(Satire. Satire. Satire.)
WASHINGTON, D.C. — A former resident of the house on C Street linked to numerous adulterous politicians, including disgraced Gov. Mark Sanford, R-S.C., says residents who were having affairs teamed up to confront lone residents who were not having affairs and urge them to cheat on their spouses "for the good of their constituents."
The allegation is seemingly at odds with a July 9 Politico story that details how Sanford, Nevada GOP Sen. John Ensign and then-Rep. Chip Pickering, R-Mississippi, were pressured to end their affairs.
"That (account in Politico) definitely did happen," said the former resident, who spoke on condition of anonymity, "but when these guys were all together, or it was two of them and just you in the house, they'd talk about how important it was that everyone in the house be able to counsel everyone else in the house equally and also be able to relax in private.
"And it was pretty clear that what they really wanted was a guarantee that nobody would go talking to the media without having his own skeleton in the closet, so to speak."
Aides to Sanford and Ensign categorically denied the allegations, with Sanford's spokeswoman calling them "entirely false and without merit. You people need to stop assuming the worst about Mark Sanford. He is a good family man, and he would never do this to a young woman or try to break up anyone's marriage."
A request for comment from Pickering was not returned.
The anonymous former resident, who was a member of Congress from 1997 to earlier this decade and now works for a consulting firm, said he was confronted by Sanford and Pickering once in July 2000 about "having a partner away from home to help unwind after a long legislative week."
"Pickering said he'd noticed how bedraggled I was and asked if I wasn't tired from going home every weekend to be with my wife," the former resident said. "And I said yes, I was tired, but that I also loved being with my wife.
"So then Sanford talked about how much better he worked after he'd seen his other woman. He stressed that he hadn't stopped loving his wife but that he'd found someone who wasn't always talking about the kids or the next campaign or women's work."
The former resident said Sanford and Pickering even came prepared with an extensive "C Street Collection," a computerized list of women organized and indexed by several factors, including interests but mostly focused on an exhaustive set of physical and sexual criteria. Pickering said many C Streeters had found they could be much more dedicated to their constituents if they could "get away for a while" with a woman with hand-picked "physical attributes and sexual preferences to make sure the connection would last."
"They always called it a connection, the other woman, things like that. Never said mistress. Never affair. Never cheating. Just these very low-key, low-responsibility words. The women they were cheating with probably would have complained about that, but they were getting paid pretty well in jewelry and apartment suites and such, so they figured it was worth the result.
"I guess, looking back on it now, it's kind of funny that these guys would have such an extensive collection of women willing to have an affair with a member of Congress, but a part of me also wondered if this was knowledge they'd gained through trial and error or if the house had collectively gathered this sort of digitized black book of women these guys could go to to relieve some stress or whatever before settling on just one mistress.
"The funniest part was having Sanford and Pickering almost reminiscing over the women they'd tried out back in the days before they put together this cross-referenced index of women. Sanford said he'd gone through two, sometimes three a week trying to find one who was just right for him. He was really a big fan of the tanner women who didn't speak much, just lay there and enjoyed it -- or at least didn't tell him if they weren't enjoying it. Now, fortunately, D.C. had a lot of immigrants, so it wasn't like he was looking for Hispanic women on the streets of Montana or whatever.
"But still,he couldn't even get a good referral on those silent kind of women because he was the rare breed of politician who doesn't like to hear how big and powerful a man he is. He'll tell a woman how ravenous she looks, as we know now, but he doesn't want to think about his job when he's cheating on his wife. That's why that trip to Argentina didn't surprise me.
"At one point (during the July 2000 meeting)," the former congressman continued, "(Sanford) had to excuse himself to go grab a bite to eat. That was a pretty hot day, so it was no big surprise when he came back sweating and with his hair kind of messed up.
"And man was that list thorough. I mean, if you wanted a tall woman kind of on the chubby side, brown hair, smaller breasts for her frame and size, who had a gap between her front teeth and liked disco, their next question was if you preferred doggy style, missionary or oral.
"Not that I pursued things to that extent. They were just really energetic about finding me the right mistress. Pickering had just this incredibly detailed recollection of so many of these women, like he'd come to all their data personally. And I was just sitting there sort of in shock, and as the hours wore on, I got to really wondering just how deep their bench was, so to speak. Man was that a long meeting. Come to think of it, I missed voting on the 2000 energy bill because of that session. I hope the folks at Daily Kos don't think too poorly of me for that."
And in the end, did the former congressman tell his wife about the encounter?
"I don't keep anything from her. I told her, and I told her if I'd had interest in other women, I wouldn't have married her. And she was understanding about the situation because really, we hadn't expected it. But she did make me decide between leaving that group and leaving her, because she found it so personally repulsive, and of course, I left the group — and I lost in the next election.
"But I still have my wife, still have my kids, still have my in-laws' respect. And what do these guys have? Grounds for divorces."