"As the Republican Party has moved farther and farther to the right, I have found myself increasingly at odds with the Republican philosophy and more in line with the philosophy of the Democratic Party," Jesus of Nazareth said at a press conference earlier today.
Citing differences on key policy matters such as Torture, Labor Rights, Civil Rights, Gender equality and marriage equality, as well as His stances against war and for evolution and fighting climate change.
"I did not leave the Republican party today, they left me long, long ago. " Jesus was quoted as saying during his press conference.
Jesus insisted that He would remain independent, but indicated he would be willing to work with both Democrats and Republicans.
more on this monumental shift in the balance of power below the fold.
" I deeply regret that I will be disappointing many friends and supporters. I can understand their disappointment. I am also disappointed that so many in the Party I have worked for for more than four decades do not want me to be their candidate. It is very painful on both sides."
Jesus of Nazareth was widely but not openly criticized by Republicans throughout the last two election cycles. Often, "Jesus Christ!" was shouted in vain despite the fact that Jesus admits to having never endorsed any candidate during his entire 40 year political career.
Many felt that the rift began before the formation of the United States of America and the voyages of Christopher Coulmbus when Jesus of Nazareth was quoted as saying
" I tell you the truth, it is hard for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of God. "
Upon being denied access to the Kingdom of Heaven, Jerry Falwell has yet to comment.
When asked what made him decide to leave the Republican party, Jesus had this to say.
" A big part of this had to do with the Bush Administration lying about going to war in Iraq and then running a torture program. Not for nothing, but I was nailed to a cross. That kind of thing would normally give a guy a grudge, but I am all forgiving and stuff. Then again, just because I forgive you doesn't mean I have to put up with your shit.
I guess it all started right after Reagan got elected back in 1980. I started getting the feeling right away that I was being used, you know. It was like I was only invited to the party because they knew I was really popular. The Republicans didn't like me for me, they just liked me for the fact that I was popular. That really hurt.
Then I started looking at the kind of people who were on Reagan's side, and I have to say, I was not impressed. Did these guys forget who I used to hang out with? Did they forget that I was the first person ever to come out in favor of women's rights, or civil rights, or even labor rights? I mean, come on, my people were friggin slaves! You guess if I am for union rights. What do you think?
I started getting the feeling that these guys didn't even read my book. Or, if they did, they must have just played pick and chose which parts they liked and which parts they didn't. I don't really have a problem with that, because I don't like extremists or pharisees, I was always for a liberal interpretation of the Torah and the Old Testament, but come on? Where did these guys get this stuff from. They twisted my words so much, even I couldn't tell if I had said that or not. Talk about being dead wrong! I should know, after all, I did die once already. But to see my message twisted into justifying some of this stuff, I mean, wow! That's all I can really say. Wow! "
Upon the conclusion of his press conference, Rush Limbaugh said.
" We'll I'm glad he's gone, and he can take McCain and his daughter with him, and his little dog too! The Republican party does not need to embrace new ideas like women's rights or liberal spending program like feeding the poor. If Jesus heals everyone he will totally destroy America's health care system! "
RNC Chairman Michael Steele added,
" Today Jesus literally flipped the GOP the bird. "
Upon hearing Steele's comment, Jesus of Nazareth replied,
" Who is Michael Steele again? "
The GOP has recently planned interviews with the Church of Latter Day Saints, The Church of Scientology, and the Universal Temple of Lizard People in order to determine which will become the new official Republican party Religion