In the spirit of positivity - and fun, arbitrary list-making - I would like to present a list of "bests" and invite the same on any subject(s). Come, display your profound knowledge of...whatever...and indulge your snooty inner critic with nose pointed proudly toward the sky. Geek out, freak out, or reveal your inveterate hipsterism to the assembled legions. Squares, mediocrities, and sincere cliches are welcome too. Feel free to blaspheme, commit unforgivable sacrilege, or reaffirm cherished pieties to the delight of the faithful. Pics are encouraged, but reasonably sized - don't use the maximum dimensions unless there's a good reason. Now let's see how many pie fights I can pick in a single diary...
In no rational order, I present to you the Best...
POTUS (so far): Franklin Delano Roosevelt.
Runner-up: Abraham Lincoln
Notes: I think Barack Obama may be the tortoise to FDR's hare, as I already place him at #4.
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Cheese: Stilton blue.
Runner-up: Mozzarella.
Notes: The rumor that this cheese causes strange dreams is apparently true. After eating a significant quantity, I had a fevered, uncommonly fluid dream where I was some kind of High Medieval court functionary, dressed like the cards in the court of the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland. The court was held in a - wait for it - Rainforest Cafe at the mall. It was strange, but I didn't feel bad, so I heartily recommend you try this cheese.
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Sport (to play): Bowling.
Runner-up: Tennis.
Notes: I know the usual suspects will be popular - basketball, football, baseball - but I just don't like running. I like throwing and/or hitting things, and the ratio of throwing/hitting to running in the biggest sports is just insufficient for my tastes. I'm sure I'll like golf as soon as I try it.
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Sport (to watch): Hockey.
Runner-up: Motocross
Notes: The situation can change very rapidly in hockey, as the puck can literally go from one end of the rink to the other in two seconds. The same is true, to a lesser extent, in basketball, but the physics of hockey are more interesting because it involves sliding on ice. The players are thus limited in some ways, but augmented in others. Also, I love hockey's version of the "designated hitter rule" - i.e., they designate a player to beat the shit out of players on the other team who get out of line.
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Novel: Dune Messiah (Frank Herbert)
Runner-up: God Emperor of Dune (Frank Herbert)
Notes: Frank Herbert is a god. No matter what you've accomplished or will accomplish, your life will be tragically incomplete until you've read the Dune series. But avoid Brian Herbert's atrocious prequels and sequels to his father's series - they're utter garbage, practically tantamount to patricide.
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Make-out song: Beast of Burden (The Rolling Stones)
Runner-up: Pictures of You (The Cure)
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Video game: Megaman 2 (NES)
Runner-up: Megaman 3 (NES)
Notes: The music from these games is etched into the deepest fabric of my consciousness. There is something magical about them, which is ironic given their techno-dystopian theme.
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Type of pornography: Amateur lesbian.
Runner-up: Asian.
Notes:
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Gangster movie: Goodfellas
Runner-up: Casino
Notes: Awesome period soundtrack, slick clothes, bitchy hot chicks, and Joe Pesci killing everything in sight. Not as high an artistic achievement as The Godfather, but a much cooler and more realistic examination of the organized gangster lifestyle.
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Founding Father: Benjamin Franklin
Runner-up: Thomas Jefferson
Notes: Benny was a scientist, engineer, scholar, statesman, politician, diplomat, inventor, womanizer, and author. An Enlightenment / Renaissance man of the highest caliber, with many opinions that would seem right at home in today's society. One of my personal heroes.
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Foreign cuisine: Japanese
Runner-up: Thai
Notes: This might seem a strange choice for someone who doesn't like fish or seaweed, but I had the privilege of finding a little hole-in-the-wall Japanese place whose food was spectacular. I especially loved the tomago udon and vegetable tempura. They served it with a salad dressed in something smooth I didn't know, and never thought to ask about. The plum wine was delicious and rapidly intoxicating, even on a single glass. If you live in Berkeley, you've probably eaten there.
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Stripper song: Cherry Pie (Warrant)
Possibly NSFW: http://www.youtube.com/...
Runner-up: Pour Some Sugar On Me (Def Leppard)
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Planet: Saturn
Runner-up: Jupiter
Notes: Saturn is a world of abstract art. In the above image, we see its moon Mimas against the background of its rings. The entire system is awash in organic chemicals, and its moon Enceladus is apparently spewing them at a prodigious rate. Titan, of course, has an atmosphere thicker than Earth's, lakes of liquid methane on the surface, and there is at least a vague possibility that some form of very exotic life exists there.
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Cigarettes: Camel Lights
(No picture: Smoking is bad, m'kay.)
Runner-up: Parliaments
Notes: I only smoked for a year at age 15, but during that time I experimented with all the brands and settled on Camel Lights. They were smooth and yet not tasteless or weak like Marlboro Lights. Worst cigarettes: Basics. Winstons weren't much better.
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Bagel: New York-style blueberry
Runner-up: Asiago
Notes:
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Horror novel: It (Stephen King)
Runner-up: The Vampire Lestat (Anne Rice)
Notes: Don't be fooled by the TV movie adaptation, which sucked. The novel "It" is a profound, mythic, epic work of horrific art that hits all the right notes and never turns ridiculous (like King's other horror epic, "The Stand," sadly does).
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Rock band of the '90s: The Smashing Pumpkins
Runner-up: Red Hot Chili Peppers
Notes: Nirvana had the most dramatic impact, but they were more iconic than influential, and never had a chance to approach either Smashing Pumpkins or RHCP for sheer volume of genius-level work.
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Color: Azure
Runner-up: Indigo
Notes: Hypnotic, soothing, and deep.
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Star Trek episode (all series): The Inner Light (TNG)
Runner-up: The Best of Both Worlds
Notes: A probe from a dead civilization takes over Picard's mind, and creates memories of an entire lifetime lived in their culture in the span of a few minutes (which we only know at the end). It's utterly beautiful, and it spoke to me because as a kid I used to have dreams that were time-skewed (i.e., feel like I'd lived for years in a single night).
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Country other than the USA: Australia
Runner-up: Sweden
Notes: Never been outside the USA (not much money + terrified of flying), so I have to rely on abstract knowledge for this one. Australia is diverse, prosperous, educated, democratic, eco-conscious, and has provided the world with many high-quality film actors. Unless climate change makes it unlivable, I believe it is destined to be a world leader.
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Female vocal performance: Stevie Nicks, as part of Fleetwood Mac in "Rhiannon"
Runner-up: Cheryl Crow in "Leaving Las Vegas"
Notes: "Rhiannon" is the sexiest female vocal performance I have ever heard.
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Greek letter: Phi
Runner-up: Lambda
Notes: Fun to write, fun to say (as "fI" not "fee"), fascinating to see.
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Roman Emperor: Marcus Aurelius
Runner-up: Augustus
Notes: The archetypal philosopher-king, Marcus Aurelius probably would have restored the republic if Romans had still been capable of managing their own affairs. A paragon of pagan virtue and reason, but also tough and perceptive of human nature.
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Comedy Film: The Big Lebowski
Runner-up: Clerks
Notes: Well, that's like, your opinion, man.
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Castles (by nationality): German
Runner-up: Czech
Notes: The castles seen in storybooks and Disney films aren't based on French or English castles - those are mostly bleak, unpainted, grim stone bulwarks - but on German ones, with brightly painted facades, pointy-roofed turrets, checker patterns, heraldry, and other adornments.
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Beer: Newcastle Brown Ale
Runner-up: Guinness Draught (narrowly beats Guinness Stout)
Notes: My first impression of Newcastle Brown Ale was that it had a sweet, caramel or butterscotch undertone. It consistently provided the smoothest, happiest drunk - smooth getting there, smooth being there, and not much hangover - and for some reason made me more nostalgic than other beers. Although I can't drink alcohol anymore due to health issues and related medication, this beer will always be special.
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On-screen orgasm: Angela Bassett in "City of Hope" (1991)
Runner-up: Elisha Cuthbert in "The Girl Next Door" (2004)
Notes: I happened to find "City of Hope" about to play on HBO late at night when I was 14 years old, and noticed that it had a "Strong Sexual Content" warning. That warning only shows up when a movie is either nothing but sex, or when it involves a woman having a realistic orgasm, and I knew it wouldn't be the former because "City of Hope" was apparently a critically-acclaimed film with a decent cast. Had to wait like an hour before The Scene finally arrived, but it was worth it.
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Mathematician: Isaac Newton
Runner-up: Rene Descartes
Notes: Yes, I know that Newton shares credit for calculus with Leibniz, but he also pulled so many other mathematical and physical insights out of his ass that he deserves every iota of his status as an icon.
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Type of tree: Giant sequoia
Runner-up: Eucalyptus
Notes: I've walked through old-growth redwood forests, and these trees are more than trees. I felt like the whole place had a spirit, and that the instant I breathed in the air, I felt like a part of it. Never had the same sensation in other kinds of forests.
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Skyscraper: World Trade towers (New York)
Runner-up: John Hancock tower (Chicago)
Notes: I'm not saying this out of sentiment - I honestly found the World Trade Towers to have a simple, irreducible grandeur that was immensely strong without being bombastic. And somehow the fact that there were two of them made it perfect. Most other skyscrapers are either too bland or too intricate - very few manage to achieve that sense of grandeur that a skyscraper should evoke. It shouldn't look like a bigger version of every other building, but nor should it look like abstract art. We really should have rebuilt those towers, stronger and taller, not just treated the decision like a real estate plan.
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Foreign language: Japanese
Runner-up: Latin
Notes: Both spoken and written Japanese are very interesting. Especially (in writing) when katakana characters are used. I don't speak or read Japanese, but it sure does look and sound cool.
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Episode of Firefly: Jaynestown
Runner-up: Heart of Gold
Notes: This episode will live forever. May the Fox executives who decided to cancel Firefly burn in hell.
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On-screen boobs: Kate Winslet in "Titanic"
Runner-up: Patricia Arquette in "Lost Highway"
Notes: This is a tough one, as there are so many great breasts in films going all the way back to the mid-'60s (when Hollywood discarded its "film codes" in favor of ratings). But chubby redheads seem to have a genetic predisposition to awesome boobage.
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Rock band of the '80s: REO Speedwagon
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Nah, I'm just fucking with you. Guns 'N Roses:
Runner-up: Aerosmith
Notes: Aerosmith was a more prolific, established band even then, but GNR was lighting the world on fire. Until they were eclipsed by Nirvana in the '90s and Axl fucked everything up by pissing off Slash, they were the biggest thing to happen to rock since the Sex Pistols.
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Snack crackers: Goldfish (cheddar)
Runner-up: Cheez-Its.
Notes: I ate cheddar Goldfish by the bushel as a kid, and more recently had enjoyed them to a more moderate degree until I figured out that I was gluten intolerant. Now, I had liked Cheez-Its just as much, but the fact that Goldfish have substantially less fat and salt means you can eat a lot more of them. And the distinctive foil-lined hard bags they traditionally come in have always seemed more interesting than a box or a soft bag.
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Soda: Dr. Pepper
Runner-up: Cherry Pepsi
Notes: I can't drink caffeinated beverages anymore, but I used to love Dr. Pepper. Fondest memory: My middle school had had a soda machine that they only unlocked after school, which was great because PE was my last class of the day, so I would be hot and thirsty by the time I had to walk home. The Dr. Pepper I would buy and drink on the way home would go down like divine nectar, and fill me with energy.
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Horror movie: The Blair Witch Project
Runner-up: Rosemary's Baby
Notes: Some people thought BWP was dumb, but it scared the shit out of me - the one and only horror film to have that effect on me as an adult. Some horror films are unintentionally humorous; some are annoyingly cheap, unimaginative, and formulaic; others are cool and fascinating; but the Blair Witch Project actually scared me, and created such a feeling of dread that I couldn't even look at the screen in the final moments. And I'm the sort of guy who bursts out laughing at moments that normal people are cringing in terror.
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Movie shootout: Heat (1995)
Runner-up: The Wild Bunch
Notes: The shootouts in Heat and The Wild Bunch are equally good in their own ways, but The Wild Bunch is more operatic and choreographed, while the impression from Heat is very immediate, urgent, and visceral. The gunshots in Heat also sound like what I imagine they probably would in reality, including echoes, which added to the effect.
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Accent: Scottish
Runner-up: Brooklyn Italian
Notes: Ach, ah doon noo what yoouh tookin' aboot, ya crazy bahstahd. If anyone ever calls me a bastard, I really hope they're Scottish, because I just love hearing Scottish people say 'bastard.'
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Science fiction character: Leto II (Dune series)
Runner-up: R. Daneel Olivaw
Notes: Leto II is a genocidal, prescient tyrant over all the billions of worlds of mankind, locked in symbiosis with a sandworm that makes him effectively immortal (on the human scale). He has the memories of every single one of his ancestors, going back as far as memory goes, even into the dimmest fragments of animal experience. But he isn't a villain - he is the protagonist, who is deliberately trying to engineer his own overthrow so that humanity will learn how to escape the control of prescient beings.
Chips: Tato Skins (Cheddar & Bacon)
Runner-up: Kettle Chips (New York Cheddar & Herb)
Notes: I believe this brand name has been discontinued, but TGI Friday's sells essentially the same product as "Potato Skins" in its characteristic red-and-white striped bags.
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Unreadable work of literary genius: Titus Groan
Runner-up: War and Peace
Notes: Titus Groan is the first part in a trilogy of unreadable works about a grotesque, crumbling ancien regime European monarchy in an unnamed land. The titular character is just an infant, and the events described all surround the various characters of Castle Gormenghast. The author lovingly describes every last cobweb, and when his characters finally do speak, they speak in reflexive rhetoric. One will say something to another, and the other will respond like, "What did he just say to me? Did he say that the ritual had been postponed? No, no, he could not have said that to me, could he?" It's quite a feeling reading this book - one of suffocation, I would say, but still an experience worth having.
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Teacher: Mary Kay Letourneau
(ducks)
Hey, just kidding!
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Hacker film: Sneakers (1992)
Runner-up: War Games
Notes: While still an imaginative stretch, Sneakers differed from the genre "hacker" films that followed later in the '90s and afterward in that it had (a)believable characters, (b)plausible plot developments, (c)realistic technology, and (d)a point.
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Monty Python skit: Argument Clinic
Runner-up: Musical Mice
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Artistic irony: Ice-T playing a cop in "New Jack City" (1991)
Runner-up: Vanilla Ice playing a rapper in "Cooler as Ice" (1991)
Notes: This is how the universe works, people. Ice-T - author and performer of "Cop Killer" - plays cops on every show on TV, and Ice Cube - famously seen in one of his videos wearing a stocking over his head and firing an AK-47 - is now a staple of saccharine family films. I never really liked rap, once I got over the attraction of shock value, but you have to appreciate developments like this. It would be like if Kurt Cobain had survived and become a motivational speaker.