HOW TO GET ORANGE FEET!
June 2, 2009
- Get a new "boyfriend".
- Offer to go over to said boyfriend's house on his birthday, even though you've only been dating for 2 weeks.
- Don't have a car. Use the public transportation system (RTD) to get from Boulder to Denver.
- Walk out of the house to go to the bus stop. Lament the fact that it looks like rain, what with all that lightening on the horizon. Walk back inside for a moment to take your daughter's crappy, pink umbrella with you. The one that never works right.
- Wear brown socks and brown Danskos.
- Get to destination in one piece. Light drizzle only begins when you arrive at boyfriend's house.
- Remain virginal and chaste the entire night.
- Awake the next morning to find out the the prior evening's downpour has now turned into a monsoon.
- Make new boyfriend feel guilty and bad because he can't drive you home - you know he has to go to work, which is completely in the other direction.
- Arrive at the bus stop to wait. Wait wait wait. Stand in the hurricane for 20 minutes. Curse dating. Curse your daughter's crappy umbrella. Curse 50-degree whether in early June.
- Get on bus. Arrive at a Park'n'Ride. Go schizo when bus driver tells you that you're on the wrong bus.
- Get off bus. Wait wait wait. Stand in the hurricane for 30 more minutes. Curse busses. Curse men. Curse the fact that it's 6 fucking 30 in the fucking morning.
- Get on new bus. Curse new bus driver, who cannot make right turns (blocks intersections twice) and goes through stop two lights. Also, horn happy.
- Wonder if you will ever date again.
- Curse the dude who stops the bus and holds up the entire route because he has to take a leak. Curse men again.
- Inwardly groan when new bus driver starts hitting on you. Pretend not to hear him speaking.
- Swear that you will karate chop the next person who talks to you, maybe even call them a foul name, just so you can plead ignorance 2 years later.
- Get off bus at 8:15. Begin the 30 minute walk home. Gale force winds break umbrella. Promise to hunt down the folks who made this piece of shit.
- Start talking to yourself, out loud, with chattering teeth. Denounce men altogether and commit to playing for the other team again.
- Get home. Peel off clothes. Start slamming doors for no reason. Jump up and down like a lunatic. Begin to cry.
- Convince yourself you're coming down with pneumonia. Grit teeth when thinking of paying more medical bills, then smile when you realize you can just send the bills to new boyfriend.
- Stare in the mirror for a full minute, just to take in the red face and the fizzy hair.
- Notice something on your feet. Reach down to wipe if off. Notice that it does not come off. It's neon-orange, the color of Easter eggs.
- Take a washcloth to your feet. Still does not come off.
- Collapse into hysterical fits of laughter.
(h/t's to Muskegon Critic, whose format I totally stole, and to Oke, for listening to me bitch!)