A pack a day. That is what how many cigarettes I smoke a day. I know its not good for me, and yet my body craves them at every turn.
I started smoking when I was in the United States Air Force. It started out as one or two in the morning, just to get me going. I had to wake up early, usually, so it was an easy thing to roll out of bed and light up. Cigarettes gave me the energy I needed to get through the day, and I thought it was convienient enough. Its not like I ever thought I would end up addicted to them. I was 17 years old, and I had never been addicted to anything in my life. I thought that I could handle them, because I had handled so much already, so I kept smoking. I was never aware that slowly they were eating into my life and consuming my every thought.
Although I knew how unhealthy it was, I kept going. I kept smoking cigarettes, and smoking them more often. I always thought that quitting would be something I could do in the future, sometime else, somewhere else. I just wasn't ready to quit, because of my stress, or because I was too busy to quit. They were always there to make me feel better when no one else was around. I could always count on cigarettes to make me feel better when I was depressed, or as a stress reliever when I was having a bad time at work. They were always there for me in my time of need.
That is how they lure you into their addictive and deadly trap. Cigarettes are there for you, plain and simple. They never go away, even when everyone else abandons you. At first, they start out as a coping mechanism, a way to keep control on your universe, but after that, smoking cigarettes turns into something horrible. At first, barely, you notice you can no longer walk upstairs without breathing heavily. Then, you notice your lungs feel a little more haggard than normal. Then, you start coughing up green slime from your lungs, and it is at this point I decided enough was enough. It is time for me to quit.
Cigarettes are horribly addictive. They are. Don't believe anyone who says they are not. Once you start smoking, you never stop thinking about them. My first thought, inevitably, every morning is "Jesus Christ I need a smoke", and at the end of the day it is the same thing. I needed cigarettes because if I don't smoke them I feel horrible. So is it me who has a hold on my addiction, or is it my addiction who has a hold over me. I always thought that I could control my addiction, that I could somehow give it up without even breaking a sweat, but the first time I tried quitting taught me that it was going to be more of an uphill struggle than that.
This is my second attempt to quit smoking. I know it is going to be tough, and I am going to be tested. I know that I must deal with the underlying emotions of my addiction, and I also know that I will live with this addiction all of my life, but posting this diary, and subsequent diaries, may help me hold myself accountable. I know this isn't about politics, but I also know that this community will help me get over my addiction, as will my fiancee Elizabeth. Thank you all for listening to me vent. In the time it took to write this diary I could have lit up a couple of cigarettes and smoked them.