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And there came a time when a new governor was chosen among the people, and there was rejoicing among the multitudes, for the people were much oppressed and there was a great thirst among them for justice.
But some among the people were much agitated and began to wail and gnash their teeth, for the paying of taxes was a burden unto them, and therefore they began to consult among themselves, and to call themselves together, because of the great anguish they felt.
And they held unto themselves a great gathering, which they called a Teabag Party, and raised a great tumult thereto against their taxes, for it was like a festering boil upon their hides.

And one of their leaders, a cantor of the temple, said unto them: "It is not the government's money! It's your money!" And there was a great fear among them that the Hedge Fund Managers and Investor Classes might have to give forth in equal portion to shopkeepers and herdsmen.
And so they called together a gathering around the time of Tax Paying, and their leaders and teachers came forth to exhort them, for among them they were all in agreement, that the Government Was Not the Solution, but that the Government Was the Problem.
And some among them also came forth to decry the unholiness of all they beheld, that all manner of wickedness had come upon the land suddenly, in the last 70 days or so, which had never before been known to them.  Of this they complained bitterly, as it was like a biting plague of lice in their hair.
And yet others became much excited, and began to tear out their beards, and rent their clothes, for some among them beheld evil forces at work, and secret plots against them, and even to behold the influence of Satan himself in their miseries.  And certain others vowed they would not pay forth whatsoever in taxes because as they said, the Governor had never been born, as there was no record of it.
And they began to wail and howl,  because it was like the taste of ashes in their mouths.
So it came to pass that in their great distress and diminishing numbers they cast about for a wise man to lead them in their great Teabag Revolt, and many men did put themselves forward to take the position of leadership.
But some among the candidates were found to be weak, many were unwise or unstable, and it was discovered that others were possessed by demons or other low spirits, and yet others were found to be tainted by unusual habits or manners of appearance, but all were found wanting and fell short. And so they had no one to lead them, and it was like a festering sore upon their lips.
And then came forth from among the people one they had not seen before,  whom they did not recognize, and said to them, "I will teach unto you and give you counsel, that you might know wisdom."
And at first they did rejoice, for among them were many who could not find their way on a straight road in broad daylight without someone to lead them.
And he said to them, "Ask unto me your questions, and I will answer."
But first they asked him,  "By what authority do you teach us?"
And he answered them by saying, "I ask you; by what authority does Limbaugh teach you?"
And the people consulted among themselves, and said "If we say it's because he's our leader, we will look like idiots, but verily if we say he is not, the crowd will stone us. " So they said nothing.
And so one among them asked, teacher, should we pay our taxes? For has it not been said by our leaders it is not the government's money, but it is our money!"
And he said, "Take out from your wallet a dollar." And the man brought forth a greenback dollar bill.  
And  the teacher said, "Whose face is upon the buck?" For it was the President Washington.  
And the man said, "It is the President." And the teacher said, "And by what authority is it issued?"
And the man looked and said, "The Treasury of the United States"
And the teacher said, "Give unto the Treasury what belongs to the Treasury, and to the President what is the President's, and consider yourselves lucky that you have money at all, because without a Government you would have none, as it would have all been taken from you by Pirates, or Indians, or the Madoff, or even other Governments you had no voice in choosing. "
And at this the people became wroth, and  called him a smart-ass, and began to shout and call him a traitor and socialist.
And one among them, who was rich, said to him, "I am rich, and even by my own effort alone I have become rich, and yet I may have to pay over another 2% for  wasteful loafers, or even green energy and education! Is this not tyranny?" And he tore out his hair out and wailed, for it was like a biting worm burrowing into his kidney.
And the teacher answered him, "Did you then build your own road to travel hither today? Did you dig your own sewer system down which you flush your exquisite turds?"
And the man became angry, but the teacher went on,  "Did you vaccinate yourself against Polio? Do you make your own laws and enforce them yourself? Did you alone, whilst still a baby, defeat the Nazis?"
"No," said the teacher, "Your fathers did this for you, because they loved you, and thus must you do for your children, even though it cost all your wealth, or even your life, as they gave as much for you."
So another man said, "But what about the unholiness and perversion rampant in the land? Teh Gays are marrying one to another, and we can not bear such wickedness! Shall we not stone them as of old?"
And the teacher answered them thus:  "Gaze upon this picture which I carry for just such an occasion!  It is of a barely legal boy's buttocks, oiled, firm, and glistening! Behold the tautness of  form and smoothness of texture! Linger over the sweetness of the cleft!  Let those men among you who feel no stirring upon their nether regions cast the first stone. All can see if you are cheating!"
And the people fell silent, but  many among them began to cross their legs and squirm, and they became fearful, for of these thoughts they had told no one, and kept secret even from themselves. And some even began to furtively slink toward the public restroom, with creepy glances one unto the other.
So the people muttered among themselves, saying, "Let us change the subject back to economics, for we are uncomfortable with this line of discourse!"
And they all nodded, and one stood and said, "I too am wealthy, but if I must pay forth in taxes the same as the multitudes, I will have no incentives, and all my work will be as for nothing!"
And the crowd did cheer the man, saying to him, "Go Galt! Go Galt!"
And the teacher answered, saying, "I say to you, sell all your belongings and give the money to the poor, and you shall have incentive enough to work again."
Some in the crowd grew angry and shouted at the teacher, calling it mockery, until finally he relented and said unto them, "Fine, then Go Galt, that all the world may be taught the lesson of your irreplaceable awesomeness."  
At this the multitude became confused, as some thought they were being mocked again, but others were not so sure, and so disputed among themselves.
And one man said, "I am not rich, but am a simple plumber, meaning I used to work in a plumbing store, which I no longer do, but which store I intend to buy when I become rich, which will surely happen because I have a magic number that I play every day. I also am working on a country album and a book deal.  Check out my website at..."
And the teacher interrupted him and said, "What is your question?"
And the man said, "Should I not go around and preach the gospel of the rich, so that when I strike it rich, that I shall have all the blessings of the wealthy?
And the teacher sighed and spoke to them in a parable.
He said, "In a time long past there was once a vampire who lived in a great castle, and his name was Dracula. And this vampire lived exclusively on the blood of gorgeous, large busted young women and finely proportioned, sexually ambiguous young men. And he had everything he wanted. But in the dungeon of his castle he kept a servant, named Renfield, who lived on the blood of spiders and rats and other vile creatures, because he hoped that someday Dracula would also make him a vampire."
At this the crowd muttered and said, "What manner of parable is this, what is the meaning of this fable?"
And the plumber who had asked the question said, " I don't get it."
So the teacher answered him in a simple way, saying, "You're Renfield."
And then the crowd became filled with furious anger, and began to throw their Teabags at him, and worked themselves up to lay hands upon the teacher, stripping him of his coat.
The teacher said, "You have taken my coat. I give you also my cloak." And he did so. But this only made them more angry, and many began to brandish their guns, which they had carried to that place.
A great cry arose  among them "He's a Socialist!" said some. "Traitor!", said others, and they began to beat him fiercely about the head and shoulders. A great tumult broke out, with people running hither and thither, and firing their weapons, some accidentally,others from a great distance, until finally the teacher was dead.
The multitude then stood around kicking him for a while, until they were sure he would not rise again, and then they all went home. The next day there were chocolate Bunnies for all. The End

Originally posted to AWhitneyBrown on Sat Apr 11, 2009 at 09:06 AM PDT.


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