Apparently, Governor Perfect Hairy has drawn a part in the coiffe. Sorry, a line in the sand.
It seems that the portion of the Stimulus Act that concerns extending unemployment benefits to United States citizens who are residents of the great state of Texas is oppressive and will not stand.
Governor Perfect Hairy is so upset about this, has such... overwhelming popularity and unified bipartisan support behind him... (no, not really)... that he is willing to stand shoulder to shoulder with secessionists and see if he can win where the pirates off the coast of Somalia could not - and make President Obama blink.
After all, Obama wants to extend unemployment benefits and that's like threatening Texans with nucular weapons or something.
Fine.
I say call his fracking bluff.
Well, golly! It's great having you in the neighborhood, neighbor. It's like you are a whole other country. :)
To Do List When Dealing with Secessionists With Perfect Hair
I am half tempted to list a lot of snarky things to do concerning depriving Governor Perry of his connection to fine hair care, including phone, internet and Twitter access to former Governor Blago...
...then I recalled that this is in truth a very serious matter, and we should treat it as such.
So, say Texas gets its secession on. What then?
- Obviously, Texas would not want United States government personnel and relocatable property on its now-sovereign soil. Done. They're gone, and it's gone.
- Of course, that might be worth a few line items starting with the numerous Army, Navy and Air Force bases in the now-Lone Star Republic.
- We would of course be taking the complete contents of the arsenals and inventory and any useful gear at Fort Hood, among other bases, and destroying and demolishing what remains. After all, we would not want to leave any mess behind. You don't want foreign bases in the heart of your new country, of course.
- Needless to say, the Border Patrol and the fencing along the Mexican border would be taken down, as well. We would be needing them both for fencing the new foreign frontiers with our new neighbor to the south.
- U.S customs would of course peacefully hand over the various international ports, air and sea, in Texas. But, until the situation was normalized between Americans and Texans, there is going to be a backlog in applications for visas and border passes.
- That would of course include permits to trade. As we are a signatory to NAFTA, Texas would have to sign on.. and you know those trade treaty negotiations. Heh. Those things can just go on and on.
- Regrettably the Gulf of Mexico littoral past a few miles is Federal territory. And the leases to extract oil and natural gas are property of the American people. We will continue to honor the leases for corporations under United States charter. Companies under Texas charter will have to apply for new leases. Regrets, but due to the rush to drill baby drill the last year of the Bush administration, looks like we are fresh out of new tracts on the Gulf of Mexico seabed.
- Oh, naturally duties normally undertaken by DHS, DEA and Coast Guard, among other organizations to maintain U.S. borders and security, would be handed off to the appropriate organizations in Texas. When will these counterparts be available for discussions? Until then, sorry. Our brief under U.S. law is to protect the U.S. Congress and the American taxpayer. They're funny like that.
- Oh, I'm sorry. It seems we are going to have to take those nuclear weapons after all.
- Ditto the NASA and other space operations infrastructure.
- Regrets, but all research and study grants to institutions, public or private, inside Texan territory will be reassigned. We really feel bad about that oppression. We did not know it bothered you so.
- We see you are switching to an all-toll highway system. So you won't be missing Federal block grants to support highway contruction and maintenance.
- I'm afraid we aren't going to be able to accept any immigration or deportation of persons from the now-independent Republic of Texas for a while, at least until we finish sorting out all the details.
- Also, due to post 9/11 national security considerations, we are not going to be able to accept air, land or waterborne traffic routed through the Lone Star Republic until your counterterrorism procedures have been established and vetted. You know how it is. There are bad people out there, it's a dangerous world. Everything changed after 9/11.
- We will understandably be advocating more assertively for the water rights of upstream states. You look to your country first, we look to ours.
- And naturally you will be wanting your own currency. We will have to insist that ours be returned or destroyed. Please design and print your own, or use someone else's.
- Oh, speaking of finance - all those many safeguards protecting bank accounts, investment funds, etc? We are going to have to ask Texas to back those up for Texas citizens.
- No offense, but until you formalize some sort of defense treaty with us, and join all the right clubs in the community of civilized countries, we are going to take a very critical view of Texas having any functional nuclear power plants or ballistic rocket programs. I mean, you got plenty of oil and natural gas. There is no legitimate peaceful reason for you to be playing with nuculars and rockets.
Well, I am sure there are more topics to discuss, but that's plenty for now. Oh, except one.
- Rick you are a dick. Shut the frack up. You are so going nowhere. You aren't nearly popular enough in Texas to pull this off and if you tried, you and only you would have a civil war on your hands and you'd be crying to us to save you.
Ya'll come back sometime....