Today, 18 months before the end of Sarah Palin's first term as governor, speaking from the "bestest, most patriotic-est, most beautiful, most important state in the entire United States! Wait, the entire Continent--", Sarah Palin, the self-proclaimed "Mother Bear" of Alaska, abdicated her frozen throne.
But first there was the very long, ostentatious prayer and singing of the National Anthem.
On her way out of the den, she took the time to pout and whine about several things:
1."To all media that is not overtly conservatively biased (not you Fox, I love you, Greta!!), soldiers died for freedom of press so stop using your microphones to criticize me. Freedom of press means you can only say NICE things about me."
2."Tiny Hollywood starlets like Ashley Judd, stop criticizing my helicopter wolf-shooting program! Alaskans eat, therefore they hunt. If you ate, maybe you would not be so tiny."
3."John Kerry: Stop criticizing my energy plans. We can drill everywhere in Alaska, because Alaska can supply all the energy needs for the entire continent, and disrupting wildlife is not anti-environmental because they leave feces everywhere, which is why Alaskans should kill them all with our guns!"
4."Tina Fey, stop making fun of what I said about Putin and Russia. Alaska is the gatekeeper of national security FOR THE ENTIRE CONTINENT. I don't know how this country survived until we joined in 1959."
5."Quit picking on people's kids! I can trot my kids out for any photo ops I want and use my son's military service to tout my patriotism, my teenaged daughter's decision to have her baby to tout my anti-abortion, pro-abstinence stance, and my Downs syndrome baby to garner sympathy for myself, tout my anti-abortion credentials (even though I considered having an abortion), and my 14-year-old daughter to get as much media attention as I want! So what if I can't remember all their names!"
6."Quit saying I don't have a reason to leave! I am sacrificing myself for Alaska, because you guys don't want a lame duck governor! And if you ever elect me president, I promise to do the same thing! I did it as mayor, and every government position I've ever had, because I love Alaska more than anyone!"
- "I have the right to Freedom of Speech and I am going to use it! But your right to freeom fo speech does not include saying anything not good about me. Criticizing me is a violation of my freedom of speech!"
She also warned Alaskans about several things:
- "Protect your guns! The Tiny Hollywood Starlets are coming for them!"
- "Resist the government's attempt to force you to take money for unemployment, jobs, etc. Alaskans are the toughest people in the world and we do not need help from the evil lower 48 that I want to rule someday!"
- "Don't listen to anything bad that anyone says about me. It is not true. Todd and I and our kids are the perfect family, and we should live in the White House. Send me money."
She also touted all her administration's accomplishments, which took approximately 3 seconds and consisted primarily of the socialist policy of taking money from the rich oil companies and giving it to the people in Alaska in order to boost her poll ratings.
Then, in conclusion, Sarah Palin said it's "no more politics as usual!" She's going to "shake things up!" And she recycled several of those campaign cliches.