(Diarist's note: Satire.)
Montpelier, Vt. — Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele today announced a bold new initiative in which the Republican National Committee will target five New England congressional seats for pickup in 2010.
"By factually responding to the hoodwinking, bamboozling and liberal media bias that have plagued New England and its constituents, we will retake five New England seats in Congress in the 2010 midterm elections," Steele said.
"Let no one be deceived. These midterms will be the first true judge of the presidency of Barack Obama. And these midterms will tell this country what this party has known since January 20: Barack Obama has failed this country as president."
White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said it looked like the party was setting its sights low.
"There are 535 seats in Congress, and they're talking about taking five of them back. That's less than 1 percent," Gibbs said. "And also, the next seat they win in the New England delegation will be their first victory in that region since 2006. So no, the president, the speaker of the house, I don't think they're terribly worried about that."
In a speech before party faithful in Vermont's capital, Steele said the RNC will target Connecticut's fourth district, both of New Hampshire's districts, Maine's first and Vermont's lone district.
"In Vermont, you have one of two open and avowed socialist senators," Steele said. "Bernie Sanders is a socialist by his own admission. Americans have historically rejected socialism, and I am confident that Vermont residents in 2010 will reject socialism and the Democrats' brazen and destructive march to socialism by voting for the Republican Party in 2010."
A spokesman for Sanders said Steele's language was "more of the same divisive, idea-free rhetoric from the Party of No. Rather than propose a way to improve the economy or reduce our dependence on foreign oil, Steele is attacking Sanders for his party affiliation. Sen. Sanders is proud of his legislative record and proud to call himself a socialist, and he will be happy to debate the merits of socialism with the first Republican who can present an argument based on facts, not name-calling."
Rep. Peter Welch of Vermont welcomed the opportunity to engage in a discussion of "ideas about Vermont's future by discussing issues that are critical to Vermonters." He declined to speculate on whom the Vermont Republican Party might choose to run against him, noting only that the seat has been in Democratic hands since 1990.
Montpelier resident and county Democratic Party chair Hannah Greeley was not so guarded. "We have voters in Vermont who weren't alive the last time a Republican held that seat," she said, "so we encourage the Republican Party to throw as much money as it has at a lost cause. Vermonters are proud of their progressive politics and their progressive politicians."
House Minority Leader John Boehner, of Ohio, hailed Steele's announcement as "the path back to a permanent Republican majority."
"The House of Representatives was on its way to unheralded success on behalf of the American people in the 1990s, and as the Democrat Party has come into that majority, you've seen taxes increase, spending soar, Christianity under attack, fewer decisions made by families and more and more big government stepping in and telling people how to run their lives. Today's announcement by Chairman Steele is just the first step in restoring America's greatness by restoring the Republican majority in the House."
Steele wouldn't comment on the specifics of any of the races the party is targeting, even declining to give the name of a candidate who will be running for Vermont's seat in the House of Representatives. The chairman would say only that "We're going to take back the discussion from tax-and-spend, big-government Liberals. And make no mistake: We won't be running so-called squish Republicans who are soft on family values and soft on taxes. The Democrat Party may have the majority in the House, but a majority of them don't vote with San Francisco Liberal Nancy Pelosi. I guarantee that any resident of Vermont who gives this party a shot will hear what he or she deserve to hear: A vote for the GOP is a vote for Y-O-U."
But not everyone is sold on the idea. One RNC staffer who asked to remain anonymous said, "This is just a weak version of (former Vermont Gov. and former DNC Chair) Howard Dean's 50-state strategy. Even if it does work, oh boy, five seats. The RNC would never actually trumpet something as pathetically small potatoes as this. It instead looks like something that Daily Kos fucker iampunha would make up because he was bored. But the worst thing is that the party still isn't willing to publicly admit that it's lost its bearings. Until that happens, any way you dress the party's message up, it's still what Americans have been rejecting for half a decade. Hell, I would have quit a year ago, but who's hiring these days?"