I was at Lowe's yesterday, looking for some basil and tomato plants. I found an empty tray with a label that interested me and wanted to find out if they would have more in the back somewhere so I went looking for an unoccupied employee. Most were busy helping customers, except for one young black man who was just standing near the entry at some plant shelves.
(Six Hours Later Update: Thank you all for your thoughful responses.)
I found myself thinking that he wouldn't know anything about the plants or store inventory - ie: he would be stupid. Somewhat shocked at myself, I strode over to ask him my question. He seemed slightly startled - and I wondered if maybe he doesn't get approached much by the white customers, which would be the overwhelming majority where I live - and pleased and ready to help. He was really nice and knew the answer to my questions.
I am appalled at my internal racism: Because his skin was darker than mine, I had a knee-jerk reaction of distain, dismissal, distrust, condescension.
I've been aware, before, that I have an almost subliminal discomfort around scary brown men. I am sure they are ready to be up to no-good. If I see black guys when I'm leaving my car I lock it, even in places where I might otherwise be inclined to leave it unlocked, because I feel afraid that they will break into it while I am gone. When I walk past black men on the street, I can feel myself wanting to clutch my purse more securely.
My mothers mother was a bigoted white southerner, though she had enough tact(?) to not be directly insulting. I always thought that I had escaped any taint of racist bigotry that might have been handed down from her. But now I see that it is just more subtly hidden inside me.
I don't know what to do about this. Part of me wants to make amends by seeking out black folk and... I don't even know what. But that seems disingenuous, and just another knee-jerk reaction in the oposite direction.
I went to a school with a small percentage of black students. I work in an office of six other people – two of whom are black. Some of our regular customers are black. But I have never actually been friends with a black person and I wonder if I will be stuck with this weird, uncomfortable, victim of my own bigotry for the rest of my life.