Please help me.
I now spend my days in fear that an INS official will knock on my door, round up my family, and deport us.
After all... how can I be REALLY, ACTUALLY, TRULY and COMPLETELY sure I'm in the country legally.
Now...
...yes, I have a birth certificate that says I was born in Chicago, Illinois and, yes, my parents tell me I was born at Edgewater Hospital and, yes, up until now I've been allowed to live and reside and educate myself and work in the United States of America, but without some law to verify the fact that all the documentation AND my memories AND what my mommy and daddy told me is TRUE who can say for certain I wasn't actually born, well... anywhere.
I might be Sudanese.
Or Chinese.
Or any of a thousand different "ese" I've never thought of.
Hell, I could really be a citizen of IRAN, which would, justifiably put me on a thousand different watch lists and make me ineligible to compete on or watch American Idol!
Now that I think of it... not being an American... how did I even learn to speak or write in English (good GOD can you even READ what I'm writing?).
Have I eaten a hot dog?
Do I know how to play baseball?
Am I male... caucasian... HUMAN?
I have a diploma... but did I REALLY go to college?
I have a mortgage... but do I own a house?
I have a marriage license... but maybe that never happened either.
Am I ANYTHING my documents say I am or have I always been plotting to impersonate myself?
And see, since I'm quite sure I DID NOT ever apply for, nor was granted, a green card (and don't even mention the process of becoming a naturalized citizen) I might just be an illegal alien hiding in plain sight of myself, while taking the jobs and social services for real Americans (whomever they might be).
Furthermore, my wife (if she really IS my wife), Holly, might not be a natural or naturalized citizen and though my children have birth certificates CLAIMING they were born in California... my daughter on THIS day seven years ago... and I'm pretty sure I remember being on domestic soil when she came out all purple and goopy, without a law to reconfirm and redocument what previously been confirmed and documented on driver's licenses and passports and loan documentations, how can I know what is TOTALLY, ABSOLUTELY, VERIFIABLY, CROSS-MY-HEART-AND-STICK-A-NEEDLE-IN-MY-EYE true?
(And by true, I mean "the earth is 6000 years old" true not "fakey-fakey evolution" true.)
Dear God, please, oh Pete, let congress pass HR-1503, so that I can one day hold my head high, knowing that I am who 40 years of paperwork, memories, and endless documentation says I--
(Oh, God. There's someone at the door. This is it! This is the end. PLEASE KNOW... I LOVED YOU BEST!!)
(Never mind... just a pizza. Mmmm, pepperoni.)