Washington - (Fux News): Nobel Laureate in physics, biology, chemistry, and economics, the esteemed Congresswoman; Lord of the Realm; Defender of the Faith; the Right Honorable Rep. Dr. Michelle Bachmann, M.D., today announced that her research into the myth of anthropogenic global warming has yielded another startling result - according to Dr. Bachmann, Albert Einstein's theories of both special and general relativity are actually a hoax.
Said Bachmann, "Well, I had some time in between introducing a bill requiring that homosexuals, socialists, and atheists be boiled alive in oil as punishment for their hatred of traditional Judeo-Christian values, so I decided to come back to my office and run some calculations on the angular momentum of neutrinos passing between the ergosphere and the event horizon of a rapidly-rotating Kerr black hole.
The results were quite startling: it appears that Einstein was wrong about everything. What scientists have observed as the curved nature of the spacetime continuum is actually a massive hoax perpetrated by Al Gore."
Bachmann went on to blame Al Gore and "other America-hating liberals, who shall for now remain nameless" for advancing the theory of relativity in spite of evidence for what she called the "Baby Jesus theory of spatial geometry and particle physics," which suggests that the fabric of the universe itself is actually comprised of the subatomic Baby Jesus. According to her alternative theory, the different types of quantum particles in the universe are all actually just Baby Jesus in different positions:
"My work has clearly shown that the most basic constituent particles of matter are really just Quantum Baby Jesus. So, if Quantum Baby Jesus is crying, you get a proton. But if he's stretched out and sleeping, the good lord is manifested as an electron, muon or tau particle. And, when Quantum Baby Jesus goes pee-pee, we observe a photon.
Basically though, the supposed spacetime curvature left-wing so-called 'scientists' have observed is actually just Quantum Baby Jesus trying to avoid unsaved heathens."
However, while Bachmann's work has huge implications for our understanding of the universe, it is not without its detractors. According to well-known cosmologist Stephen Hawking, Dr. Bachmann is a "totally insane lunatic" who should be "placed in a straitjacket and locked the fuck up." Physicist Michio Kaku seemed to concur with Hawking, saying: "Yeah, this is definitely complete bullshit. I'm pretty sure we can rule out 'Quantum Baby Jesus' as a unifying principle of physics. How the hell did this woman get into the US Congress?"
Fux News reporters tried to contact Rep. Bachmann to reply to the criticisms leveled against her, but she was unavailable for comment. "Congresswoman Bachmann doesn't like to be bothered when she's polishing her assault rifle with her proprietary mixture of cow dung, holy water, and Glenn Beck's semen," said her spokesman.