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GOP Accuses President of ‘Twisted Health Care Stunt’

Republican lawmakers and prominent conservative media figures slammed President Obama today, accusing him of carrying the swine flu virus back from his recent trip to Mexico and using the ensuing potential health pandemic as a political tool to scare the American public into supporting his health care plan. While most stopped short of accusing him of intentionally contracting the potentially fatal illness, they nonetheless lambasted the President, characterizing the Administration’s swift, authoritative, and comprehensive response to the potential crisis as "a twisted political stunt".

Rush Limbaugh, the ironically porcine and heavily medicated conservative radio pundit and neo-Nazi icon, instructed his radio audience as well as the rest of the GOP, "Don’t let him get away with it!

If everybody within the sound of my voice covered their mouths and noses with a white cloth - no, better yet, protect yourselves - dress entirely in white sheets, that’s it - white sheets, and take to the streets in a massive grass roots demonstration to let these infected D.C. liberals know that your children will only die socialist over your dead, influenza-ravaged corpse. Vaccines and flu shots belong to the majority of Americans with health insurance — after all, this is a democracy.   And don’t forget to bring tea. My mom always said with honey and lemon — it’ll suppress the cough enough to let those commie fascists hear your righteous outrage!"

Elsewhere, reaction from the ‘loyal opposition’ was more muted, if not less severe.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney, relaxing during a brief respite from his ‘Spread a Little Sunshine’ interview tour, said he doesn’t believe the President would intentionally infect the American population with a potentially deadly virus, "... a fact which only makes us appear weak in the eyes of our enemies and threatens the safety of every American," the Cree-P VP told reporters, adding, "and if he had allowed waterboarding to continue, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed would probably have already confessed to masterminding an al Qaeda flu-plot and this whole situation may have been averted."

Alabama Congressman Spencer Bachus blasted what he called a socialist plot to force universal health coverage down the already sore throats of frightened, flu-ridden voters, adding that he has compiled a list of seventeen members of the House of Representatives who have secretly received flu-shots since the President’s meeting with Mexican President Calderon.

Senator Susan Collins (R-ME) who under the tutelage of Karl Rove led the GOP’s successful fight to remove $870 million for ‘pandemic prevention’ from the Economic Stimulus Bill defended her position, saying only, "If I’d known ‘Typhoid Barry’ was going to travel to so many potentially infected areas outside of Washington, maybe I’d have done things differently, but nobody could have foreseen a major flu outbreak."

House Minority Leader John Boehner issued only a brief statement through his office, which read: "It’s all Pelosi’s fault."

In other news:

White House military office director Louis Caldera apologized to New York City residents who were understandably disturbed when one of the 747s used by the President flew alarmingly low over the Statue of Liberty and the lower Manhattan area devastated by the 9/11 attacks for approximately 30 minutes this morning, in what was apparently nothing more than an Air Force photo-op.

"I apologize and take responsibility for any distress that flight caused," he said, adding, "Normally we’d just use computer simulation, but our video game guy was off today."

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, who initially expressed outrage over the flight, accepted the White House apology, telling reporters, "There’s a lot more political mileage in this flu-scare thing."


Originally posted to real satire on Mon Apr 27, 2009 at 07:32 PM PDT.

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