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Sarah Palin's pastor has figured me out!

Drats, you Wasilla Baptists! You've uncovered my grand design! You've managed to figure it all out, to piece together the hidden clues, to remove me from behind my deceptive facade. I am undone! Yes, I, Spencer Windes, thirty-something underemployed web project manager, basset hound owner, ex-rugby player and resident of the Silver Lake section of Los Angeles am indeed the Prince of Darkness, the Lord of Flies, the Anti-Christ.

I have revealed myself, by kissing boys.

How did you know, Ron Hamman, of the Independent Baptist Church of Wasilla, Alaska? How, from your icy northern perch, ever smoke me out? You used the Bible, did you? I should have known! That collection of old Jewish folk tales has stymied me for so long! Yes, your biblical erudition and logic are unassailable:

But will the Antichrist be a homosexual? Having seen what the Bible says of sodomy, we have no further to look than the book of Daniel, chapter 11 to find our answer. It says, “Neither shall he [Antichrist] regard... the desire of women....” As I said at the onset, I am not the first to draw attention to this, but the verbiage is clear.

The verbiage is clear! Obviously, in my human form, as I prepare the way of destruction, I will choose to appear in the form of teh gay. Could it me more simple?

But consider this: The time is ripe for such a leader. Indeed, it should not be surprising that the one who is against everything Biblical and Christian should be a partaker of so great a sin; there is no greater way to reject the Creator than to reject your gender and his design for it. And at what other time have we seen such perversion come out of the closets onto our streets, threatening violence if we do not accept their ways?

Oh, you have revealed me. Last Friday night, when I was cuddling up with that cute French boy, all I can think of was how I was powerfully rejecting my Creator! There are of course those liars who would state that I was merely following the natural passions that this Creator had put in me, but you and I, we know the real truth, don't we Ron. It's all part of the plan to subvert God's original gender designs, and replace them with our own tasteful, better lit, slightly whimsical versions.

And the violent threats! We mustn't forget the violent threats! When I marched on Tuesday with my fellow Sodomites through the streets of Hollywood in opposition to Prop 8, all I heard seething through the crowd was the desire to bloodily kill, maim, and otherwise gently mock heterosexuals in their righteousness. We'll start with our parents, then our siblings, our straight family and friends, we'll tear them limb from limb! Be warned breeders! The gays are fabulously armed, and we're coming for you!

That is, unless my diabolical plot is stopped by the heroic actions of such enlightened beings as Ron Hamman. Pastor Ron has one trump card, one secret weapon in the fight against me. He has God on his side:

But remember that sodomy is the one sin that God left heaven and came to earth to destroy. Could it be that this will be the predominate sin on earth when Christ descends from the clouds to fight against the armies of wickedness? And will it be just a coincidence that the Antichrist will be the very first occupant of the lake of fire, tasting eternal death 1,000 years before even the devil himself?

You be the judge.

I tremble in my wickedness. With Ron's help, Jesus himself approaches, to throw me out of my one bedroom bungalow apartment and into that burning lake of fire. Oh, the flaming flames of flamers consumed!

Damn you, Pastor Ron! You've revealed it all! Every time a gay person falls in love, an angel weeps, a baby cries, and hell approaches ever closer.

Who would have known they knew so much about hell in Wasilla, Alaska?

Originally posted to LeftCoastBreakdown on Thu May 28, 2009 at 12:29 PM PDT.

Poll

The Anti-Christ is obviously:

6%5 votes
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15%12 votes
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63%51 votes

| 80 votes | Vote | Results

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