I have lurked here for a very long time and this is not what I envisioned for a first diary.
This diary is long and about grief over the loss of a pet. So if you don't
want to read stuff like that, skip this and forgive me but I need write this down and put it somewhere.
As I look into the backyard, I can see fireflies floating
above her grave. I'm devastated. I know my husband and
son are also heartbroken but they're men and I know
aren't supposed to cry very much about the loss of a pet.
I can't sleep because a storm is coming and thunder
terrified her and she always slept by the bed. The
thought of her out there during a storm is just SO hard
to deal with, even though I know she is gone and no
longer frightened. I still want to comfort
her. I long to be able to comfort her just one more time.
Why is it that we must always lose things before we
realize their true value? I thought I was more aware of
this than most people but the death of our 13 year old
border collie named CC has hit me so hard that I'm
reduced to a blubbering mess and everything is so off-kilter.
She wasn't even my dog. My son was 3 when we picked her out at the pound because she came over and starting chewing on my shoe laces. She was to be his dog and for the most part she was. She played with him and protected him and grew up with him. He is 16 now. She was such a sweet dog and she loved my son so much. He would get on the floor to play with her and she would act exactly like a cat. We thought she must have been a cat in a former life. She'd lay on her back with her toy between her front paws. It was so funny to watch them.
But it was my husband that she would go to when she was afraid of the thunder or any loud noise. She had to be in HIS lap if he was home and my lap was a poor substitute but would do in a pinch.
When she wanted to go outside or food, THAT was when she came to me. She never would make a sound but would come and just stare at me until I would get up and let her out or (as the years went on and my arthritis and fibromyalgia got worse), ask my son to do it. It would always be with a grumble whoever had to do it because she would wait until supper was ready, or just until I sat down for the start of a favorite show and come and stare. Just stare.
It was always me to whom she would come and stare at for "people" food too and if I resisted the stare, she would deftly throw in the move of just gently laying her head on my leg and put a little wistfulness in the stare. That worked every time.
She wasn't my dog. She was always underfoot because it was just me and her a lot of the time with my son at school and my husband at work. I would get so mad at her because she was constantly doing her "herding" thing with me to where I would almost trip over her because she would just stop. Lately I commiserated with her a lot because she had hip problems (like me) and would have trouble going up the two steps into the dining room occasionally (like me). I'd joke that it's just us two
old ladies bumbling around the house.
She wasn't my dog. She would be overjoyed when my husband or son would come home everyday. Especially my husband. He would throw the ball for her which she loved more than anything. Totally obsessive compulsive about that stupid ball. She'd bring it to me and I'd throw it once (or kick it if outside) but never far enough so she'd get it and then take it back to my husband.
She loved my husband so much. He was recovering from Stage IV bladder cancer when we adopted her and was still having to do chemo for awhile when she was a puppy. When he was sick, she would go and fret at the bathroom door until he came out and then go and lay in his lap or next to him. She always knew when one of was sick and would sometimes force open the bathroom door and barge in and would just be there as if she wanted to comfort or protect us.
She hated it when I cried or was anxious. I had a lot of those moments over the 13 years she was with us. About a month after we adopted her we had to declare bankruptcy because of medical bills and in October of that year, my mother was finally released from the hellish existence that
Alzheimer's had reduced her to. Even then as a puppy, CC would come and nuzzle me with that nose if I cried and I cried a LOT through some extremely difficult times through the years, including my father's death and the absolute Hell that came with that in 2005. She would always be there and it was always a "c'mon pet me" nuzzle but it always made me feel better.
CC died this evening after having what I think was a seizure. She'd had some seizures that were awful but she always came around and was OK and had been having them much less frequently. She hadn't had one in a long time. This one was like a lightning strike and she just fell over. I sat with her and petted her but I don't think she knew I was there like during the other ones. I felt her heart beating really fast and then she moved her mouth a couple of times and her heart slowly stopped. She'd made no sound but she was just gone. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe it. How can this entity that loves and is loved be here one moment and not the next?
I'm writing this ridiculously long post about something that many will view as trivial as a way to cope and because as I said at the beginning, I long to be able to comfort her again. The world seems SO scary and messed up right now. It seems to get worse everyday with the violence and hate and greed bubbling up to proportions that I have never witnessed. I know you've heard this before just as I have, and noted it, and then promptly forgotten it but hear it again.
PLEASE, love and comfort each other NOW. Don't take your life or ANY life for granted because it can all be gone so fast. If you can bring joy to someone, do so NOW. Don't wait. Don't be too busy or tired to give compassion and comfort anywhere and anyway you can. I know that I'm lucky that I still have my husband and I thought his brush with death and reading about the anguish of other peoples' losses had brought me new awareness but it's still so easy to become complacent and get wrapped up in the struggles of everyday that you forget how sweet a dog's devotion is and that Love in any form is a blessing that should be savored every moment.
I kept patting CC's head even though I knew she was gone because
I wanted so badly to let her know how much I loved her. I wanted to throw her ball for her over and over.
But it was too late. It is with her now along with her blanket.
The thunder is making my heart ache.