Emotions one should not feel in the early days of one's marriage:
fear. dread. fury. desolation. disillusionment. bereavement. discrimination. manipulation.
And yet, since our marriage in California last September, that's what we've experienced. We celebrated -- with a shadow over our heads. Unlike most honeymooners, we spent time discussing whether or not our marriage would be legal much longer. Unlike most newlyweds, our wedding costs included donations we couldn't afford to organizations we hoped could help us stay legally married.
Regardless of today's Prop 8 verdict, in this sense, we were robbed.
For eight months now, we've been in purgatory. Today at 10:00 PDT, we exit purgatory, but to what? No one knows.
I wondered about twelve hours ago if it was the last night of my first marriage.
My husband and I have vacillated between feelings this weekend. For several hours, I could barely move...I was simply paralyzed with fury. He couldn't sit still -- kept moving, doing things, just to avoid thinking. He called a woman who is a mother figure to us (since both of our families are unwelcoming), and while she mommied, I cried. We pondered escapism..."How soon can we move to Canada, again?"
At one point, we held one another, wondering through tears, "When will they just leave us alone?"
This morning, we are fearful, hopeful, angry, distracted, worried. Most of all, we are tired.
We are tired of being robbed of the joys of marriage by hypocritical bigots who claim to protect that very institution.
From today forward, we can at least finally put this behind us. We can finally face the world -- and one another -- without Proposition 8 in the conversation.
"What will we ever talk about without Prop 8?" I asked my husband this morning.
"Everything," he responded. And he's right. We'll finally be able to put all that energy that the bigots have been busy trying to drain from us into building our marriage and ourselves. If nothing else, regardless of the verdict, I look forward to taking some of that energy and reinvesting in US instead of expending it fighting THEM.
In the short term, the bigots have succeeded to an extent -- they have robbed us of some of the joy of the early days of marriage. I have never known such stress. They have succeeded in causing the world to question the value of our love and of us as people. They have succeeded in harrassing thousands of people -- and in reminding the world just how hateful they are.
But they cannot take US away from each other, and they have assured that we are far more committed to one another than they are to hating us. We value our marriage, indeed the institution itself, more than they do.
My husband and I shared a beautiful sunrise this morning. The sun will rise on us many days more; today it begins to set on hate. Regardless of today's verdict, we will eventually win. Hate always loses.
UPDATE: PROPOSITION 8 UPHELD 6-1. THE 18,000 WILL STAND.
Well, we're still married. All people are protected equally under the law in California...except for those nasty gays.
UPDATE II: Greeeeeeat. They've relied on Starr's argument using Bowens V. Superior Court in stating that, gee, if we can take rights away from convicted criminals, it's TOTALLY okay to take rights away from the gays! That is one FUCKED UP piece of logic. See p. 35 of the decision.