In the conservative mind, with its abbreviated sense of political philosophy and abridged understanding of economic systems, communism and socialism are one in the same. Other words depicting similar nuances have been lumped into the Republican's growing list of synonyms, as well – Marxist, Fascist, and "chilling" spring to mind – and I've come to conclude that it's a battle we on the left are not guaranteed of winning.
The reason, unfortunately, is a difference in core values. Our adversary is unencumbered by reason or morality – for him, "One People, One Nation, One Leader!" doesn't sound like such a bad idea. This makes the Neocon fighting on the battleground of ideas a very dangerous opponent: he will not listen to reason or adhere to strategy, but will surprise his enemies with unpredictably irrational actions. Prior planning, therefore, is essential: we must be ready for the time the Republicans come back to power and, owing to the force of their own bluster and bloviation (and "mounting pressure" from Limbaughvakia and Beckistan), decide to declare war on somebody.
We've seen the pattern since at least the time of the Spanish-American War: identify, demonize, attack. In the current phase of American enemy-picking, it's the Muslims, of course, who have been selected for the tender ministrations of GOP policy makers. First identified in the early 1970s, when keen-eyed Republicans noticed that many of the members of OPEC (then embargoing oil sales to the United States) were of the same exotic, incomprehensible-to-the-western-mind faith, the idea of the Muslim terrorist – in Republican conventional wisdom and literature, anyway – has since gone from the occasional PLO highjacking and flight to Libya to an armed force that prompted even St. Ronald to cut and run to Islamo-Fascists bent on world domination.
Unfortunately for the people who tell us who to hate, it was the bungling of their own which has now rendered the Islamics (sic) an unfit long-term adversary. To a conservative desperate for an enemy from which to be protected, the middle years of the Bush regime must have looked liked a basketball player missing an easy layup after an astonishing breakaway, but that's water under the Aimma Bridge at this point. What matters now is finding a new enemy, a new basis for hate-filled misunderstanding.
Since the Bush Doctrine worked out so well this last time around, we can expect that the next generation of Republican leaders will be obligated to attack the demon of the day shortly after gaining 50%+1 – but who will this be? Clearly, getting involved in wars with Muslims results in quagmires and intractable deployments into unconquerable lands, so they won't do. Africa is a cesspool of disease, corruption, and unprofitable markets, and really was only fun when playing Global Cold War chess with the Soviets, so that continent's out. South America's a non-starter, too, since even the most ardent believers in American exceptionalism realize we could no longer stand alone against a Western Hemisphere united to oppose us, so it's unlikely that we'll be issuing any Teddy-style Corollaries to anybody's doctrines anytime soon.
Southeast and Northeast Asia don't work, owing to less-than-spectacular outcomes in the last two adventures there (plus, Northeast Asia kind of takes care of itself, as far as crazed-enemy creation goes). Absent extraordinary conditions, Iran's out, because Americans are now presumably a little more leery regarding marching democracy into the Middle East and Central Asia than they were back in the heady days of the Authorization for the Use of Force – fool me once, and all that. As Red Dawn remake scenarios to the contrary will show, the Russkies aren't going to invade, and besides, the spy game just isn't as interesting without the KGB and Boris Badanov and all that microfilm in the balance. The big enemies from the last Good War are now our friends and trading partners, and bear little resemblance to what they were back in the days when we showed our kids cartoons like Bugs Nips The Nips.
Verily, it's tough to be an enemy-maker these days, which is why instead of going through the traditional-route hassle of creating an intellectual argument opposing somebody else's way of doing something, they've simply reached back into the ash-heap of history and exhumed the scratchy woolen blanket of communism. It is for this reason, I believe, that the Republicans will urge our Empire's next war of conquest to be launched against the heathens of...Socialism!!!
Some of our friends on the right-wing side of the aisle have recognized that the demonization of socialism (as not distinguished from "Stalinist totalitarianism" or anything like that) may eventually lead us into conflict with many, if not all, of our traditional allies. Accordingly, they've begun to plan how they're going to justify abrogating Cold War relics like the NATO Charter and attacking our red Bolshevik Commie pinko socialist Obamanomic fascist Nazi Democrat former friends. Here's where I think they're going so far, starting with the actual Communist nations that they're passing on:
China - Good long-term potential for "Best Enemy" status, but then there's this to consider:
Plus, it's widely recognized that the Chinese are more patient than we are, and that their eventual emergence as world leader is more or less a foregone conclusion anyway. No sense getting bloodied in resisting the inevitable, the principled conservative thinks, especially when the enslavement is coming in such small doses.
Cuba - Tried invading once, didn't work out. Current dictator has outlasted 10 U.S. Presidents, and appears to be immune from death. Besides, successful invasion might capture superior health care system intact, and may expose Americans to treatments for diseases or progressive ideas regarding single-payer systems.
North Korea - Dynasty of dictators is now on its twelfth U.S. administration, and has stockpile of crazy to last 1000 years. Giving in to the urge to attack North Korea would be like acting upon a fleeting urge to slap a tantrum-throwing four-year-old – there's more to fear from the collateral damage than from actually hitting the whining child.
Once actual Communist states are ruled out, the strategic-thinking, enemy-seeking Neocon is left with few options but to attack Socialist countries. Fortunately, these prove far more numerous – and as an added bonus, several of them already speak English!
Canada - There, upon our northern border, it looms. It is gigantic, the second-largest nation on the planet, covering fully 6.7% of the Earth's land surface (by contrast, the USA controls only 6.5%), and it stirs with anger and nationalism (see poster). Drug dealers to America's middle class and elderly, the devious beaver-eaters have somehow arranged their socialistic economy so that a "loonie" is now worth more than a "buck," which makes high school cross-border drinking binges much more expensive than they used to be.
Military planners drew up plans for invading Canada back in the 1930s – come to think of it, there's the even earlier matter of the still-unavenged Caroline to think about – and the wise Neocon should now say, "dust those puppies off!" Let us resurrect that old cry that the very first generation of War Hawks taught us nearly 200 years ago: "ON TO CANADA!"
Mexico - Though military intervention "to protect the children" from cartel-related drug violence would make this an easy war to trump up, we took a third of Mexico's land only a century and a half ago - wouldn't want to go to the well too many times. Besides, wouldn't conquering all those Mexicans make them US citizens?
Great Britain - This one's a good, likely candidate, since we have a history with these guys. From taxing our tea to preventing our last attempt to conquer Canada to being dickwads at the border-negotiating table, the Brits spent most of the 19th century doing stuff to piss off Americans. Yeah, sure, we helped one another out in the 20th century, but does that mean that we've forgotten the Massacre in Boston, or that these "blokes" are the descendents of the very same people who once put our beloved White House to the torch?
Selling Americans on re-igniting our rivalry with the British would be pretty easy – who can defend not attacking a nation that subjects its citizenry to that kind of health care? – but there are some downsides. First, the Brits won't let their empire go easily (think Falklands), and second, because they're socialists, have crappy food, and drink their beer warm, they have nothing to lose.
France - They're as Commie as the day is long, but their reputation among Neocons is such that it is unlikely that the US will declare war on France. Contrary to reality, and conveniently forgetting both Napoleon and the French fighting spirit of the Great War, conservatives persist in the absurd belief that the French cry "surrender" as soon as they hear the other guy yell "charge!" Because of this, they see attacking France as akin to getting into a fight with a guy in a wheelchair: you'll probably win, but it won't play well in Peoria.
Scandinavia - Though they're certainly candidates for having some democracy march their way, the destruction of this particular Commie stronghold is going to have to wait. Iceland would be the easiest to attack, since we could simply announce that it is now the policy of the US Navy to protect whales with deadly force, but besides making some Greenpeacers happy, what's to be gained? It's tough to export geothermal energy.
There are some good reasons for preserving Scandinavia in its pristine, Marxist state. First, it doesn't do any good for "white nationalist" supporters to have the government importing an entire Aryan people whose superior education, refined manners, and dazzling looks (and whose ancestors were freeking Vikings, none the less!) will soon have even skinheads thinking of themselves as inferior mud people. Second, they're too literate for us to be able to tell them things have gotten better since the arrival of our troops. And third, they're both socialist and have high suicide rates, so as long as those who shout into the echo chamber can keep saying that the one follows from the other, Scandinavia will prove useful as a tool in keeping others from venturing down the Evil Socialist Path of Death.
Germany - Achtung, mein alt fruende! Though it would certainly make things easier if Angela Merkel would grow a distinctive mustache (a la the Kaiser or Hitler), Germany remains a go-to enemy of last resort. Neocons have never forgotten that Marx himself was born in Germany, nor that the krauts have a suspiciously high quality of life for a state in which the level of socialist infiltration is so high. Plus, they use the color black in their flag, and that's just weird and wrong.
Downsides: They're military and engineering badasses who build stuff better than we do. Their accents frighten our children and pets. Even their coathangers are designed to intimidate.
Switzerland - The Illuminati would never allow it, so forget I even brought it up. In fact, I didn't even type this part. I have no idea how this got here, and disavow any connection I've ever had with any theory regarding Swiss banks, the Illuminati, enslaved gnomes in the hills around Zurich, the Bilderberger Group, the Rothschilds, the Elders of Zion, or the Lizard People. I know nothing.
India - Nope. Too many people, and too much history no one's ever heard of. They've also got nukes. No invasion – for the Neocon, the best way to deal with India is to siphon off their best young minds by using them to undercut and displace American tech workers, exploit low Indian wages by outsourcing American jobs to call centers in Mumbai and Bangalore, and leave the government in Delhi to deal with its multitude of crises in whatever little Socialist way it wants to – in short, the status quo. Besides, one of the main reasons given by Neocon Chickenhawks for non-intervention in Georgia during the waning days of the Bush regime was that one should "never fight a land war in Asia." They like such quotes – makes 'em feel like Clausewitz or something – and occasionally they even see the benefit in listening to them.
Indonesia - Too many islands, and too hard to understand. Jungles don't work well for us. They've already got democracy.
Australia - Neocons should consider this target preferable to all others. Yeah, it's a hassle for our attack forces to get to, but the same thing goes for any allied relief that tries to rescue the islanders once our Marines hold the coastlines. It's better than Canada because of our long border with the latter – there's no way we could watch every inch of it, and those Cannucks are expert woodsmen. Additionally, as predicted in the prophetic South Park: Bigger Longer & Uncut, war with a neighboring population runs the risk of exposing our own citizenry to just how much war sucks, and might make Americans less likely to consent to Republicans waging war on their behalf on the other side of the globe at some point in the future.
Here again, Red Australia emerges as the better target. Staging the next anti-Commie crusade in the splendid isolation of the South Pacific will allow the Republican's "left-biased" press to control the messaging and optics of the invasion and occupation, and the war will pay for itself (or at least, that's what Congress will be told, haha) when our boys seize control of the bloomin' onion trade. Clearly, this time we actually will be greeted as liberators: we'd be rescuing our white, English-speaking brethren from the grip of socialized health care, a national bank, and the misery of publicly-funded university educations. Like the Filipinos at the turn of the last century, and the Iraqis at the beginning of this one, the Aussies will be made to realize that we come in friendship.
And how will this war be sold? How will Australia be made the focus of Yankee fury? The rationales are legion: I explored several last year, when during the campaign I speculated on the possibility of John McCain: An Australian Manchurian Candidate. From that election-changing, paradigm-shifting diary:
What's (Australia's) evil plan?! What are their fiendish goals?!
No less than complete domination of the North-West and South-East Hemispheres. Their intention, I have on good authority, is to create some kind of Trans-Pacific Co-Prosperity Sphere, with the United States a vassal of Greater Australia. The even longer-range plan is to incorporate America into Australia by making us the country's 7th through 57th new states...
...From cosmetics to popular music, Australian influence is everywhere in our society, always lurking just below the surface, but needing only to hear the sound of a war-didgeridoo to bring out the mobs of southern-cross-flag-waving platypus-lovers. We should be afraid. We should be very afraid.
and
If they had their druthers, the Aussies would foist a map like the one above upon our schoolchildren, forcing us to adopt their bizarre, upside-down view of the world.
That diary was published in March, 2008 – more than a year ago – and yet NOTHING has been done about the imminent threat posed by the fact that AUSTRALIA, our ALLY in multiple wars, is GETTING MORE SOCIALIST BY THE DAY!
That the GOP (or, more likely, one of the splinter groups they're likely to spawn as the party breaks up) will someday again hold power is inevitable. Just as inevitably, the jingoist conservatives will abuse that power, develop an elevated sense of their own historical purpose, and will righteously identify, demonize, and attack some "other" or another. I could be wrong that the target they'll be propelled into invading will be a Socialist nation, but looking around the planet today, I see a surprising dearth of capable enemies, and no decent new ones on the horizon.
So, sorry, mates...but Australia, you're it. Prepare to surrender or be destroyed, you Socialist pinko Marxist dingoes.
And Canada, don't think this lets you off the hook. A secret network of conservative American media-watchers is keeping an eye on you and your maple-syrup-consuming ways, so don't go getting out of line, eh?