the release of long-standing repression, and chewing the heady moral fiber of rigged financial structures truly unrestrained free markets, DOOFUSes plunged some kingdoms headlong into Golgafrinchamservice industries worthy of our ancestors, while other DOOFUS champions proceeded to provide harsh labor employment to billions of fuzzy creatures. They worshiped the Bull markets and laughed at the bears in the circus. They attained great money and power satisfaction in helping people. And they did it efficiently and with great creativity. Even various Gods seemed to approve.
...Alas, all good things must end before they begin again. Their senses dulled by the deluge of hormonal overload, the DOOFUSes created far more wealth money than was actually being created in real goods. As the effects of the orgy started to wear off, the DOOFUSes came to their senses and realized that the jig was up and that the markers were going to be called in. They, like their ancestors, had attempted to fly off of tall buildings and now the ground was coming up fast. And it came....
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The lords of all of the kingdoms on earth were outraged that they had been duped and shook mighty fists at the DOOFUSes laying on top of many of the crowds that had gathered to worship the running of the bulls, and they vowed that such a travesty would never happen again. Most of the survivors of the disillusionment, eager to believe that all would be well again and that someday they could return to the gambling table market with fair rules and better oversight, cheered their lords and gave thanks that they still had a pot to piss in. Everyone knew that the sun would shine again, and that money love would be restored to the world again.
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There were whispered accounts that laughter mingled with the cries of anguish in the skies as the DOOFUSes fell to earth during the unholy days of financial disillusionment. Most of those who heard it interpreted the laughter as hysterical madness as doom approached the damned, others heard their neighbors laughing with delight. But it turns out that the music wasn't, in fact, ready to die. Unlike many of the lords of their realms, most of the DOOFUSes had read a good deal of history; about how they had once almost been united, how they had come to be officially separated as BOOBS and NUTSACs, how they had managed everyone's love of money humanity to come together. So as their body doubles collided with the dismayed crowds below, the DOOFUSes were safely gliding to nearby grounds on cushions of air to be whisked away by faithful servants. They would return flush with the money they so richly deserved to buy up more of the tangible earth resources to help rebuild the economies that they had accidentally ruined.
Indeed, the sun would shine again.
h/t to the dearly departed Douglas Adams: Flying is Learning to throw yourself at the ground and missing. Would that I could write a 10th as well to describe the madness of our financial civilization.