That disease is depression
I need help.
In 1996 my father shot himself.
My father was abused viciously by his step father when he was young. Later in life, after he served with the Navy during Vietnam, he married my mother and started a family in upstate NY. He joined the carpenters union as an apprentice and began a family, of which I am the oldest, along with a brother 2 years younger and a sister who is Ten years younger than I am.
My mother is an alcoholic. She was verbally abusive to my father for years. During the early 90's my father ran out of work with the union, and my mother began cheating on him. My father moved out, and went to live with his mother and step father. Then, on Valentines day, he came home and shot himself. He was 42 years old.
I was 16. My brother was 14. My sister was 6.
I am not suicidal. I never will be, having seen firsthand the pain it causes to those we love most. This never has been and never will be an option for me.
I need help, and I have no idea where to go.
After reading the diary posted by gchaucer2 and seeing the amazing response this community made, I thought I would summon up the courage to ask for help. I need professional mental help, and I do not have a penny to my name. Where do I go?
I was sharing an apartment in NYC with my best friend, but he lost his job in Oct. Then we lost the apt. Then I moved in with my brother. Then I lost my job.
I tried looking for work. I have no degree. I was managing restaurants and retail locations and just barely getting by before all this. I am the working poor, just getting by while not really going anywhere. That was before all this. Now I do not know where to go.
Depression is eating me alive. I sleep in during the day and stay up until the early hours of the morning. I beat myself up. I have no friends left. I have bitten off all of my fingernails. I have no love in my life. I am tired of being alone. I always feel uncomfortable, out of place and ugly. I am tired of living like this. I am not in the black hole, I have become the black hole, and I do not want to draw anybody else in to my own misfortune, but I can not stay here any longer, I can not stay here any longer.
I want to love, to love and to be loved. I want to have a loving family. I want to have a wife someday, and kids. I want to be happy. Most of all I want the pain to stop.
I was staying with my sister (who is emotionally even worse off than I am, I suspect she is manic/depressive or bi-polar) last week, but we got into an argument and she had me placed under arrest, to which I was falsely accused. I plead not guilty and upon my release I went back to NYC to stay with my brother. I went on a few job interviews, but to no avail. Today I had a blowout argument with my brother and can no longer stay with him
This is all of my own making. My poverty, my lonliness, my sorry state of affairs is all of my own making. That I can not deny.
Since my fathers death I have found solace in books. Reading and writing are some of the few things that gives me real joy. I have read enough books to fill a library. I have written books of poetry and short stories. I even wrote a novel. Lately I have been writing diaries here everyday. This is my escape. And it is not helping. I can no longer escape. I have nowhere
Aside from a few words never read and quickly forgotten I have nothing, nothing to my name.
I do not know who else to turn to. I am going to stay with my mother for a while. She has been sober for 6 years now (thanks to AA), but she had a massive stroke 2 years ago, and I do not wish to be a burden to her. The odds of finding a job without a car is next to nil, but at least I will not be a burden to my brother, who can not afford to help me get back on my feet financially, and is in no position to give me the help I need emotionally.
I am almost 30 years old. I have nothing and nowhere to go.
I need professional help. I need to heal these open wounds that have been ignored for far too long, but I do not know how, and I do not know where to go.
Despairing
All I have is hope
Someone someone please
My words remain dead silent
I hope someone's listening
It feels just like I'm drowning
Water people everywhere
No one can see or hear me
And I'm running out of air
Imagine just one planet
With no moons no stars no sun
Cold lifeless and barren
Nowhere light can come in from
Hideous a monster
Shouldn't come out of his cave
All that his heart should feel
Is the cold steel of a blade
From the bottom of the pool
I see people in the sun
Watered down romantic fool
Can not remember where I'm from
Deep within cold water
All that I had was hope
It escaped when the light left me
Now all that's left to do is choke
There still is a slim chance
Someone someone save me please
All I've ever had was no one
I hope someone's listening
I would ask of you, dear reader, just one thing. Pick up the phone and call someone near to you in this life, someone you love that you have not spoken to in a while, and tell them that you love them.
UPDATE: Thanks everybody, you do not know how much this really helped me to put everything into perspective.
After taking a shower and shaving up a bit (I must have Yeti somewhere in my blood) I feel much better.
I will certainly be making some phone calls tonight to inquire about what sort of help is available.
To those who have inquired, I am not much of a drinker, but I do smoke too much (tobacco/weed) and should cut back a bit.
I understand that I have a history with depression. I just read on-line that depression is less common in men, but often harder to diagnose, because men often do not share those feelings. ( I admit it, I am a sensitive man. What'cha gonna do? )
I posted this without reading the comments, and then I asked my brother to read it. My over-use of DKos was one of the focal points of our arguments. I am a writer by nature, my brother is not. He does not understand what a need it is to write. If you have ever seen the movie Quills or if you are a writer yourself I am sure you know what that means.
After reading some of your comments, I think he has a better understanding of my need to write, as well as a lot more respect for this community.
I would just like to say how grateful I am to be a part of such an amazing community. I would also like to thank each and every commenter for their sagacious advice and emotional support. I will try to reply to as many comments as I can later on, and I will be glad to dole out lots of mojo to all along the way.
Thank you for being there when I needed it. Hopefully I will be able to return the favor some day.