We lost our lease!
We have a truckload of IOUs to redeem!
You know what that means for you? Yes! Our
absolutely best sale ever!
We guarantee you: You’ve never seen a sale like this, and you’ll never see another again! Virtually everything on sale is a one-of-a-kind item, now at 50 to 85% off. Take a look at just a few of the treasures that Arnold says Simply Must Go, and Go Now:
417 tons of marijuana
This stash is what’s left of 612 tons that we think was grown hydroponically in Inyo County in 2007. Though we can’t confirm its vintage, we do have notarized testimonials from 24 law enforcement officials and judges raving about its quality. Our loss is your gain!
Have your own tax Proposition automatically become law!
No petitions! No waiting! A recent Superior Court opinion has vested in famed judge Simon Cowell the right to approve immediately the first paid Proposition that, in Cowell’s sole estimation, will provide significant revenue for the State of California. The more targeted your proposal is, the better the chance of acceptance. But act quickly, before the State Supreme Court overrules!
Sixteen vestal virgins
We kid, we kid. But in exchange for funding their Athletic Department, the cheerleaders of the University of Southern California will perform at the party of your choice. The party must take place after the squad returns from their upcoming coastal trip, and before the beginning of football season.
The California Highway Patrol Personal Posse Package
Own the breakdown lane! Wherever you’re going, get there fast with your personal CHiPS escort. You’ll have at your disposal a six-motorcycle motorcade, and if that’s not fast enough, two waiting helicopters. How many parties can you crash in one night? Find out by buying this special CHiPS package!
City of Whittier
Want to wildcat your way to prosperity? The City of Whittier features hundreds of functioning oil wells, some right in easy-to-reach neighborhoods, with more coming on line every day. No Richard M Nixon-related sites included in this special offer.
Holy City
Virtually a ghost town, Holy City was once home to William Riker, his cult "The Perfect Christian Divine Way," and his radio station, KFQU (say it slowly!). We’re offering it at a special low price, and if you act quickly, we just might toss in all of Santa Clara County. What are you waiting for?
The Oregon Border
Want to build a fence to keep people out, and keep Mother Nature in? Now’s your chance! We’re offering a forty-yard wide swath of the Oregon border for an unheard-of price. Though you won’t be able to stop people from leaving California, your personal fiefdom will control all access points on the northern frontier. Sorry, the Mexican border is not currently available, but watch our webpage for other border offers.
Estate Tax Collector
Imagine: a celebrity dies, whose estate is worth, say, several hundred million dollars. What do you suppose the haul is for the State of California? Now imagine you can buy the right to the State’s share for pennies on the dollar. What a steal! Well, the opportunity is now! Act quickly!
Don’t see what you’re looking for? Keep checking back on our web site, www.ca.gov/ahnoldscloset/ for late-breaking offers!!!!