I can't bring myself to say this word out loud to anyone I love yet. It's like I feel if I say it out loud it makes it real. Up till now it's just been this scary word. A concept really, that applies to other people.
I know.......it sounds crazy that I can write about it here with perfect strangers to pick apart and criticize but can't bring myself to talk to people that care about me. For some reason it's easier so I am go to use this diary as a cathartic.
You've problably guessed it already. The word I'm afraid to utter out loud is cancer. Today I was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer.
My journey to this diagnosis began about a year ago. I was just hired at a new company and decided to take my insurance out for a spin by going to see the most prominent ENT doctor in Southern California. I have had a paralyzed vocal chord since 2002. I was hoping he could offer me a more permanent solution for my vocal chords. My voice quality had gotten so poor that I am rarely able to speak above a whisper. My job requires I give frequent presentations and you never really know how much you use your voice until it's gone. The doctor was impressive and confident he could fix my voice but first he wanted to order a few tests.
This is where the story gets sticky. The insurance company wouldn't approve the ultrasound he ordered of my neck. About that time a person at my work was let go. She was sick and had been out of work. Since she hadn't been there for a year she wasn't covered by federal FMLA. This is the law that says an employer can't fire you if you need to take time off for medical reasons. I put two and two together and decided I couldn't afford to lose my job. It looked like the insurance company was going to continue to jerk me around on covering the tests I'd need to have surgery so I decided to wait until I was employed for a year. At least then I wouldn't have to worry about losing my job.
Fast forward to this year. I was determined to get the surgery on my voice. Now I had no choice I had to do something. Speaking is a large part of what I do everyday. I went back to the specialist, he ordered his tests, the insurance company is still dancing around covering them. Then he says something that brings me up short. He says that they found something "interesting" in one of the tests they did last year and need to retest me. That's how he put it...."interesting"............. So I go in for a CT scan, MRI, MRA and FNA of my thyroid.
The last time I had spoken to the doctor he had scheduled me for my voice surgery. Something about that "interesting" test result had me calling him to get the results of the tests. Now let me explain that I had not done so the year before because I had assumed if my test came back with results that were really bad the doctor would have to call me. In hindsight I know this was a mistake. You should always get the results of your tests. Even if you feel pushy doing it. Be pushy....
This morning I got to the doctors office after being stuck in traffic for an hour and a half feeling angry from the residual road rage and stupid I had wasted my time and thirty dollars in co-pays and parking fees just to hear the doctor say nothing was wrong with me. I sit there waiting and finally the doctor comes in. He asks me why I'm there? Do I have questions about the surgery? I'm confused and disappointed. He hadn't even bothered to look at my test results. I tell him that I had called for my test results and was told I had to come in for them. Ahhh that seemed to jog his memory so he looks through my file and quick as a flash he told me they will not be doing the surgery on my voice because the test results show I have thyroid cancer and I will need to have surgery to have my thyroid taken out as soon as possible. Do I have any questions? I sit there in shock for a second. I couldn't think of any questions. He just said the "C" word we are all afraid to hear.
So here I am. It's midnight and I'm telling this story to you because I'm too afraid to explain it to my family. Afraid to make it real.