Skip to main content

pirate, death star

In an emergency meeting of the Senate Armed Services Committee, Pentagon officials said they urgently needed a space-based death star to fight the emerging pirate threat.

"With a spheroid battleship about half the size of Earth's moon, we should be able to contain the pirate threat for three to five years," said Gen. Dennis Tully.

"However, we must act with maximum haste," he added. "Right now, the pirates are using small speed boats, but if we wait until the acquire cabin-cruiser technology, there's no telling what kind of devastation they will leave in their wake--and I mean wake literally."

"Even with their current speed boat fleet, if they coupled that with water skiing suicide bombers, they could ski right into the side of a ship or go off a jump and engage aircraft. The pirates would literally be able to blackmail the entire world."

The general went on to say that while nuclear submarines, aircraft carriers, and stealth bombers have been adequate to fight terrorists, they are not enough for the new pirate threat.

"Al Qaeda is a formidable threat, but they don't have their own ride. Hell, they had to hijack planes to do 9/11," Tully said. "These pirates have their OWN boats--really, really fast boats, like maybe 35 knots. We don't have anything like that."

The general added that with some modifications, the death star could be used to fight rabid dogs or a re-emergence of Neanderthals with their precision-flaked cutting tools.

Gen. Tully said the projected cost would be half a trillion dollars spread over three years.

When Democrats questioned the need for the death star, their republican colleagues were quick to point out their lack of patriotism and concern for their country's safety.

"They would like the see the pirates swing in on their ropes with their poofy shirts and rape and pillage at will," said GOP senator James Inhofe of Oklahoma, whose state would manufacture all the toilets for the death star.

He was joined in his criticism by erstwhile Democrat Joe Lieberman. "I cannot tell you how pained I am that my sometimes party does not see the clear and present danger posed to our country by illiterate pirates in speed boats halfway around the world." Lieberman's state of Connecticut is home to the Electric Boat Company whose expertise making submarines will be invaluable to them as the prime contractor on the death star.

All concerns about the cost and practicality of the project were swept aside though, when Tully suggested an alternative solution: stop selling American speed boats, outboards, and gasoline to pirates, something all the senators agreed was too extreme.

Originally posted to Professor Smartass on Sat Apr 18, 2009 at 11:13 PM PDT.

Poll

Do we need a space-based death star to fight the pirate threat?

16%34 votes
11%24 votes
71%145 votes

| 203 votes | Vote | Results

EMAIL TO A FRIEND X
Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags

?

More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site