Dear President Obama,
Dude, I have been fully supportive of you for ages. I hopped on the bandwagon way back when you were running in the Illinois Senate primaries and you had the daughter of Sen. Paul Simon in a TV ad talking about how the late senator gave you his blessing shortly before he died. I thought you had a weird name, but I warmed up to it after seeing how you never yelled obnoxious things about your opponents just to get good sound bites for the local news. I would have voted for you in that primary, but it was obvious you were going to crush everybody else, so instead I voted for another guy I felt sorry for.
Yada, yada, yada. Then you became president. I like your diplomatic style, and I fully support the idea of drinking beer to solve problems, but--you're going to drink Bud Light?
Do you realize what drinking Bud Light says about America to the rest of the world? Nevermind that it's foreign-owned now. It's a weak beer. It has absolutely no flavor at all. This is a golden opportunity and you're throwing it away on yellowish seltzer water.
Is Goose Island too North Side for you? Or Old Style too tied to the Cubs? You could get a lot of respect for cracking open a PBR--I guarantee it. But, if you wanted to show strength of character and impeccable taste, why not go for a Three Floyds Gumball Head? Sure, Sean Hannity may complain that it's elitist, but I'd like to see him chug one down without gasping for marshmallows afterwards.
Or think strategically: drink any Abita and you're guaranteed to get Sen. Landrieu to vote for health care reform. Pick a state and they're bound to have a good beer somewhere (even Utah, right--I think.)
The main thing is, there is still time to fix this God-awful blunder of judgement. Look, I have five gallons of pretty decent India Pale Ale I just cranked out in my basement. It's not earth-shattering, but it's better than Bud Light. It'll be my gift to you if you want it.
Otherwise, I say you just grab one of the Red Stripes from Professor Gate's stash or the Blue Moon from Police Guy Crowley's cooler. Throw a few back, then drunk dial Max Baucus and set him straight on a few key issues.
I mean if this is the worst thing you do, then I guess I can live with it. But, it's such an easy fix. Please listen. Please?
Sincerely,
Grumpy Young Man
Blagoville, Illinois