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This is a personal diary about honoring thy father and mother. It's also very hard to write as my whole being is exhausted, especially my brain. This is also a medical diary.

On June 10th, I was awakened in the middle of night by a phone call. It was my mother. She was having severe back pains and was on her way by ambulance to the hospital. Up till this date, my mother lived alone and I lived nearby. After June 10th, my whole life fell apart.
I thought my mother had simply thrown her back out. We all have done that probably at least once. I doted over her for a few days and went back to work. When I came to see her the following Saturday, she had barely gotten around to doing anything, other than using the bathroom and pick at some muffins I had left her. I was shaken to the core.
After that, I began staying with her every day, leaving 2 times a day to feed my cat and let her out for the night. 20 minutes up, 20 minutes back, day in, day out. The rest of the time has been cooking, cleaning, and taking my mother to various appointments,  not to mention a follow up ER visit to get her pain medicine increased. At least by that time, they had a pretty good idea what was wrong - brittle bones caused my multiple myeloma, a rare blood cancer.
My mother had always told me she didn't want to do chemotherapy, especially after seeing my father's reaction to it when he wanted to extend his life. But she changed her mind. Wednesday the 25th, I took her to the hospital for her first treatment. When the nurse asked her who her primary caregiver was, she pointed at me, and I fell to pieces. It's been nothing less than an emotional shock going from a senior who lived on her own to a person who needs full time care in a matter of days. But it doesn't compare to the pain of seeing your mother as a frail creature, needing to go into a facility, one she will probably never return from. I can't express in words how much this is hurting me, nor tell you how much I have cried in the last 2 days.
I find myself now carefully going through paperwork, having to find homes for 2 cats who I will most likely have to surrender and then their fate will probably be sealed. But what hurts me the most is being alone in an empty house, one that feels more like a burden than a blessing, one that has completely lost its feeling of home, without my Mum here to make it one.

Originally posted to Captain Janeway on Thu Jun 25, 2009 at 05:45 PM PDT.

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