Last Sunday sucked. It started with a 4 hour drive to my in-laws. At 82 and 85 years old they are in marriage counseling. Their counselor wanted to have a "family meeting" to discuss some issues with them and so my husband and his sister and I went to counseling. Bill and Nancy have been married for 60 plus years most of which my father-in-law has been absent. He is a yacht skipper and has been on many wonderful adventures on some fabulous boats. Some of these adventures were detrimental to his marriage in that it gave him the opportunity to stray from monogamy and on several occasions he walked that path. That was 40 years ago.
I have been married for 30 years and this has been the tenor of their relationship for longer than I've been around them. Nancy is an extremely angry, volatile and sometimes physical person. Bill drank to block her out. When Bill was gone to sea her children (my husband being the oldest and only son) bore the brunt of her rage. When Dad was home the shit hit the fan. Every time like clockwork, the insults, outrage and dishes would fly. Bill would stumble off to the boat to sleep and the next day everyone acted like nothing happened.
Nancy knew of his affairs and after each one they reconciled. She accepted him back into the marriage but has never healed any of the hurt or anger she feels. She verbally beats him up every day of his life and his kids are sick of it. He stopped drinking about 20 years ago and has made what appear to most people to be reasonable attempts to make her happy. It has become a preverbal pissing contest between them as to who has to be nice first. It has deteriorated into tit for tat for everything and none of it is good. Bill makes an attempt to do something nice and Nancy sees it as too little too late. He will never be able to make up for his indiscretions and she will never forgive him. Bill is now losing his hearing so communication between them is even more difficult.
My husband told his Mother last year that if she did not go to counseling that he was cutting off communication with her because it was affecting him physically and mentally to see his parents so locked in this cycle. He got his Dad to go to a counselor to help him cope with her anger issues and for one year we did not communicate with her unless it was an emergency health situation. She finally got the hint and is going to this counselor now.
During the 3 hour session there was an incident related that stuck with me. Nancy's complaint "the eggs always seem to get done while I'm in the potty". This certainly is not the most pressing problem they have but it illustrates how little regard they have for each other. Bill does most of the cooking. One morning he was fixing eggs. Nancy goes into the bathroom. The eggs are done. How does that turn into World War III? I suggested to Nancy that if someone is kind enough to cook you breakfast you might want to check with them as to the timing. If you need to use the pot have him hold the eggs for 5 minutes. I suggested to Bill when you are ready to put the eggs on you let her know so if she needs to use the pot you can time the eggs accordingly. Seems to me that would be common courtesy between strangers let alone someone who has been married for 60 years.
The point of this diary is not to air my family's dirty laundry although I welcome any thoughts, suggestions or comments about it. I see striking similarities in the dialog of this country. Right vs Left, Liberals are better than Conservatives and lots of name calling and ridicule from both sides.
I certainly understand the need to vent. Without some of my close friends to lean on the issues in my family would be more difficult to digest and understand. I understand the need for that. But at some point we need to say OK enough name calling, stop shouting, and try to find a way to tone down the rhetoric.
This country is in deep trouble, financially, economically, physically from global warming to terrorism. We need to keep reaching out to the other side. We need to do it over and over again until they finally realize that we are serious about it. This knee jerk reaction is a learned behavior. It will take more than one or two olive branches being extended before someone from the other side grabs on and takes a first step. We saw a glimmer of it with three Senators who bucked their party (for whatever reason)to the betterment of this country. If we are indeed the party of inclusion we can certainly stand up and take a few rejections in the name of healing this country.
I have hope that my family will see progress in Bill and Nancy's relationship. They have taken the first steps and are committed to the process. I hope I can say the same for our country someday.