Thursday, May 22nd, 2009
Yesterday morning, Richard "Euphemism For Penis" Cheney showed up at the American Enterprise Institute to give an speech to explain in detail - but without bitterness, jealousy, or any sense of rejection - why your new, ugly, stupid girlfriend sucks so fucking hard.
Look, first, Mr. Cheney wants you to know that he doesn't think there's ANYTHING uncool about an ex-lover showing up at all your friend's houses day after day after to day to tell them how your new "whatever" is, like, a total bitch, and has a total disgusting "muffin top" that makes him "want to stick his finger down his throat and yurk the Nile."
He's doing it because he's the only one who REALLY LOVES you and wants what's best for you and not because - as SOME are saying - he's, like, trying to avoid the fact that he went and blew all your friends and spent all your money and drove your father's car into the front of a T.G.I. Friday and cost you your job when he got totally trashed and passed out, naked, in the display window of the Gap.
Yes, he did those things, but he ONLY did them BECAUSE he KNEW that those weren't your REAL friends anyway and that car was, like, not cool enough for someone like YOU to be seen in, and, please, you, like, SOOOO really didn't need that job anyway.
THAT'S why he's still making you the mix tapes and THAT'S why he's sitting outside your house in his car and THAT'S why he slashed up your new girlfriend's pictures with a box-cutter and, most importantly, THAT'S WHY HE STOOD IN THE RAIN PLAYING "IN YOUR EYES" BY PETER GABRIEL ON HIS BOOM BOX!
Not because he's stalking you... but because YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE NOW!
See, you were so much better off BEFORE and you didn't know it and now once you figure it out IT'LL BE TOO LATE BECAUSE YOU'RE STUCK WITH THIS LOOOSER WHO WANTS YOU TO GO BACK TO THAT SHITTY JOB AND MONEY IS FOR STUCK-UP PEOPLE ANYWAY AND WHY WOULD YOU WANT THOSE FRIENDS OR THAT CAR AND, BESIDES, RICHARD CHENEY HAS FOUND SOMEONE SO MUCH FUCKING HOTTER AND SMARTER AND COOLER AND, LIKE, HIS NEW BOYFRIEND IS... A JUNIOR IN COLLEGE!
(h/t to snud for the title reference)
(also, in case you digg)