(Diarist's note: Satire.)
Party strategist: 'Only way to win'
WASHINGTON — A senior Republican strategist confirmed today in a call with The Associated Press that longtime moderate Republicans plan to ask President Barack Obama to not run for president in 2012 because, the strategist says, key party operatives believe that is "the only way the GOP can win in 2012."
"We've got nothing," complained the strategist, who talked on condition of anonymity. "Look at the big names in the Republican party right now. Rush Limbaugh? Bobby Jindal? Sarah [expletive] Palin? The only prayer we have electorally is for there to be no Democratic option. That's it."
"With only 25 percent of Americans self-identifying as Republicans, it's pretty clear that the only way for this party to win an election is for the only other options to be people like Ralph Nader and Pat Buchanan," the strategist said.
"And I'm not sure Buchanan wouldn't find a way to win, either."
It wasn't immediately clear which moderate Republicans, current or former officeholders, were being eyed as possible "surrender flag" bearers.
Once news of the strategist's comments were leaked to the press, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, R-Ky., and House Minority Leader John Boehner immediately put out statements denying those comments, saying, "Excluding 2008, Republicans have won or held the other party to under 50 percent of the popular vote in every election since 1980. The notion that Republicans cannot win elections is absolutely untrue.
"If anyone should be worried about winning the White House, it should be the Democrat Party, which has managed to re-elect a president just once since World War II."
The strategist maintained that recent discussions on party positioning came back to how to win the White House, describing the talks as "finally, unusually candid."
"There's a lot of bluster, a lot of talking points stuff in these meetings, a lot of coded stuff so we all get used to the wording we'll be using on TV," the strategist said. "And then out of the blue, this one woman strategist started shooting from the hip. She says, 'Look, the fact that we lost the election with a war hero when the other guy's middle name was Hussein says we've lost most of the electorate.'
"'I know (Republican National Committee Chairman) Michael (Steele) wanted us to stay away from the pointless attacks, but ... the other side won with a black guy who had no significant experience. No experience with military, and we're in two wars. No experience with the economy, and now he's running the auto industry and the banking industry. No experience with anything, and the people love him for it. ... If the people want this, our only hope for the future of the party is to ask him to not run again, to ask the party to consider taking this election off.'"
Aides at the White House and among Senate Democrats politely declined the request, saying, "While we appreciate how thoroughly we spanked Sen. McCain last year, this strategist's words should wake the party up to the fact that it's only going to get worse. The fastest-growing segment of this country is Latinos, and that's a group that hates Republicans. If the GOP wants to win an election, maybe it should try ... actually, we have no idea what would work that we're not doing. Maybe there's some wisdom in that."
White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said, "If those pigfuckers think we're going to lie the fuck down while they lie to the whole fucking country about how we're on the fucking verge of socialism, they're the dumbest fucking sons of bitches alive. Can't win an election? Boo fucking hoo, asshammers. Grow some fucking balls, run a good fucking candidate and maybe we won't smash your asses into fucking 2020. Biggest bunch of fucking pantywaists since I made that new congressman piss his pants in January."